{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~
He was tall, slightly overweight in all the right places, and super handsome—in my eyes anyway.
I sat on my evening train out of the city after a long work day when I glanced up from my seated position and our eyes met. My heart stopped for a split second before I forced myself to quickly look away.
Oh my goodness.
I didn’t want to look his way for the remainder of the ride home, but I had just taken my seat; I still had an hour to go before I made it to my stop. If I was lucky, he’d get off sooner than later.
I felt his eyes on me the entire ride and it was reconfirmed every time I took a quick peek his way.
Connecting with someone from afar was always hard for me. I instantly felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to flirt with my body language or my eyes. It was safer for me to look away and forget it actually happened. But this felt different. I was immediately attracted to this stranger.
But it was my unlucky day indeed when we both got up at the same station to exit the train. He must be new because I’ve taken this same train for years and never noticed him before now.
Unlike my shy self when it comes to afar, up close I’m much bolder. So I walked up to him once we hit the platform and I introduced myself. He did the same and we parted ways.
By the next day, we were waving to each other from across the train.
By the following week, we were sitting across from each other where a friendship was beginning to form. We talked about love and relationships. We talked about politics and religion. We talked about our hopes and dreams. We were having so much fun that our neighbouring train riders took notice and joined in to form a train crew of sorts. It was the best part of my days.
As much as I was attracted to him and wanted him to ask me out, I do prefer a friendship first. I like to learn who this person is to determine if we are even compatible. So the slow moving friendship was welcomed at first.
But there comes a point where it’s now or never. I knew he liked me. Every day he would find some excuse to touch me. Whether it was a light tap on my arm to whispers in my ear or a hand slap on my leg as he was telling the group a funny story. It was so obvious even the other women in our group would say things to me when he wasn’t there like “we know he likes you girl” or “he needs to ask you out already.” I laughed it off and denied their accusations. I didn’t want them to know I was totally into him.
The group became so close that we had started to meet for dinners once a month.
It was after one of those dinners that he finally made his move. We were normally the last two to leave after the group dinners, but instead of our normal friendly hug goodbye, he stalled a bit longer than normal and he kissed me.
It was finally happening.
But over the next few months, nothing happened at all.
We spent time together, but it was only after I initiated it. He never asked me out on a date. He never introduced me to his friends or family. I told myself he was going through stuff since his last breakup and he needed time. So I allowed him the necessary time to figure us out.
We continued to sit with our train crew every day, but no one knew we were spending time together away from the group.
Time was moving along and we weren’t progressing at all. I kept making excuses to myself for his non-interest in us. Maybe I was not making myself clear on my intentions. So I decided I had to be straight with him and tell him what I wanted.
The following night he came over, and I told him how I felt. I told him I wanted more. He was who I wanted to be with.
He stood there in silence for what felt like years. And when he finally spoke, he stumbled over each word. He couldn’t give me a straight response. His stumbled words started going in circles and I didn’t understand what he was saying. Yet he kissed me. And as amazing as it was, something didn’t feel right with it.
I somehow only focused on that kiss and not the fact that he was telling me he couldn’t give me what I was asking for. He was telling me he didn’t want to be with me.
And yet I allowed this weird game to continue for a year. He let it happen as well. Giving me only small bits and pieces of him.
The emotional torture I put myself through in that year was exhausting. I put myself down every chance I had. Clearly, I wasn’t good enough since he didn’t want to be with me. I kept beating myself up. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want me? I keep giving all of myself to try to show him what he was missing yet he didn’t seem to care.
I kept telling myself we were just friends and I was okay with it, then he would need me and I dropped everything to be there for him. Every time he reached out to me, I internally convinced myself that he wanted me too. Once he didn’t need me anymore, I wouldn’t hear from him in weeks.
I should have walked away the first time he told me he didn’t want me yet I kept going back for more.
Every time he didn’t respond to my text, it was him telling me again he didn’t want to be with me.
Every time he didn’t return my calls was him telling me again he didn’t want to be with me.
Every time he disappeared for weeks at a time he was telling me he didn’t want to be with me.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you twice that they don’t want to be with you.
I not only let him tell me once, but I allowed him to tell me over and over again that he didn’t want to be with me with his clear actions—that told me I didn’t mean a goddamn thing to him.
Once was enough.
Just because I allowed this to continue for far too long, it didn’t mean I would accept defeat and continue it.
I deserved more than he ever gave me.
I finally ended it. I found a different train home so I wouldn’t have to see him anymore; I blocked his number and took him off of every social media account he was on.
I won’t ever give pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any parts of me. I am a vibe and he doesn’t get to have my light.
I refuse to let anyone take advantage of me for their own selfish reasons. My generosity will only be for those who deserve it. My vibrant heart will be cherished and shared with those who love me.
I can’t let one mishap define me. And I took that experience as a learning opportunity. I will never let anyone tell me twice that they don’t want me.
I have too much to give to waste it on someone it was never meant for.
I am f*cking enough.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.