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“All broken things can be fixed. The hard part is deciding that they’re worth fixing.” ~ Jennifer Hartmann
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I admit it: I’m a giver and fixer when it comes to people and relationships.
It’s taken me years to realise and work with this aspect of mine. And while its great to be this way, it has its downsides too, and after many failures at trying to fix people and relationships, I realised that something does need to change in me.
My failure wasn’t that I didn’t give enough or couldn’t fix, but that I failed to realise that I don’t need to give all of me and fix every person and relationship that came my way without even assessing if they were truly worth my effort.
I gave till nothing was left of me (and I’ve done this plenty of times!). I kept fixing even when it broke me. I stopped only when my body crashed and screamed that there’s nothing more that it could do and I needed to stop whatever I was doing.
I had no option to but to slow down, tune in, and listen to what the gigantic emotional waves were trying to tell me, and they told me a lot of things about my life, my self. They helped me understand the why, what, and how of these two things—over-giving and fixing. And once I understood what they were really trying to say without any judgement, I was able to shift to ways of thinking, feeling, and being that felt more aligned with who I was and wanted to be.
Did it happen overnight? Nope. It’s taken years. And even now I find myself in and out of these at times, except that I’m so much better at supporting myself. Well, being a therapist also makes it a bit difficult at times because there are moments when I feel this urge to jump in and literally change someone’s life myself, only to realise that it won’t really work! So I help them by letting them be and meeting them wherever they are.
And I got here by understanding some fundamentals, which I want to share with you—my fellow over-giver and fixer. So, pay attention.
The truth is, you didn’t just wake up one day deciding you’re going to fix everyone and give until there’s nothing left. It happened slowly, quietly shaped by experiences, by what you saw, felt, and learned growing up. Somewhere along the way, you picked up this belief that love has to be earned. That the way to feel worthy, valued, and safe in relationships is to make yourself useful. To be the one who holds things together, who keeps showing up, no matter what.
And so, you became the fixer. The over-giver. The one who’s always anticipating needs, carrying emotional weight that isn’t yours, trying to make things easier for everyone else even when it costs you. You don’t think twice before stepping in because somewhere deep down, you’ve linked being needed to being loved. You’ve convinced yourself that if you can just fix it, if you can just give enough, maybe just maybe you’ll be chosen. You’ll finally feel like you’re enough.
It plays out in the most subtle ways. You start taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours to fix. You feel anxious when someone you love is struggling, so you jump in—offering solutions, bending over backwards, doing more than you should.
You think, “If I don’t do it, who will?” And before you know it, your own needs, your own feelings get pushed to the side. You become so used to overextending that it feels normal—even though it’s slowly draining you.
And here’s the part no one talks about: you’re not just doing it out of pure kindness. There’s a quiet, unspoken hope sitting underneath it all. You hope that if you keep giving, one day, someone will look at you and say, “I see you. I choose you. You don’t have to try so hard anymore.” You crave that moment when someone meets you with the same energy, where love flows back to you just as naturally as you give it.
But most people? They don’t even realize that’s what you’re waiting for. Because you’ve made it so easy for them not to. You never ask, you never demand. You just keep pouring from a cup that’s been empty for a while now. And eventually, you start feeling resentful, exhausted, wondering why no one shows up for you the way you show up for them.
The hard truth? This cycle won’t stop until you stop. Not because you don’t deserve love or care but because you were never meant to earn it this way. You’re not here to fix everyone. You’re not here to be the glue holding things and people together at the cost of yourself.
You deserve relationships where you’re loved for who you are, not what you can do for someone. You deserve spaces where you can breathe, rest, and be met with the same depth you offer so easily. Where you don’t have to overextend just to feel seen.
And I know it’s hard to unlearn this. It’s terrifying, honestly, because stepping back feels like risking everything you’ve ever known about connection. But here’s what I’ve learned: you don’t lose people who are meant for you by having boundaries. You lose the ones who were only there for what you gave, not for who you are.
So maybe it’s time to choose yourself. To stop fixing what isn’t yours to fix. To give, but not at the cost of emptying yourself. And trust—trust that the right people, the ones who truly see you, won’t need fixing. They’ll meet you exactly where you are.
And if you’re wondering: Where do I even start? How do I unlearn years of being the fixer, the over-giver? Then here are a few things for you to ponder upon:
What are you really seeking when you over-give?
Is it love? Validation? A sense of belonging? Start getting honest with yourself about what you’re hoping to receive every time you show up beyond your capacity. Because until you see what’s driving you, you’ll keep running on autopilot giving, fixing, rescuing without really understanding why.
What would it feel like to let someone else carry their own stuff?
I know, it sounds impossible, maybe even cruel. But ask yourself: what if you trusted that the people you care about are capable of handling their own emotions, their own healing? What if it’s not your job to save them, but to walk beside them? There’s so much relief in realizing that you don’t have to be the hero every time.
Are your relationships truly balanced, or are you the only one holding the weight?
Take a hard, honest look: do you feel safe to lean back sometimes? To be held? Or are you always the one holding space, solving problems, smoothing things over? Because the relationships that nourish you will never ask you to break yourself just to keep them going.
What would change if you believed you are enough without proving it through what you give?
Sit with this. Let it land. You don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to perform worthiness. You are already enough just as you are. And the moment you start embodying that, the way you show up in relationships changes. You give from overflow, not from lack. You love without losing yourself.
Where do you need to set a boundary, even if it feels uncomfortable?
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re clarity. They tell people how to love you better. And yes, setting them might feel terrifying at first because you’ve always equated giving with connection. But trust me, the right people won’t leave. They’ll respect you more for it.
And yes, this work isn’t easy. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion! But little by little, you start to reclaim pieces of yourself that you gave away too freely. You start feeling lighter, clearer.
And eventually, you stop living in this constant state of emotional exhaustion because you’ve finally learned the most important thing:
You’re allowed to love people without fixing them.
You’re allowed to give without emptying yourself.
You’re allowed to choose you—every single time.
And the relationships that are meant for you? They’ll still be there. Meeting you, loving you, exactly as you are.
“I don’t fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay
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