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You say you want gold—so why do you keep choosing silver and trying to polish it?
One of the most common themes I see in my therapy practice (and, let’s be honest, in my own dating history too) is this: intelligent, self-aware women continuously choosing partners who can’t give them what they want or need.
Not bad men, per say, but unavailable, inconsistent, or misaligned men. People who don’t show up or meet your needs, but who still somehow hold all your emotional real estate.
Sound familiar?
It’s like asking for a diamond, then dating someone who only offers you rhinestones, and convincing yourself, “Maybe with enough time, love, and effort, they’ll become a diamond.”
Spoiler alert: that’s not dating—that’s emotional alchemy, and it rarely works.
So why do we do this? Why do we choose silver and try to mold it into gold?
Well, it’s because our inner five-year-old is running the show. Most of us aren’t dating from our adult selves, we’re dating from our younger, wounded selves. The part of us that didn’t get the love, approval, or consistency we needed growing up, so we unconsciously seek it out in people who feel familiar.
This does not mean they are good for us, but that they activate the unfinished business in us. We don’t fall for someone, we fall into a familiar dynamic, and often, that dynamic is a reenactment of old emotional wounds with a hopeful twist:
This time, it’ll be different.
This is why chemistry can be deceiving. Sometimes those addictive sparks aren’t signs of a soulmate, they’re signs of unresolved trauma and those butterflies are often red flags dressed up as excitement.
Let’s break down the four “gold types” I see most often in dating through the lens of attachment styles and emotional patterns:
The Gold Hoarder (Anxious Attachment)
This person is constantly afraid someone else is going to come along and snatch up their “gold.” They overthink texts, replay conversations, and need constant reassurance to feel safe. The gold hoarder doesn’t feel valuable unless someone is validating them 24/7.
The Lesson: Your worth isn’t something that needs to be proven. It needs to be owned. Stop chasing and start choosing. You are the gold.
The Hidden Vault (Avoidant Attachment)
This one’s polished, intriguing, very charming, but impossible to crack open. They like intimacy, but only in small, safe doses. Vulnerability terrifies them, so they ghost, withdraw, or intellectualize emotions the second things get real.
The Work: You don’t have to be an emotional Fort Knox to stay safe. Real strength is letting people in, not keeping them out.
The Booby-Trapped Mine (Disorganized Attachment)
One minute they’re all in, the next they’ve vanished. They crave connection but are terrified of it too. Think Indiana Jones in a relationship—high drama, high adrenaline, low emotional safety.
The Goal: Build internal stability so you stop confusing chaos with chemistry. Peace isn’t boring, it’s safe.
The Solid Gold (Secure Attachment)
They know their worth, and they know yours. They’re emotionally available, consistent, and clear about what they want. No games, no guesswork, no silent treatments. They build and do not breadcrumb.
This is the gold standard. And when you’ve done the work to heal your patterns, you start recognizing and attracting this energy instead of rejecting it.
From Pattern to Power
Once you understand the psychology of attraction and realize you’ve been digging for gold in the wrong mines, you can start shifting the pattern. You can pause when those intense feelings flare up and ask: Is this love? Or is this familiar pain in a new package?
You can start listening to how someone treats you instead of how they make you feel in the moment. You can stop trying to turn silver into gold and start choosing gold from the start.
You are not here to beg for scraps. You’re here to build something real, and it starts with choosing partners who are capable, willing, and ready to show up for love—and not just spark chemistry.
So if your past relationships felt like hard labor with little emotional return, this is your sign to stop digging in the same mine.
You deserve solid gold.
~
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