30
Share on bsky
View this post on Instagram
Loving Myself First
We all encounter ruts from time to time, but what truly matters is how we choose to climb out of them and find our way back.
“From a Buddhist perspective, ignorance is succumbing to temptation, expecting that something or someone ‘other’ will magically enrich us and lead to a happily ever after.” ~ Linda Lewis
When I read that quote, it resonated deeply with my own experiences. In her article, “The Gradual Power of Meditation,” Linda Lewis highlighted a truth I had been overlooking: I had been living in the shadows of my past. I once believed I needed a partner to feel whole and create my own version of the one. After going through two marriages and exploring numerous relationships in recent years, I found myself caught in a cycle of seeking someone to fill the void in my life.
Now that I’ve entered my fifties, I know many of you in my age group can relate—re-entering the dating scene is no easy feat. Adjusting to single life post-marriage can feel overwhelming. Many of us have tried this and found the transition challenging. We often seek advice as we navigate this new chapter of being on our own.
Initially, I struggled to shift my focus inward. However, I eventually made the bold decision to stop seeking outward validation and instead dive deep into self-reflection. This commitment to confronting my own image, examining myself closely, and facing the internal challenges that had been holding me back empowered me in ways I never imagined.
Like many of my single friends, I vowed to remain single and concentrate on my personal growth. To be honest, I wobbled a bit in sticking to that promise. However, after nearly eight months of this journey of self-discovery, Linda’s article has inspired me to reflect on my own experiences.
Four important lessons can be learned from stepping out of our comfort zones and truly embracing life as single people.
1. It is not as scary to be single as I once thought.
Being completely alone teaches us who we really are, forcing us to confront our biggest enemy—ourselves. When we make mistakes, we can only blame ourselves. While it’s natural to get mad at ourselves for what happened, we cannot point fingers at others.
By talking to and arguing with myself, I developed new negotiation skills. Being alone compels us to examine our inner selves, allowing us to love who we truly are. Through the challenging journey of self-discovery, we can reveal a brighter version of ourselves to the world.
Being alone can be a huge confidence booster. Now, when I walk into a room, I don’t even think about who might be looking at me. I’ve become so accustomed to being there for myself that I no longer concern myself with the opinions of others. I used to struggle with this issue.
Being single gives us the courage to spend time with ourselves, which is crucial for truly discovering who we are.
To build up courage and confidence, we can journal our thoughts and revisit them weekly. This practice can help us become aware of our self-talk. As I reread my entries, I was astonished by how often I thought negatively about myself. We can be our own harshest critics, and I had to sift through these negative patterns and train my mind to focus on the present moment.
2. I love all of me.
Through journaling and meditation, we can dig deep and discover our true selves, ultimately learning to accept who we are. Accepting ourselves starts by forgiving ourselves for the past, and letting go of what might have been isn’t easy. However, once we let go of our bad habits, we can recreate our authentic selves.
I realized that to love myself fully, I had to know and embrace every aspect of who I am. How could I expect someone else to love me if I didn’t love myself first? If I wasn’t happy with who I was, I would simply keep searching for someone to fix me. But the joy of self-love, I discovered, was a powerful force that could truly fix me.
I spent countless hours staring at my reflection, working through the process of forgiveness. Many of these conversations were filled with regret and shame as I learned to let go and speak to my reflection with love. During this journey, I was reminded of the importance of positive self-talk. It’s amazing how harshly we sometimes speak to ourselves.
We all struggle with the challenge of loving ourselves first. Yet, we must take the time to own who we are and embrace our unique qualities. These unique qualities are what make us special, and they deserve to be celebrated.
3. I am fun to date.
Being single is not fun on Valentine’s Day, but we can take some time to date ourselves. Dating yourself gives you the opportunity to relearn the things you enjoy. After being married for over twenty years, I found myself wondering, What do I do with all this newfound freedom and time for myself?
We often get so used to living through other people that we forget what we enjoy. It can be challenging to find the courage to go out alone, but if you don’t date yourself, how can you expect anyone else to want to date you?
Treat yourself to a fancy restaurant you’ve always wanted to visit. Go sit at the local café and strike up a conversation with someone new. We must push through our fears; it’s healing for our souls.
Do you enjoy romance in a relationship? Buy yourself beautiful stationery and write yourself love letters. Romance yourself. Take long walks under the stars. Really take the time to find out who you are.
Consider going on a one-month road trip or even a week-long one if you’re short on time. I know it can be daunting, but it’s also incredibly healing. I left my home state and took a job far away from everyone I knew to rediscover myself. When I finally decided it was time to come home, I took a road trip back.
We are stronger than we often realize. I figured that meeting someone and starting a new relationship is no more daunting than dating myself; at least I have a basic understanding of who I am.
When you’re single, learning to be spontaneous and easygoing isn’t that difficult. We don’t have to wait for anyone else or debate where to go; we can simply pick up and go!
In the beginning, I faced many struggles and doubts. I cried my eyes out when I got lost, but I learned to talk to myself and pull myself together.
I built my own life.
4. I created an adventurous life.
Stepping out of our comfort zone and doing things solely builds confidence—but it sure can be scary.
I took the time to understand myself and clarify what I truly want in life. I started working out, enrolled in a writing class, and discovered my genuine interests. I made sure to incorporate into my life all the things I initially looked for in someone. I wanted a partner who liked to hike, so I went hiking. I wanted a partner who liked to travel, so I traveled.
What are the things you want in a partner? Go and do those things or create that life yourself first.
Now, I have built a life that allows me to share meaningful experiences with the right person when they come along, rather than relying on a partner to fill the void I used to feel.
Although I still experience loneliness at times, my confidence is much stronger now. I can genuinely say that I know who I am, what I want out of life, and what I can contribute to the world.
We can all learn a lot from being alone. Spending time dating ourselves can be incredibly enlightening. It may sound strange to seek solitude when you feel lonely, but it is the best opportunity to discover what you really want and how to love yourself.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.