Curiosity gives life a unique zest. It infuses whimsy into even the most mundane moments (have you ever stood in the grocery store and gotten curious about the people around you?) It kickstarts our transformation in moments of pain or stress (have you ever wondered how your disappointment might be a blessing?) It even brings us knowledge that we didn’t know we would ever need (Did you know that microwaving a lemon for 10-20 seconds before juicing it will yield more juice?)
I think my favorite part about it though is that it is an antidote to control. Control often arises from a fear of uncertainty or outcomes we can’t manage. Curiosity, however, encourages us to lean into the unknown with a mindset of exploration rather than dread. By asking questions and seeking understanding, we transform fear into an opportunity for learning.
Nowhere is our kneejerk desire to control more prevalent than in our relationships. And nothing can positively change our relationships faster than curiosity.
Kabbalist Rav Berg mused that too many people fall into dull routines: they eat the same breakfast, take the same routes to work, go to the same lunch spot, etc…. which he said was like “living the same day for 70 years.” Many relationships are this way too. I have counseled countless couples through the experience of a “rut,” and it’s very similar. A relationship falls into a routine because it provides the illusion of security and control—they’re also a recipe for dissatisfaction.
Instead, he encouraged us to keep moving, growing, and exploring, so that we might “live one day as 70 years.” By his count, by staying curious and active, we can stretch our days and prolong our lifetime. This advice is equally applicable to our relationships.
Curiosity shifts our focus from fear to wonder. It invites us to explore and embrace the unknown instead of resisting it. When we approach our partners and our relationships with this kind of transformative curiosity, we open the door to deeper understanding and connection. Here are just a few ways that getting genuinely curious can shift any relationship dynamic:
Dismantling Assumptions: Anxiety often thrives on assumptions. “They’re distant, so they must be upset with me.” “They forgot our plans; they must not care.” Curiosity replaces these assumptions with questions: “I wonder why they seem distant? Could something unrelated to me be on their mind?” It creates thoughtful questions instead of judgments.
Ignites Active Listening: When you’re curious, you’re more likely to listen without judgment or defensiveness. Curiosity is about seeking to understand. Instead of planning your next rebuttal in an argument, you’re truly present with your partner’s words, tone, and emotions and, therefore, really hearing them. And to that end…
It Builds Empathy: Curiosity fosters empathy by encouraging you to see the world through your partner’s eyes. You step out of your shoes and into your partner’s perspective. This deeper understanding can soften your responses, reduce conflict, and drive intimacy.
So how do we get curious in our relationships? Especially when we’ve maybe been in them for 10, 15, 20 years? The good news is that curiosity can always be ignited, and it can transform any moment, conversation, or experience. The next time you are in a terse exchange with your partner or you feel anxiety or a need to control, try one of these things:
Pause Before Reacting: When you feel the urge to control or lash out, pause. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? What might my partner be feeling?”
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions that invite dialogue. For example, replace “Why didn’t you text me back?” with “I noticed you didn’t text me back. Is everything okay?”
Explore Your Own Emotions: Get curious about your anxiety. What triggers your need for control? What fears lie beneath the surface? Self-awareness is a powerful tool for change.
Practice Non-Attachment: Curiosity doesn’t require a specific outcome. Instead of trying to “fix” the situation, aim to understand it and trust the process that you’re in.
Releasing control and embracing curiosity doesn’t mean ignoring your needs or letting go of boundaries. Curiosity is an addition, a tool in your existential toolbox. It’s about shifting from a mindset of fear to one of exploration. When you let go of the illusion of control, you create room for deeper intimacy, genuine connection, and—most importantly—peace within yourself.
The next time anxiety creeps in, pause and ask: “What can I learn here?” In the answer, you might find the connection and calm you’ve been seeking all along.
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