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I love all the sayings, quotes, and memes giving me advice on how I can navigate through my hectic love life and the long list of heartaches over the years.
They give me all the feels and make me feel empowered.
It’s those perfectly crafted bold statements of sorts created by strong women who have been through it all and were able to tally behaviours and actions of men resulting in a short and simple solution on how to see the bullsh*t before it’s too late.
“If he wanted to, he would” was a favorite of mine as I always believed that if a man wanted to, he absolutely would. Especially when it came to pursuing a love interest. I believed that if a man wanted me, he would make the necessary moves to make it happen.
It all started back to a time when I was young and carefree. During a time when I was living my best life. I was just out of college and the dating pool was ripe. Life was about socializing and experimenting in all of life’s pleasures.
I was in my early 20s and I befriended a guy from work who became one of my closest friends. We did everything together from working side by side each day to enjoying the exciting night life in the city every night.
We spent so much time together that it made sense to introduce each other to our respective friend groups. We became a staple in each other’s lives including spending time with each other’s family for holidays and birthdays.
Anyone on the outside might have thought we were dating, but it was the furthest thing from what we were.
The more time we spent together the closer we became. We were truly there for each other supporting one another along the way. We gave each other dating advice, gossiped about dates gone wrong, and swooned over dates gone right. We were each’s guide to the opposite sex.
There was no attraction from either of us. I just didn’t feel that way about him. Our friendship was too important to me.
Until one drunken New Year’s Eve when all the available single people went home and I ended up in his bed.
It came out of nowhere. I don’t even remember who made the first move. It started with one kiss at midnight and the next thing I knew we were naked and entangled.
When my eyes fluttered open the next morning, I lay there not moving, afraid to wake him.
I wanted to die. Why would we do something so stupid that might ruin our beautiful friendship?
As I moved at a snail’s pace toward the edge of the bed, and caterpillared down the side of the mattress, he reached for me and pulled me back up straight into his arms.
“Hey,” he mumbled into my neck.
I was stiff with fear and didn’t respond. He began to kiss my neck, my face, my ear…
I felt a little butterfly escape in the pit of my tummy. Oh for f*cks sake, noooooo! I silently berated myself for feeling something. I pulled away and propped up on my elbows to look at his handsome sleepy face. Then I did one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. I leaned down and kissed his sweet inviting lips.
I made an excuse to leave and hurried out of there. I needed time to process what just happened. Once I made it home safe and sound, I silenced my ringer and kept the shades drawn. I didn’t want anything to do with the outside world. I didn’t want to think about what had just happened, but I couldn’t get him out of my head. His tender kisses and his caring touch. Ugh.
When I woke up the next morning, there was no doubt that I wanted him. All of him. I was ready to take this to the next level and see where it went.
Until I saw him the following day and he went right into friend mode. It was like nothing ever happened. I felt my insides begin their climb to the surface and I quickly pushed every feeling I had entertained the day before back into its place. We were just friends. It meant nothing to him. I felt my heart breaking. I was crushed.
As the days turned into years, we remained besties. I was still the first person he called when he met someone new. He gushed over every hot woman who glanced his way. And he would show up to my house in the middle of the night with tears over a broken heart.
I had no choice but move on from those feelings I once felt for him because he made it clear by not doing a damn thing about us; I knew that whatever that was on New Year’s Eve meant nothing to him.
Our 20s came to an end and the days of staying out all hours of the night became a distant memory. We eventually grew apart and lost touch.
I hadn’t seen or heard from him in years. I hadn’t even run into any of his friends, which was strange because we all lived relatively close to each other.
Not until last summer when I was at the beach for the day with my children when I heard a familiar voice. It wasn’t him, but it was one of his closest friends, before I came into the picture.
My heart smiled immediately at the familiar face and all the memories that came crashing through my veins. But the memories were not of the man before me. It was the memories of my old friend that haunted me.
“Hi, do you remember me? I was friends with [him]. We used to work together.” I said shyly as I stood in front of him on a random beach in New Jersey.
He looked up from his blanket as he applied sunscreen to a young girl who I assumed was his daughter.
“Of course I do!” He practically yelled in surprise as he stood up to reach for a hug.
As he swung me around in his big bear hug, he continued. “How can I forget the girl [he] was madly in love with?”
Wait what? My heart stopped beating as the blood drained from my face.
He placed me down and looked surprised by my almost death look staring back at him.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know? He was crazy about you. He talked about you for years. He hoped you’d fall in love with him too.”
I still stood there listening to the most absorb thing I have ever heard.
When the blood made it’s way back into my face, I was finally able to speak. “Why didn’t he tell me?” I know it didn’t matter now, but I wanted to know.
“He was terrified. We kept telling him to tell you or to make a move, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to ruin your friendship if he told you how he felt in case you didn’t feel the same way. He thought you were too good for him. He didn’t think he ever really had a chance with you. And when you kept the relationship on a friendly vibe, he stuck to it, waiting and hoping that you would catch up and feel the same way one day.”
And that is when I realized not every man was the same. Not every story was the same. Those perfectly crafted quotes didn’t apply to all of us or our situations. Not everyone was confident or outgoing. Not everyone can go after what they want.
Even men carry fear of rejection.
Maybe a guy not doing something has nothing to do with not actually wanting to. Maybe, just maybe, he wants to but something inside of him can’t muster up the courage to be brave enough to go for it. Each person has their own ghosts they are up against. We don’t know everyone’s story.
I always assumed he didn’t want us because he didn’t make it happen. The fact was, he most certainly wanted to; he was just too scared to make his move.
Since that encounter, I stopped putting people’s actions or non-actions into a category or a blank statement on what it may or may not mean. Everyone has their own story, their own past that shapes them into who they are and how they interact with the people in their lives.
I don’t know if we would have worked out. I have no way of knowing how my life might look now if we did. What doesn’t change is the special place in my heart he will always have. Our moments together were experiences that shaped me into who I am today regardless of whether either one of us had the courage to say how we felt for each other. He will live in my heart forever.
From all of this, I stripped my old beliefs and expectations when it comes to having people in my life. I’m more open to allow each and every person in my life to be their authentic self without any assumptions of what their actions mean or don’t mean.
I surround myself with beautiful souls who light my world on fire in their own personal way.
I still appreciate all the sayings, quotes, and memes, but I don’t let it dictate my personal situations, experiences, and expectations because the ones who have hurt them have their own story who may be trying to conquer their own demons.
My new mantra is “don’t be anyone but yourself, and our time together will be filled with memories, experiences, and love” no matter how it plays out.
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