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Sometimes it’s you.
Other times it’s your partner.
Occasionally, it’s both of you.
Regardless of who is feeling hurt or disappointed, conflicts are the worst kind of heartbreak.
But if you ask me, they’re also groundbreaking. They’re a beam of light that shines through the dark corners of our relationships. But we don’t always see it…
We see the challenges instead. We focus on the problem that might shatter the years and break the future.
Conflicts terrify me. Their unpredictable nature just throws me off. However, I realize how crucial and necessary they are. I understand the message behind them and try my best to fulfill it.
To get there, I’ve had to put aside everything I think I know about conflicts. I know that triggers may be many. The things that could make couples feel like they will explode are innumerable. But the amount of reasons lurking in the shadows are exactly what have forced me to think deeper.
I’ve examined my own relationship and looked at our occasional conflicts from all angles. Well, the truth has honestly shocked me.
When conflict rises in my relationship, I think about all the surface-level reasons that may have pushed things to go off track. It may be poor communication, a need that hasn’t been met, a lack of support, or avoidance. Some couples may fight because of other problems like jealousy, control, anger management, or trust.
I always focus on what I’m fighting about without realizing that there’s something else—something much deeper—I’m fighting for:
I’m fighting for connection.
That’s the honest truth. That’s why conflicts totter our relationships and hurt us. When we fight, we disconnect. A lack of closeness can make us feel so damn alone and misunderstood. That need for connection and emotional presence is exactly what makes conflicts hard to resolve.
When we disconnect, we become emotionally and mentally disoriented. The void within us may push us to resolve conflicts in unhealthy ways. We may disrespect each other, not listen to the other, or fail to express our emotions. We may judge, criticize, or resent. We may unconsciously do all sorts of things just to regain the connection we have lost.
The solution may be easier than we think. Instead of focusing on the problem and eroding our relationship, maybe we need to admit to ourselves (and each other) that the loss of connection sucks.
We need to stop acting as if everything’s fine…because it’s not. Emotional humbleness may be the way to resolve our conflicts because the root cause of all our relationship problems is the momentary inability to love and feel loved.
We start there. We start by recognizing the need to remain in a loving and peaceful state, then we can communicate—openly and beautifully. Then we can talk about our needs and how we can resort to connecting instead of fighting.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: ArtHouse Studio/Pexels
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