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One year ago, I decided to abstain from sex.
Not just sex, but any kind of emotional and romantic attachment.
Why, you might wonder? You see, growing up, I was taught that lovemaking is a sacred act. My body is special and should be shared with someone special, someone I shared a deep emotional and physical connection with.
Coming out of a five-year marriage and a two-year hiatus from romantic relationships, I convinced myself that I was ready to get back on the scene and try my luck again.
Unfortunately, I was quickly confronted with the reality of modern day dating, like ghosting and bread-crumbing.
I suffered significant emotional stress, and that triggered my abandonment trauma. It damaged my self-esteem and led me to question my value and desirability.
That’s when it hit me: the kind of intimacy I was having was no longer serving me emotionally and spiritually. Rather, I was using relationships to numb the pain from my divorce.
Sex had become a distraction, a measure of my self-worth.
I knew I had to hit pause on everything; I had to heal—to process my thoughts and feelings first. To work on finding peace, contentment, and joy without the catalyst of a new relationship or lover.
The first couple of months were difficult since there were no distractions. Deep underlying issues started to resurface. It felt like peeling back an onion. Each day, new layers of unresolved feelings would reveal themselves.
Some days it felt liberating and euphoric.
Some days I was overwhelmed by ruminating thoughts about my past relationships.
Perhaps the biggest benefit has been the mental clarity and focus that I don’t think I could have achieved had I not become celibate. Without the highs and lows of romantic entanglements, I am able to experience a greater sense of emotional equilibrium.
It has taught me to cultivate my own source of happiness and contentment.
This self-sufficiency has led to greater personal satisfaction and reduced dependence on external validation.
I’m glad I made this choice; it is not easy, but I need to heal. To take time out and nurse my emotional wounds.
I owe that to myself…and my future partner gets it as a side benefit of choosing me.
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