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Like most people, I like to think I’m fairly emotionally intelligent.
I can talk about my feelings until my brain starts to melt. I’ve been “doing the work” in therapy for years. I can adjust my tone and remain calm in order to diffuse tension (most of the time). And I’m open and curious, if sometimes overly empathetic, when it comes to understanding someone else’s experiences and opinions.
So I should be good, right?
Well, not entirely. Life—like it often does—shows me regularly that I’m not as emotionally well adjusted as I’d like to believe.
Because emotional intelligence is about more than checking boxes off a list:
Did I pause before reacting? Check.
Did I use reflective listening? Check.
Did I apologize without excuses? Check.
Did I set healthy boundaries? Check.
Did I show enough empathy? Check.
I saw a post recently that redefined emotional intelligence, and it is changing how I show up in relationships:
I used to think being emotionally intelligent was about how I interacted with others. How I showed up during the hard days, the struggles, the conflicts. And while that’s still true, these words helped me see that more than anything, emotional intelligence is about how I show up with myself first.
Can I name what I’m feeling?
Can I sit with these feelings?
Can I let them live in my body?
Can I understand where they came from?
Can I truly own these feelings, without judgement?
So often, we try to work through our emotional turmoil with those closest to us—our partners, our friends, our family—before we’ve even given ourselves time to understand what we’re feeling. We think talking it through makes us smart, empathetic, mature. But because we’re still processing, we end up recklessly spewing all our stuff onto those we care about most.
What if we tried to understand ourselves first? What if we gave our feelings our undivided attention? What if we sat in the dark with ourselves long enough to find the light?
Maybe emotional intelligence starts with being selfish enough to focus on understanding our own head and heart, and ends with handing those feelings gently to those who long to sit in that understanding with us.
~
author: Nicole Cameron
Image: Gantas Vaičiulėnas/Unsplash
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