0
Share on bsky
Growing up, I always dreamed about my future and what it would look like.
I envisioned having a successful career, owning a home, and starting a family—the classic “American Dream,” if you will. I wanted grandiosities and luxury. The kind I always saw celebrities relishing in. I saw myself in a big fancy mansion, shopping high-end fashion lines, and cruising around on yachts on the weekends. But, sometimes those dreams don’t pan out the way you’d expect.
For me, it all seemed so…certain.
I thought that I would’ve obtained all of those things by now, but I haven’t. I haven’t achieved any of them. It has taken me a long time to realize that even though I’m not living my life the way I envisioned it, I’m still living it in the best way I know how—authentically.
Sometimes the dreams you had as a kid slowly fade into the distance. The older you get, the more you see the value and meaning in much smaller, simpler ways. My dreams today don’t involve chasing a celebrity lifestyle. Now, they’re more intentional and authentic.
I often had the feeling that I spent my childhood one step behind everyone else. I was the shy, quiet, and reserved girl, sitting in the corner of the room, daydreaming about being someone other than myself. I wanted to be able to shine, grow, and flourish like others seemed to do with such ease. But it’s only in hindsight that I realize, I was holding onto an idea and version of myself didn’t exist.
I grew up thinking something was wrong with me, but I wasn’t quite sure why.
I did my best to fit in, and I kept up with the class somehow, but little did I know that I was masking the entire time.
It’s a coping mechanism for neurodivergent people. They create a persona of themselves that is deemed acceptable by society. Essentially, you’re making yourself someone else. Someone more capable of fitting in and not exposing their differences. It’s exhausting having to keep that mask up all of the time.
It wasn’t until later that I received the proper diagnoses that I had been searching for my whole life. What was wrong with me? I found out that I’m neurodivergent. I have ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder), ASD (autism spectrum disorder), MDD (major depressive disorder), and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Whew, that sounds like a lot, but it’s a part of me, and it’s how I’ve navigated my life thus far.
You might think that getting these diagnoses would be difficult to take in, and they were, but for me, it also felt like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. A relief, but also challenging in the sense that I’m getting to know myself all over again.
I’ve realized that I find solace in the small things—taking my dog out for a walk, listening to some good mood music, pausing to smell the roses—it opens up my senses and helps them to engage in a way that makes me feel calm and peaceful.
Of course, there are times when I feel unsettled and out of place, but I’ve learned ways to regain my sense of control. I seek out spaces where I can be alone and reflect. I find solace in the outdoors, so I’ll go outside, catch a breath of fresh air, feel the warmth of the sun upon my skin, and simply slow down.
I recently went on a camping trip in Oregon. A few friends and I went to a campground up in the mountains. The temperature was frigid, but the scenery was breathtaking. We picked a spot right near a clear, gushing river surrounded by lush green trees. Camping is something that I usually forgo because I’m not a fan of bugs or the lack of restroom options, but this time felt different.
I engaged with parts of myself I rarely get in touch with. I found some alone time, and decided to ponder life’s little secrets about love, loss, and everything in between. For me, there’s nothing like gazing endlessly into a sea of stars in the darkened night or watching the hypnotic dance of flames from the fire pit. It’s those moments that provide me the most comfort.
Some other things that bring me calm include:
>> The soft rustle of leaves on a quiet walk
>> The warmth of the sun on my skin during a cool morning
>> The first sip of coffee that starts my day off right
>> The flicker of a candlelight in a dark, quiet room
>> The pages of a well-loved book—the texture, the scent
>> A familiar song that holds me in comfort and nostalgia
I need to be around things that protect my energy and my mental health. I’ve learned that it’s so much better to live life as yourself and do the things that make you happy and peaceful. I mean sure, luxurious things are nice, but there’s so much more beauty out there if you look at the finer details in life.
Happiness isn’t determined by grand achievements. It’s the little, everyday things that hold us together.
Read 2 comments and reply