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My loved one was playful and liked to tease me when I was a child.
Never cruelly. It was the kind of teasing that made me feel noticed and included.
When I learned that he had died by suicide, I was stunned. I remember thinking: But he was so playful.
As though playfulness meant he could not have been suffering. As though a person who made other people laugh must also have wanted to remain alive.
But at some point, the man I knew had reached a place where he could no longer understand how to move forward alive.
That did not make his playfulness false. He was not necessarily using humor to hide some darker, truer self. I believe he genuinely enjoyed joking with me.
What was false was my belief that his playfulness told me he was safe.
I thought despair would look like despair.
I expected it to announce itself through withdrawal, stillness, or an obvious inability to participate in ordinary life. Surely someone in profound danger would stop going to work, stop answering the phone, stop making plans, or stop laughing when something was funny.
But people don’t always stop.
They get dressed. They answer messages. They pick up groceries on the way home and remember where someone needs to be next Tuesday. They may laugh because something really is funny.
We look at that life and see evidence. Whatever the person is going through, we decide it cannot be that bad.
Meanwhile, the person may be using nearly everything they have to produce the evidence we are using against them.
Depression can feel like performing CPR on your own life all day long.
Because the life keeps getting up and walking around, everyone assumes it is breathing on its own.
Someone can enjoy lunch and dread going home. They can love their family and feel exhausted by the effort of remaining alive. The good moment may be completely real. It just isn’t the whole story.
Neither is the finished email, the dinner on the table, or the friend who arrived on time. We see what was accomplished. We have no idea what had to be spent to accomplish it.
Continued functioning can make suffering harder to explain. The person says they are barely managing, while everyone else is looking at someone who got dressed, arrived on time, and remembered to bring dessert.
Maybe they try to tell the truth and frighten the person listening. Or they are met with advice before they have finished speaking. They might even end up reassuring the person they tried to tell that they are okay.
So next time, they make the truth smaller.
They call it stress or say they haven’t been sleeping. Then they make a joke so everyone knows they don’t have to worry too much.
After a while, not explaining may feel easier.
This is how someone can be loved, included, and needed while living inside a reality no one else knows exists.
The people around them know the person who works, laughs, remembers birthdays, and keeps showing up. Those are real parts of the person. They simply are not all of them.
How do you tell someone you are not sure you can continue when you keep continuing right in front of them?
This does not mean every suicide leaves clues the people left behind should have recognized.
I could not have studied my loved one’s laughter and discovered what was going to happen.
My loved one was playful. He made me feel noticed and included.
He also reached a point where remaining alive no longer seemed possible to him.
I don’t know everything that happened between those truths. I only know that one did not cancel the other.
His laughter could not tell me he was safe.
It could only tell me that, in that moment, he was laughing.
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September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. If you or a loved one are going through a difficult time, struggling, or having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. Support is available.
>> In the United States call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, open 24/7 for free and confidential assistance. You can also chat online if you prefer.
>> International? Find resources and support services in your country at findahelpline.com.
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