CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Taking Responsibility

Hi, I am Ramona P,

My story started as a little girl seeing my mom in abusive relationships. I am the eldest of 7 children. Caretaking became my way of survival; if I can just focus on taking care of others, I won’t have to think about how sad I felt deep inside. I usually felt fearful, ashamed, not enough. I started self-medicating with food as a toddler; it’s still a struggle today over 50 years later. Let’s not think about experimental drugs and alcohol use. My dad was an alcoholic, so I was determined not to become one.

Seeing my mother in toxic relationships caused me to suppress my anger, although, I felt that I wanted to hurt the men that hurt her. There were times, I wanted to hurt her for the abuse she inflicted on me. Another way I coped was being a loner. I always needed time alone, a long walk, sitting in the park or ocean. These are some of the things I do today to help gain my serenity.

Believing in a Higher Power was never strange to me. That seed was planted by my grandparents. There were times I thought he was angry with me. I kept making bad choices. Eventually, I learned the power of forgiveness, grace, mercy, unconditional love.

I did grow up only to marry an alcoholic and suffer the consequences of that. I waited…and waited…for him to “change.” I tried to love him into change, guilt trip him into change. Nothing worked. I finally surrendered. I asked for God’s help.

Eventually, I realized how bad I needed change. I was now a mother with 3 little girls, who needed a mom that can set an example for them. Although, they had already been affected by my codependent reactions.

It was me that needed to change; it was the power within me. In 1992, I entered the rooms of recovery. CoDA saved my life. I gained a new awareness. I began to see that I was responsible for my own happiness. I tried to do it alone at some point, but my higher power (God) showed me that I needed to stay connected. Today, I am sharing my experience, strength, and hope, in my writings, service, teaching on social media, speaking at schools, etc. I am so happy that my Higher Power kept his hands on me. Today, even though I still have to be aware of my thoughts and feelings, I can take responsibility for me and how I feel. I can choose to own my power in all my relationships to avoid resentment. I am direct, my “no” is important to keep me safe and serene. I have hope for the future as I pray daily for others and those I love. I am still learning to Let Go and Let God.

Ramona P. 10/04/2022