—it’s Time We had this Conversation.
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I got a phone call from my son’s school to pick him up.
As I arrived at school to pick up my kid, I had a clue that my kid was not really sick.
I saw it was the colour fun run—a day where kids run through the oval and get sprayed with colourful powder. Kids needed to wear white, to show off the colourful artwork at the end of the day.
All the kids were dressed in white t-shirts.
Mine was in his blue uniform.
I had forgotten. Or had I?
I quickly went through my school emails on my phone…nothing about the colour run. Not one email.
It was probably in the 30-page newsletter sent each week. But man, that newsletter is not for me.
I arrived at the office, where the not-so-friendly admin welcomed me with her usual coldness. I went to get my kid from sick bay—who wasn’t really sick, but was lonely. He wasn’t allowed to run in the fun run because I hadn’t signed a form that I had never received. When I made a comment, the not-so-nice lady at the office told me they can’t keep track of 400 kids.
Arriving home…a ball in my stomach. A bubbling pressure…
Energy moving from freaking rage to tears.
I went into my husband’s office, asked for five minutes, told him I was having a big meltdown, or a small breakdown.
Vented about school.
This wasn’t really about the fun run.
My kid has been refusing or unable to go to school for weeks, on particular days when a certain teacher was teaching. Weeks of trying to uncover what was underneath this—something even the school couldn’t get to the bottom of. Weeks of managing my own work while having my kid at home, unable to care for him the way I would have liked. Weeks of worrying about his education…weeks of worrying about his wellbeing.
All in the midst of promoting and preparing a big retreat, a new leadership role in a networking group, connecting with people to go on stage and speak about subjects that matter to me. And a bit of hip pain that’s been lingering for months.
From a neurospicy family point of view, man, can school be hard. Depending on the teacher. Depending on the principal and staff…an old and rigid system for a new world.
Truth is, I was frustrated with myself for not remembering it all—the orange t-shirt day, the fun run day, the band day, the parade day, the teacher interview day…in the midst of everything, and tuning in to everyone’s physical and emotional needs.
I was frustrated because there is an expectation I have of myself that I can do it all.
That I should be able to do it all.
A mix of learned behaviour from childhood, when being good was being helpful. A mix of my achiever mindset, where asking for help means…
I am actually good at asking for help from my hubby, and he is fantastic at listening, responding, helping. He does a lot.
It was this idea of failing my kid. Failing myself as a mum.
Here’s the thing we tend to get wrong:
We tell the person carrying the load to become more efficient. To try this calming strategy or that one. When really, we need to look at the system around her. The belief that leads to burnout.
Why is she carrying all this?
Women being the resource, all the time…instead of being well resourced. Resource coming from the family, husband, partner, other children, and the system around us—the village, schools, daycare.
And deep inside, working on the beliefs that are harmful—the ones that say our capacity to give and do is the only reason we are worthy.
I am a definite feminist, but sometimes there is a message that is without nuance attributed to the movement, “You can do it all. You are powerful. You can do it alone.” and this can be counterproductive.
“You can do it all.” could look, from the outside, like you have it all figured out. On the inside, it often looks like chaos and exhaustion.
But really feminism is about choice. Women choosing their life, at any moment.
Well resourced is having options. Having a healthy belief that yes, you can—but should you?
How does it feel inside?
That if you say no once, you are still a reliable being. You also take care of yourself.
This deep connection to ourselves is primordial to being well resourced. To know when beliefs are showing up that don’t need to show up. Or need updating.
Here’s to new beliefs:
You can say no and still be lovable.
You can say yes to yourself and fun and still be reliable.
You can choose to rest and not be lazy.
You may forget things and not be a loser.
Actually choosing to say no when you want to say no, yes when you want to say yes, rest when your body is tired, forget things sometimes, make mistakes and still be lovable…is the kindest, truest, strongest, softest thing you can do.
Authentically you.
You can still give and be a reliable friend, but without getting depleted. Everything is a choice, not an obligation.
So that day, I took a breath after my deep cry, and I stood up.
I told myself September is a month of nourishing myself in the midst of all the busyness. And I am owning it. I said yes to the energising things: rock climbing, restorative yoga for me…not as a teacher…(thank you, Keisha, for the beautiful space you hold). I said no to a few yoga classes I could have taught.
I refuse to think that me forgetting a few things for my kids means anything other than that I am busy and things slip—and that school could have done a better job caring for a kid who is already struggling to show up.
We are all in it together.
Let’s make the change needed to make this world a better place for everyone to live in.
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