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Sunday 15 September 2024
Grief & Disbelief: Living in the World in 2024.
{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
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*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.
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There are a number of things about being in the world nowadays that are really hard.
Mostly, I keep the harsh realities of our world buried underneath denial, distraction, and a lot of privilege. Every so often, though, reality impinges, I allow myself to feel, and I start sobbing.
I know it not a “manly” thing to do, this sobbing, and being public about it (as I am now) isn’t the most celebrated thing in our culture. But I believe grief is an appropriate response to some of what’s going on in the world, even enough to make a grown man cry.
My hope is that by being transparent about my grief, and talking about some of what is so painful for me, I might normalize the having of feelings, even if they’re painful feelings, and provide solace and encouragement to others who are in a similar state of disbelief and grief.
So, what’s at the top of my list of heartbreaks?
Gaza:
Even though it’s half a world away, and I limit the amount of news I allow myself to take it, I’ve seen enough to know it’s a horror of almost incomprehensible proportions. Part of me, of course, wants to look away. Part of me justifies my desire to look away: “There’s nothing I can do, so why allow myself to be stressed and depressed about it?” I want to stick my head in the sand, and pretend I haven’t seen what I have seen. Pretend I don’t know what I do know: Every one of the deaths in Gaza…now estimated at over 40,000 (!)…is a tragedy beyond measure.
And, of course, it’s not only a tragedy for all those whose lives came to a violent, painful, and horrific end but for every friend, child, husband or wife, or relative who loved that person and was left behind, whose life was intimately and intricately poignantly intertwined with the person who was killed. And, 40,000-plus just refers to the numbers killed. If we add the wounded, crippled, blinded, and maimed, the numbers are multiples of that.
What if bombs were raining down in our town? What if our homes, and our neighbors’ homes, and our downtown were all reduced to a tangled, smoldering rubble? And what if a loved one of ours was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they were taken from us, forever? What if someone we loved was trapped in the rubble of a building and couldn’t be reached in time?
I can’t sit with the horror for too long, but I also don’t want to pretend that it doesn’t exist. It does exist. It’s happening. Now. And I know there are reasons why Israel is doing what they’re doing, but that knowledge doesn’t lessen the impact. I will tell you plainly: It hurts like crazy. I want it to stop!
Democracy:
I take our democracy for granted—or at least took it for granted. I assumed that there was enough transparency in the system, and safeguards, and basic goodness of the American people that our democracy would never be and could never be fundamentally challenged and in jeopardy. Of course, I know big money buys politicians, and our system is in desperate need of campaign finance reform, and voters are disenfranchised for all sorts of reasons, but that such a blatant and unabashed assault on democracy that happened and is potentially being orchestrated in the United States seemed unthinkable to me.
I assumed that even if there were one or two unhinged despots eyeing political power, the systems we have in place and the common intelligence of the majority would have democracy abide, at least here in the United States. But I’m not so sure of that anymore. January 6th was a big wake-up call, as was the recorded conversation of Trump telling Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger to “find votes.”
There is an attack on democracy that is hard to comprehend: grief and disbelief.
Climate change:
In spite of all the evidence, and the dire consequences of that climate change, which we’re witnessing, we’re unable to make changes, and we’re rapaciously f*cking up the planet for future generations. I feel sad, and ashamed, that we’re being such poor stewards of the planet, and that we’re going to be leaving a damaged and ravaged Earth to future generations. I’m sorry, future generations.
Donald Trump:
In spite of all that is on the record in terms of who he is, and what he’s done, and how he is, there are still tens of millions of people who will vote for him to be our next president, and he has a real chance of getting elected as President of the United States. I have trouble understanding this. It scares me. It hurts.
It used to be that if you were caught on tape bragging about being able to “grab women by the pussy and get away with it” that would ruin your chances of becoming the next President of the United States. Being credibly accused of molesting a woman in department store dressing room would negatively affect your standing. Being a convicted felon for using campaign funds to kill a story about having sex with a prostitute, when you’re married with a new baby child, would have an impact on your chances of success.
In my world, it should be enough to knock you out of the race. Mocking a disabled person—no big deal. Pushing through a Supreme Court appointment within months of his term ending, while after denying the Democratic nomination of Merrick Garland because it was within a year Obama’s term ending. Setting up the overturning of Roe v. Wade. His recorded “find votes” phone call to Raffenberg in Georgia. A persistent, meritless, and pathological claim about the 2020 election being “stolen”? Nope.
The fact that Donald Trump is the way that he is somehow is not so hard to comprehend, but the fact that 60-plus million voters who—despite all that is on the record about Donald Trump—will still blacken the circle by Donald Trump’s name as their choice to lead this country is almost incomprehensible to me, and deeply disturbing: disbelief and grief.
