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Not so long ago, my husband found himself in a pickle.
It wasn’t serious, but it was a situation that he could have deflected by blaming the other person.
We were seated at the kitchen counter talking about the situation when he paused, chuckled, and called his mother. He asked her for a special frame that was once hung on the wall of his childhood bedroom. It was a crocheted picture of a boy with a lopsided pail over his head with the quotation, “Please be patient…God isn’t finished with me yet…” The frame has since found a new home in his office.
I was born Catholic and devoutly followed the faith well into adulthood. At 50, I’m reluctant to identify my spirituality, but for the sake of conversational convenience, I most closely align with Buddhism. While I know the intent of that 1970s crocheted wisdom is in a Christian context, I find tremendous power in the words.
At quick glance, a reader might be left with the opinion that it suggests helplessness—that we are at the mercy of an off-planet God. But when I invoke the quotation (which has become a go-to one with my husband), I hold it as a gentle reminder of the goal to live life as a seamless spiritual practice, which means living intentionally from the center of my life’s Venn, the overlapping space that encompasses my body and soul.
Living from the center means consciously knowing and living that we are both things at once—spiritual beings having a unique human experience. It means remembering our bodies are vessels for the Divine to express itself.
When the body and soul work in harmony, when we remember our interconnectedness as souls is what ultimately fuels us, our actions are more balanced. But when we forget our duality, when we act with only our personalities in mind, conflict ensues. This balance of body and soul is tough to remember in our own everyday lives, and it’s even tougher to remember that everyone else is attempting a balancing act, too, whether they know it or not.
When we find ourselves at odds with others, it’s because all or some of the people involved are too identified with their unique identities. During these times, it’s tempting to reach for words and phrases that give our side a boost. But these ego-based sentiments contribute to the imbalance.
With a little fine tuning, the essence of those common sentiments can nudge us in the direction of that overlapping space—the space that honors our uniqueness and connection to the Divine. It can help us keep this balance at the forefront of our wandering minds.
Here are three common words and phrases that often lead us further into our human form—an imbalance that leads to more discontent.
1. The word “toxic.”
It’s a word I’ve misused. It’s a word I’ve heard others misuse while I nodded in affirmation. I’ve read countless Instagram posts about toxic people, even giving some of them hearts because the message resonates.
But the more I work toward my aim of living at the center of the Venn, there’s a light tap on the shoulder. Am I veering into self-righteousness, which means veering into validation of my own form? Do others heart the phrase while thinking of me? Perhaps the same people I thought of when I hearted it?
If I position myself in the center of the Venn, I understand that a person is not “toxic”; they have a soul running through their body that keeps them alive. That soul is the same energy that animates all of us, but their human form is taking too much of a lead, such as through gossip or mean-spirited remarks disguised as humor. And when someone is acting solely from the vantage point of their unique human form, they’re overdosing on their physical identity. And it happens to all of us.
Inching toward the center means seeing the behavior for what it is. Exercise discernment over judgement; acknowledge the behavior is toxic because it’s too far away from their center. The behavior is toxic, but their essence can’t be. The energy that keeps them alive is what connects us.
2. The word “deserve.” Admittedly, this is one word that mindlessly rolls off my tongue in support of people I love. “You deserve it!” is a sentiment expressed in reaction to a friend’s good fortune. The focus is on their journey, their hard work, and their good qualities. It’s a celebration of all the right dots connecting—the reward that’s supposed to come after hard work or trials.
And then there’s the not-so-nice summoning of the term. Taking comfort in someone’s downfall, someone who has hurt us or who has hurt others. “They deserve it.” It’s an expression that reverberates the convenient distant, smug, matter-of-fact tone.
And then the Universe lightly taps me again on the shoulder, asking if I’m sure I want to adhere to the true meaning of the word deserve. Do I want an impartial judge to evaluate all my life choices and render a decision on what I deserve? Because all intentional, big choices are composed of micro choices, decisions made so frequently and fluidly that they do not seem like choices at all. Are all my choices made with the balance of body and soul in mind? How many of my subconscious choices are made in the name of egoic self-preservation? How many of my choices are made from fear? How many of my choices are made from authentic love?
What do we deserve? I don’t think we want what we truly “deserve.” The colloquial concept of deserving is rooted in subjective identity.
3. “That’s just who they are.” Expressed in a detached tone, it suggests discernment. This sentiment focuses on the identity of the person, a reductive way to describe their personality. When viewed through the center of the Venn, we know this statement is false.
In revisiting the idea of the micro choices that influence macro ones, it’s helpful to remember it’s more than our own micro choices. We are comprised of the micro choices of our ancestors, current families, friends…everyone on this planet. Who are we? We are the composite of our society, a truth that brings a rich reflective layer to the concept of free will.
While tempting to use this phrase to plainly summarize a person’s behaviors, perhaps a more accurate approach would be to reflect on the specific behavior without making a sweeping statement. Perhaps reflecting that the action in question is someone veering too far into their form without regard for our interconnectedness.
The reframed common phrases presented is not meant to make light of people and situations that cause us pain. It’s not intended to pardon abuse and threatening actions. It’s meant to be a tool to use in everyday interactions that leave us frustrated, angry, and picking sides on matters that are benign in the grand scheme of things. It’s a tool to help us silence the petty noise that leads to divisiveness in our immediate world.
If we can hold this perspective with those whom we interact in our daily lives, if we can remember their soul when we are upset with their form, we are leaving a space for grace. We are silently affirming we are not giving up on them—the Divine is still present with us all.
~
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