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The doctor stood at my husband’s bedside. I was at the foot of the bed with the cardiac care nurse close by.
It was time to get the results of the cardiac MRI that had taken place the day before.
The heart specialist looked at my husband with a serious expression. “Your heart is not healthy. In fact, there is a section that is not viable. It is dead. There is no possibility of a bypass operation to cure your heart. You will always have a heart that is not completely healthy.”
I had known this news was a possibility. However, hearing the words spoken so definitely was a shock. We had been waiting for months to get tests done, and now it seemed as though there was only bleakness and illness in our future.
The doctor left after telling my husband he was okay to go home. We looked at each other in silence. What now?
The nurse was a rock of strength for us. She prepared us for discharge and gave details for follow-up clinic appointments. We would not be left alone on this journey ahead of us. She reminded us that my husband would get stronger with his medications, exercise, and a healthy diet. And, of course, it would take time and commitment.
It is now five months since that day. My husband’s heart is getting stronger. He walks on hilly trails, cycles, and goes to the gym for weight training. He takes his medications and monitors his blood pressure and pulse regularly. I am proud of his devotion to his health, and I am confident that he will continue to thrive both physically and emotionally.
This has been a challenging time for both of us. With my background in nursing, I often imagined the worst and felt fearful and discouraged. My husband was able to focus on what was going well, and be patient with what seemed to be slow progress. Often he was the one encouraging me to look at the positive steps that were happening. He recently saw his cardiologist and was told he was stable and no longer needed the close supervision of the heart function clinic.
I met my husband for a special coffee the afternoon after his appointment. We lifted our cups in celebration and thanksgiving. He declared that he is not a victim of his ill health. He is a survivor who has chosen to do all he can to thrive in life. I am inspired by his statement and want to take this approach for myself. I may not have been physically ill, however, my emotional health was impacted. I still feel weary and depleted. With rest and support, I will choose to thrive each day.
What type of support has helped us throughout this time?
What healing has happened?
When is healing completed? Or is it an ongoing upward spiral of growth that doesn’t have a specific point of completion?
Does healing happen only when there is a community of support?
My husband’s physical health was supported by the medical team and the treatments they offered. He is stronger because of their expertise and knowledge. At the same time, he needed to be an active partner in his healing journey. He saw himself as a man who could overcome the victim stance of heart disease. He accepted what his situation was and focused on what he had control over. He met for lunch with golfing friends who cheered him on. Our children and grandchildren also took an interest in his health. Their love and care continue to be an integral part of his ongoing healing. He continues to heal, both emotionally and physically, as he chooses to do what he can to overcome his health challenges. It is a combination of healing in supportive community and his own determination to regain his strength.
What does healing look like for me?
I was struck by a statement about healing that a friend shared with me over lunch one day. We were digging into the concepts of healing and community and wondering how they might be connected. She sat quietly for a while and then she said, “If I am waiting to be healed by another person, I am doomed to failure.”
It was my turn to be quiet. What might this mean for me on my healing journey?
We went on to discuss the role of a person to whom I might go to for help. Their place is to come alongside and witness my experience. As they listen and hold space for my vulnerability and courageous sharing, they help me see healing as a gift of grace. It is up to me to choose to be liberated from my suffering mindset and take responsibility for a new perspective. No one else can do that for me.
This also means that I create spaces of healing and community for myself.
I find healing in Nature. As I walk alone in the forest, my heart softens and the presence of trees calms my breathing and brings me a sense of peace. There is comfort and steadfast love in the moss-covered tree that I stop to hug. The trail is an invitation to commune with the new spring growth and to gaze at the vast sky.
Music, painting, and writing are also part of my community of healing. I am learning to enjoy my own company. I want to take responsibility for my healing journey, and trust in my Wise Woman, that inner voice that is my true guide. I am nurturing my health and being gentle with myself. When I feel overwhelmed with tasks, I remind myself that most of them can wait until I am ready emotionally and physically. Naps and daytime bubble baths have become a regular occurrence for me.
Community happens when I am vulnerable, courageous, and willing to ask for help. Community is a flow of love. When I am willing to receive from others, I give them the gift of being able to help me. I share my heart with a trusted friend and I am touched and moved by the love coming my way. My therapist has been part of my healing journey for several years. She gives me tools that help me to view myself as capable and able to move through this challenging time.
Healing is a life journey that reminds me of a hiking trail with switch backs and lookouts that offer beautiful vistas and rest. I want to accept the pace as part of my experience. There is a sacred timing to all of it. Sometimes I am in the company of others and at times I carry on alone. I am grateful for all of it.
I know that my husband and I will continue to find community in our relationship as we heal from the ups and downs of the past months. The future is uncertain. We are embracing each day with gratitude and joy as we walk together, plan delicious meals, and spend time with our family and friends.
You may be experiencing a time of overwhelm and discouragement as well. I encourage you to seek support from your community, and from within your own self. Healing is possible and you are not alone. I am here to remind you of your courage and inner wisdom.
Thank you for witnessing me on my journey to receive healing as a gift of grace.
~
author: Marjorie Warkentin
Image: Author's Own
Editor: Lisa Erickson
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