Please note: I don’t feel comfortable posting this. I grew up with the maxims: “Keep quiet. Don’t speak up. If you speak up, you make yourself a target.” And “keeping quiet” is what I’ve done most of my life, relative to the strong need for speaking up. But I believe “Silence is Violence.”
So, with fear and trembling, I’m speaking up.
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Paper Cuts in a Relationship: The Small Wounds that Make us Pull Away.
{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
We often think of big disappointments when it comes to romantic relationships.
We talk about cheating, lying, loss of trust, or a lack of intimacy. But we rarely talk about the small disappointments that, when repeated frequently, cause severe emotional distress.
On the surface, they may seem small—insignificant even. However, if our partner confronts us, we may in fact laugh about them and wonder why they’re so damn upset.
Although this scenario might be recurrent in our relationships, we tend to overlook it, especially if we’re the ones causing the small, insignificant wounds: the paper cuts.
Incidents like sudden outbursts, lack of support, criticism, rude words, forgetfulness, or miscommunication can gradually lead to feelings of resentment and may cause partners to slowly drift apart.
Just like a paper cut, the wound might not be visible, but we can’t ignore the discomfort it causes. The emotional pain that paper cuts generate might be tiny in the beginning, but when they accumulate and fester, the consequences become disastrous.
Partners with increased paper cuts might feel a deep feeling of disconnection and pull away if triggered again. On the other hand, partners who cause the paper cuts might find it difficult to relate to their partner and might call them “needy,” “sensitive,” or “dramatic”—which, by all means, makes the whole issue worse.
The most common problem we face concerning paper cuts is the accumulation of emotional suffering. That’s why in order to make positive changes, both partners need to be willing to recognise the hurt.
The one who has caused paper cuts should be empathetic and see things from their partner’s point of view. Even if what they said or did doesn’t make sense to them, they should be willing to open their minds and hearts in order to build closeness and feel what their partner is feeling.
As for the one who’s been suffering from paper cuts, they should be willing to openly and swiftly communicate their needs and concerns. Since it’s the accumulation of pain that breaks relationships apart, we should learn how to be honest and gentle when it comes to explaining our emotions and thoughts.
Through open communication and empathy, partners might be able to avoid the emotional distress that paper cuts create. More importantly, they should not dismiss each other’s feelings, regardless of how silly or unimportant they might seem.
Lastly, we need to remember that sometimes paper cuts are unavoidable. It’s normal and common to be hurt in our relationship—even good relationships give rise to occasional discomfort. However, we need to prioritise and normalise regular check-ins to find practical solutions and discuss our concerns.
~
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Andrik Langfield/Unsplash
Saturday 14 September 2024
On this day of your life
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I believe God wants you to know ... ... that there is
no such thing as a "bad omen," so you don't
have to avoid black cats today. Or ladders. Or
cracks in the sidewalk. Friday the 13th can be the Best Day
of Your Life So Far. And it will be if you choose to
see everything in your life today as a miracle. That includes the
growing of the grass, the passing of a cloud, the smile
on another's face...and the beating of your own heart. Live the
miracle that is Life today, and do not worry about "bad
omens." Remember, nothing is evil, lest thinking make it
so. (Wm. Shakespeare) |
Embracing Womanhood (OM)
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When a
woman honors herself, all women collectively move closer to becoming what
they're truly capable of being. |
|
There are many ways and reasons for women
to honor and embrace all that they are. And when any individual woman chooses
to do so, all women collectively move closer to becoming what they are truly
capable of being. By honoring her experience and being willing to share it
with others — both males and females — she teaches as she learns. When she
trusts herself and her inner voice, she teaches those around her to trust her
as well. When she clasps hands with family members, friends, coworkers, and
strangers in a shared walk through the journey of life, she allows all to see
the self-respect she possesses and accepts their respect, too. When a woman can look back into her past,
doing so without regret and instead seeing only lessons that brought her to
her current strength and wisdom, she embraces the fullness of her experience.
She helps those around her to build upon the past as she does. And when she
chooses to create her desires, she places her power in the present and moves
forward with life into the future. Seeing her own divinity, a woman learns to
recognize the divinity in all women. She then can see her body as a temple,
appreciating its feminine form and function, regardless of what age or stage
of life she finds herself. She can enjoy all that it brings to her experience
and can appreciate other women and their experiences as well. Rather than
seeing other women as competition, she can see the cycle of life reflected in
the beauty of her sisters, reminding her of her own radiance should she ever
forget. She can then celebrate all the many aspects that make her a being
worthy of praise — dancing to express the physical, speaking proudly to
express her intellect, sharing her emotions, and leading the way with her
spiritual guidance. Embracing her womanhood, she reveals the facets that
allow her to shine with the beauty and strength of a diamond to illuminate
her world. |
Toki Pona: A Minimalist Language that can Simplify our Thoughts.
