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“Magic comes from what is inside you. It is a part of you. You can’t weave together a spell that you don’t believe in.” ~ Jim Butcher
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I am just going to cut through all the noise, and tell you straightaway what the rule is:
I simply ask myself, “Can I exhale here?”
I don’t like fakeness. I don’t like pretending, playing games, or following a checklist of behaviors designed to “get someone” or “look right.” Dating for me has always been about authenticity—showing up as myself, clearly, honestly, and fully. I want to speak directly, express my desires without masks, and engage with someone who is capable of doing the same.
Too often, we get swept up in trying to appear casual, cool, or strategic—hiding curiosity, excitement, or interest so we don’t seem “too much.” It’s exhausting, and it keeps us from actually connecting.
Real connection doesn’t happen when we’re performing. It took me a long time to notice this.
It happens when we’re aligned with our values, listening to our body, and speaking our truth.
I realized how often I had been holding my breath, literally and figuratively, trying to follow all the “rules” instead of trusting what my body and heart actually knew. After a date with someone I liked, my mind started racing: Should I text first? Did I say too much? Am I coming on too strong?
My shoulders tightened, my chest felt heavy. The so-called butterflies weren’t alerting me to something magical; they were flying out of control.
That’s when I realized my body was trying to tell me something my mind hadn’t: I wanted to reach out honestly, without overthinking or trying to control the outcome.
So I did. I sent a message that reflected exactly how I felt. The relief I felt in that breath, in that moment of truth, taught me more than any dating “rule” ever could.
Dating isn’t purely about following your gut. Certainly it does involve a kind of “strategy”—the art of communication or small choices that guide connection.
But strategy only works when it’s grounded in something deeper.
There’s so much commentary on dating, especially in the social media world. Many of us turn to the internet for guidance, reassurance, tips on what to do.
I get it. There is something relieving and comforting about having access to a wealth of information and a so-called “objective” opinion on what to do or say in dating.
Especially when we are bombarded with decades-long “gender wars” and an endless approved rules list that promises to get us the dating outcomes we want, it’s easy to get caught up in that type of buzzing energy. It makes us forget we have authority of our own and instead converts us into soldiers, defensive and armored, instead of builders, open and present.
When we follow those external rules instead of using our bodies as a compass, we can feel our shoulders tense, our breath become shallow, our heart race, or our gut contract. Then we reach for soothing answers. We are often led to give up on our intuition, handing over our power to rules, “experts,” or the latest hum that declares an instant fix.
Of course, when we start to radiate toward something new, there is always a mix of learning new strategies (education) and listening to what our bodies actually know (awareness).
Many of us have forgotten to focus on the later, even though our nervous system carries the clearest signals of what feels safe, aligned, and authentic.
True wisdom in dating comes when we meet strategy with somatic awareness.
Think about this: even if you consciously know what is relationally “healthy,” fears grab your attention, causing you to seek approval, validation, or reassurance.
And fear isn’t just a thought. It lives in our bodies through energy states like hyper-vigilance, overthinking, people pleasing, and so on. It tells you things like, “If I don’t handle this correctly, I might get hurt again.”
Our minds aren’t the only thing running the show. Our bodies inform us from the bottom up in many ways, too.
And knowing what is best intellectually doesn’t always translate into us doing it. Noticing our unease doesn’t automatically mean we’ll respond from clarity or courage. Our nervous system often drives automatic responses—holding tension, second-guessing, or pulling back—long before the mind catches up.
So instead of asking, “What should I do or say here?” or “What will make them want me?” or “How should I protect myself here while taking minimal risk?” ask “Can I exhale here?”
If yes, then it’s right, no matter what the “rules” say.
Because the body knows long before the mind starts strategizing.
And here’s some nuance: your body also knows if you are speaking your truth about your desires. So yes, we must also ask: “Does this give me a sense of peace? Does this speak my truth?”
Listening to yourself is a skill. If you’ve spent years ignoring your own signals, it takes some practice to hear them clearly again.
To speak your truth, you align your words and actions with your values.
And certainly, we need to know our values first in order to speak them. These are the ones that make us feel steady, calm, alive, things that make us want to orient our lives toward something bigger. They can feel like a spark in our belly, a sense of ease that we know we are on the right track. Once we know our true values, they help direct our words and actions.
For example, you had a wonderful first date. You both agree to have another one. But they don’t call you for said date within three days. Your mind starts spinning. You hear all the “rules” like “Don’t seem too eager, too available,” “Play it cool,” “If he wanted to, he would by now!” echo in your head.
You scour the internet, interrogate your friends. You seek out Reddit threads on how long to wait or guidance of any type so that you don’t have to stay in this state of uncertainty.
I am asking you to pause right here.
To simplify.
To check-in with your body.
If we are courageously honest here, perhaps we see that we are trying to manipulate the situation instead of defining it. Manipulation here means trying to control someone else’s behavior instead of staying firm in your values. There is a sense of pushing or convincing instead of a grounded state of being met, seen, or understood.
We corner them instead of inviting them to come over.
Defining it, on the other hand, is claiming your own desires and boundaries clearly, without needing to control the outcome. It means stating what you want, showing up as yourself, and letting the other person respond freely. You are no longer trying to force a reaction. You are simply holding your own space, radiating authenticity, and creating the conditions for genuine connection to emerge.
We may come to feel how manifesting really works. Not by commanding or forcing an outcome with strategy only, but with aligning with our values and holding our self-loving boundaries, listening to our internal compass, our body, our nervous system.
So, in this example, how could we use the charge in our bodies to help us align to what we truly want?
Is it sending one of those casual-type of texts everyone recommends: “Hey, hope you are doing well.”
Is it just passively waiting for things to naturally align while we sit in a tense state, holding our breath while resentment builds?
Or is it saying our truth—and letting our bodies exhale?
What if we tried something like:
“Hey, I’m new to dating again, and I’m not sure all the rules we’re supposed to follow, but I know I had a great time. I know you mentioned you have some family things to handle, but I’d like to hang out again and get to know you more when things settle down.”
No matter what the “rules” say, do what aligns to your values (authentic connection) and your truth (I had a good time, interested in more).
What makes you feel like you, but calm?
Can I exhale here?
Rest assured, even if they don’t call again, you stayed true to yourself. You held your own empowered authority. You danced in freedom. You practiced discernment, understanding what you truly want rather than connecting out of fear.
Your body relaxes. You realized the rules actually were stress-inducing rather than stress-relieving.
With that clarity you come to sense you are also a spark. When you’re rooted in authenticity, that same aliveness begins to radiate from you. And from that place, you become a builder of connection: setting the tone, the pace, and the quality of what you’re willing to co-create.
Tell me, doesn’t that jolt more life into your dating experience? Doesn’t it feel more electric, vibrant, and delicious than hunting for the perfect rule to “force” someone to meet your desires?
The body offers wisdom. We’ve been taught the magic is in the other person, that they determine our sense of aliveness. We forget that this energy is something we participate in, something we co-create.
I invite you to see dating differently: feel your way into a new truth. Exhale into your own magic. Begin weaving a more authentic spell.
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