The “Bad” Kind of Busy (MonB)

 I know a woman who is wholly devoted to her children. She chose to be a stay-at-home mom, pouring every ounce of her energy into researching the healthiest foods, finding the best extracurricular activities, and constantly learning new ways to communicate positively with her kids. Her dedication is admirable, but there’s a significant problem: in her relentless pursuit of perfect parenting, she often forgets to truly be present with her children.

One day, as she raced across town to drop one child off at ballet and another at karate, her children sat miserably in the backseat. The joy of a birthday party they had just attended was overshadowed by her berating them for eating candy and cake—treats she had reluctantly allowed them to enjoy. She was so busy trying to create the perfect conditions for her children’s upbringing that she was making herself—and, more importantly, them—miserable. Her kids probably won’t remember the organic snacks she packed or the carefully curated activities; instead, they’ll remember the stress and scolding they felt while racing from one place to another.

This is an understandable yet unconscious misstep that many of us make. We become so focused on doing that we forget to be. The “bad” kind of busy isn’t about having a packed schedule or being engaged in various activities. Rather, it’s the kind of busyness that disconnects us from the present and blinds us to the emotional impact we have on those around us. There are a few things at work here:

The Perfectionist Paradox

In trying to check off every box on an impossible ideal checklist, we miss out on the most important aspect of what we’re doing, whether it’s parenting, tending to our health, or working on goals. That aspect is connection. The constant striving to be perfect—whether it’s through organic meals, a perfect credit score, or impeccable discipline—becomes counterproductive when it creates an atmosphere of stress.

In terms of parenting, for example, research published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, parental stress and perfectionism can lead to increased anxiety and lower emotional well-being in children. Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need happy, present parents who make them feel safe and loved.

Doing vs. Being

I have spoken on this topic many times but it always bears repeating. We often prioritize productivity and self-improvement over simply enjoying life as it unfolds. However, research indicates that mindfulness and present-moment awareness are more strongly associated with happiness and life satisfaction than constant striving. Yet, self-care can often end up being another thing to check off the list. It reminds me of a quote by my favorite poet Rumi, “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” Make time to acknowledge that pull and follow it from time to time.

The Cost of Constant Busyness

When we’re perpetually on the move and hyper-focused on what needs to be done, we often fail to recognize the emotional climate we’re creating. This can lead to strained relationships, burnout, and a lack of joy in the very experiences we’ve worked so hard to provide. As the woman in the story above illustrates, even well-intentioned actions can lead to frustration and disconnection if we lose sight of the bigger picture.

So once we understand that we are overdoing, how do we walk it back and bring ourselves into balance? There are handful of ways to do it:

Pause and Reflect: Take a moment each day to check in with yourself. Are you engaging with your loved ones in a way that makes them feel valued and seen? Are you creating stress instead of joy with your actions?

Prioritize Connection: Make intentional choices about what really matters. It’s okay to let go of some activities or lower your standards in certain areas if it means having more meaningful, present moments with your family.

Follow Your Joy: Taking a walk, ordering a special coffee, making time to create something. These are all small ways to infuse your day with a little bit of unstructured joy and stillness. Even just clearing thirty minutes in your schedule to do “nothing” can bring a dose of wonder into the day.

Let Go of Perfection: Perfection is impossible. Accept that you don’t have to be perfect to be a great parent or partner. In fact, embracing imperfection can relieve stress and allow for spontaneity, happy accidents, and joyful interactions.

It’s important to note here that the woman I shared about isn’t a bad mother—far from it. Her intentions come from a place of deep love and care which is true for all of us. But intentions alone aren’t enough when our actions create an environment of stress and pressure for us and those around us. The key to breaking free from the “bad” kind of busy is to shift our focus from doing everything right to being present with the people we love. After all, it’s not the activities we do but the way we make people feel that they’ll remember most.

Let’s remind ourselves that sometimes, the best thing we can do is slow down, take a breath, and simply be. We may have goals and intentions—as we absolutely should—but we can remember that there is really only one thing we are meant to be “doing” which is being a Light everywhere we go. Waking up with the main objective of being a beacon light in the lives of everyone we meet. Not to be perfect. But to be a source of light.

What a beautiful way to be.