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{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
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Most readers may not know that there exist many languages that are man-made, which are normally known as constructed languages.
Perhaps a few may have heard about Esperanto, the international auxiliary language created by Zamenhof in 1887, but it is unlikely that many may have heard about Toki Pona.
Toki Pona with its simplicity goes against everything our mainstream society preaches: to be happy, or rather to be “someone,” we need to have more and more and more. More of everything: more money, more fun, more food, more possessions, and even more words! Yes, more words.
For our society, the more complicated, the better. Just look at how complicated life is becoming! Information technology promised to make our life easier, but the opposite has happened. Yes, perhaps we can do more things now while sitting comfortably in our homes (which is bad for our health, by the way), but other things are taking up our time and our mind.
As an academic, for example, until 15 years ago, when I wanted to submit an article for publication in an academic journal, I would just send an email attaching my article, that was it, 10 minutes of work. Nowadays, online submission takes a much longer time, if internet works well and the system is user-friendly enough. Some time ago, an academic article of mine was rejected because it was “only” 5,000 words long. Yes, a shortish article perhaps, but considering its subject matter, it was extensive and complete. The journal told me that I should add an extra 3,000 words or so in order for it to be considered! Amazing, but perfectly in line with how our society is evolving, a greedy society that wants more and more, even as far as words are concerned!
In Orwell’s 1984, the Big Brother would erase words to prevent people from using them and even thinking them, but now the strategy has changed—people are being controlled by cluttering their minds, submerging them in a sea of images and words.
This increasing complexity of life and language is an important part of modernity and the widespread economic system we are a part of. Leading a simple life with few material possessions is against the tenets of our consumeristic and polluting society. It is against its idea that to increase production and profits people and governments need to consume more, to buy more, and this includes any possible good, from computers to weapons: “From the market’s perspective, […] only by nurturing practically every kind of undifferentiated yearnings and desire — and then transmuting them into the urge to consume — can the economy stay on an upward course.” (Gross 2009, 53)
From the material point of view, the worst enemies of this economy may be Theravada Buddhist monks and Indian sadhus who don’t own anything, or some of the original hippies who went to live basic lives in rural communes. From the linguistic point of view, perhaps the worst enemies of consumer capitalism may be Tokiponists!
But what is Toki Pona exactly? It is a minimalist language created by Canadian Sonja Lang in 1991. With all the natural languages in the world (about 7,000 according to experts) why on earth should someone create a language anew, some may wonder. Well, according to its creator and many of its users (mostly on the Internet), such a simple language may help to simplify our thoughts.
As a young woman, Sonja Lang suffered from depression, so based on her vast linguistic knowledge she invented a new language, which was so simple that using it helped her to focus and rein in mulling over her thoughts: “Training your mind to think in Toki Pona can lead to deeper insights. If many of life’s problems are created by our excess thoughts, then Toki Pona filters out the noise and points to the centre of things. […] Toki pona promotes mindfulness. Become fully aware of the present moment.” (Lang 2014, 12)
But what is meant by “simple” here? Well, Toki Pona doesn’t have any verb tenses, no articles, no plural forms, no relative pronouns. But what is quite amazing is that it only has around 140 words! How can you communicate with only 140 words? Well, in two ways. First of all, any word can work as any part of the discourse—they can be nouns, adjectives, adverbs, verbs, and some even prepositions according to the position they have in the sentence.
For example, the word “seli” may mean “fire” as a noun, “hot” as an adjective, “heat” or “cook” as a verb, or “heatingly” as an adverb. Secondly, one can combine these words and create thousands more. For example, “coffee” can be expressed as “telo seli pimeja” (lit. hot black liquid), “car” as “tomo tawa” (the moving room), “friend” as “jan pona” (good person).
It is just amazing how much creativity this language can engender, but above all, it really forces you to think simply. Complicated sentences must be simplified. For example a sentence like: “Toki Pona is a creative language that can help simplifying thought,” may be translated as: “toki pona li ken pana e pona ni: jan li ken pali e nimi sin kepeken nimi pi toki pona. ona li ken pona e pilin jan” (literally: Toki Pona can give this good thing: people can make new words using/with Toki Pona words. It can improve/simplify people’s thoughts/feelings). Incidentally, capital letters are not used at the beginning of a sentence in Toki Pona, and only nine consonants and five vowels are used.
Learning such a simple language may help unclutter our mind, fighting in some way against the proliferation of useless words and convoluted long passages. This may perhaps also help to create a more humane, simpler, and less greedy society.
References:
Gross, David. 2009. The past in ruins. Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press.
Lang, Sonja. 2014. Toki Pona: The language of good. San Bernardino.
~
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