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A friend recently said something that really piqued my interest, and it has made me think and reflect over the past few weeks.
They said, “I’d really like to chat to you one day about love, as I’ve always thought naively that we all love in the same way, and now I’m questioning that.”
Love, being one of my favourite topics and things to analyse, I thought I needed to write an article.
I don’t believe we all experience love in the same way. In fact, I believe each love we encounter is different. Not necessarily better, or worse, more, or less, just different.
I can say in all honesty, I have been in love three times in my life. My first love was that teenage love, with all its angst and drama. The love that comes in when you don’t have the emotional skills or life experience to really understand or navigate it. It’s clumsy. It’s messy. It so often comes with our first sexual encounter, which we are usually far from ready for, as we fumble around awkwardly, hoping we get it right. We are exploring and discovering who we are, in an adult world, when we are far from being adults.
It’s the love we so innocently believe will be forever. You know, the white picket fence fairy tale we are sold. The happily ever after. The white dress and church organ. When in reality, more often than not, our teenage love comes crashing down around us at some point leaving us heartbroken. But it teaches us some incredible lessons. Well, hopefully it does.
My second love lasted nearly 30 years. It “was” the white picket fence. The white dress and church organ. The almost happily ever after, until it wasn’t. It was the love we grow up in. The one where we settle and perhaps have kids. It was my dream. My forever. It was building a home and raising the kids. Creating a family and the life I always thought I wanted. It was the big wedding and the joint accounts. It was happiness. Sadness. Joy. Grief. It was being in the trenches, dealing with all life had to throw at us. It was family holidays and spoiling the kids at Christmas.
It was everything and sometimes it was nothing. It was friendship. It was comfortable. From the outside it was perfect. But on the inside, I was lost. Disconnected. And in the end, my happily ever after needed a new direction. A different path. But that does not discount this profound love that gave me some beautiful years and my two precious babies.
My third love came out of nowhere. It was unexpected. Deeply passionate. Captivating me with an energy and chemistry I still cannot fathom. It was intense. He was younger and that bothered me. But his more youthful years did not diminish his attraction to me. It was like an addiction. His heat and desire was only dampened by his jealousies, which became bigger the more our relationship grew. We shared stories. We shared secrets. We shared humour. We shared intellect. We shared a love more beautiful, complicated, and chaotic than either of us was ready for.
We shared every inch of our bodies. And we shared a connection on every level that was both exhilarating and terrifying. But in the end, it was more unhealthy than it was healthy. More controlling than freeing. More painful than joyful. But this love became my catalyst for huge life changes. The lessons deep and powerful, in many ways like the love it was, with all its magical moments and piercing broken shards.
All three loves had their beauty and their ugliness. Their happiness and their sadness. Their pleasure and their pain. Each were different. Each version of me was different. The way I loved was different and the way I was loved was different.
We are all unique human beings and our beliefs and perspectives are formed through the lens of our own experiences and childhood. Some love is a gorgeous expression of healthy communication, respect, equality, purpose, and passion. Some love is not. Some love is unhealthy. It’s co-dependent. It’s fear-driven. It’s trauma bonded. It’s everything it shouldn’t be. We can learn from both. We need to learn from both because even the healthy love doesn’t always last, but if we’re lucky, we grow and discover who we are.
This is my version of love:
>> Trust: trusting that we can share anything and everything in an emotionally safe space.
>> Vulnerability: being vulnerable enough to speak our truth and share what’s going on inside of us.
>> Humour: a quick wit, a little sarcasm, and a healthy dose of regular laughter.
>> Openness: open hearts and open minds. A willingness to learn and grow. Knowing that change is not only inevitable, but it’s also necessary.
>> Friendship: not any ordinary friendship but friendship on fire.
>> Respect: for our differences and our individuality. For who we are and where we are headed.
>> Passion: passionate in life and about each other. Passionate minds, hearts, souls, and bodies.
>> Appreciation: an appreciation of each other. Our achievements. Our goals. Our stories.
>> Communication: meeting each other where we are at. Listening and talking, compassionately, with genuine care, kindness, and interest.
>> Energy: an energetic connection. It’s not a choice or something you can create. It just is. We are drawn to certain people and when it happens, we can feel it in our core.
>> Attraction: like energy this isn’t something we choose. We are attracted intellectually. Emotionally. Physically. And when we’re really lucky, it’s all three.
>> Chemistry: again not something we can control. There’s either chemistry or there’s not. It can wane and sometimes it comes back, but not always. Relationships are hard once chemistry has left the building.
>> Adventure: there needs to be fun. Excitement. An element of freedom.
>> Creativity: I personally love a creative mind. Someone who is in pursuit of their creative passions. Be it words. Art. Music. Cooking. A creative mind is is an alive mind. An expressive mind.
>> Great Sex: this can only come with a deep intimacy. With trust and vulnerability. Red-hot desire that touches your soul, along with every cell of your being.
It needs to feel like the comfort of a hot water bottle warming your back on a chilly night. The freshness of the ocean as it whips around your near-naked body, making you all at once feel alive. The sun on your shoulders, radiating the heat through your chest, bringing you into the present moment. The satisfaction your belly feels after a good meal. The tingle you feel after a glass or two of wine. The exhaustion and accomplishment you feel after a hard workout. The intrigue of the words dancing off the page of your favourite book. The anticipation when your eyes meet from across the room. The curiosity of discovering something new. The familiar pang of nostalgia. The wonder of travel. The excitement of new destinations. The feeling of home.
It needs to feel all-encompassing, yet relaxed and unbothered. Talkative and quiet. A little bit of everything and a little bit of nothing.
I’ve been fortunate enough to experience all of these, on varying levels. And there have been times I’ve wondered if I’ll experience them again. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve been blessed and these three relationships have led me to this point. A point where I’ve met self-love. I’ve befriended self-belief. I’ve danced with self-worth. And I’ve slowly unwrapped the extraordinary value of me. I have a table and it’s full of the goodies I bring. And whether or not someone wants to join me is a non-issue, because the table is overflowing. There is room for love, but it’s something I never search for.
I’m both a pragmatist and a romantic. The life of the party and a wallflower. A clean heart and a dirty mind. A thinker and a doer. Someone to laugh with and someone to cry with. Someone who has f*cked up and someone who has learnt the lessons to teach others. Someone who is confined and someone who is wildly free. Someone who loves to hike all day in nature and someone who loves to laze all day in bed. A lover of people and a lover of solitude. Someone with a quiet demeanour and a burning desire. Someone who is afraid of getting hurt but unafraid of loving hard. A walking contradiction. An enigma of sorts.
And when someone finds the enigma fascinating, sparks will fly.
I believe healthy love is likeminded. And like attracts like. It’s a gift, but I don’t believe our individual experience of love is the same. Sometimes there are butterflies. And an urge to rip their clothes off. And sometimes there’s a quiet calm. A subtle bubbling of wanting to know someone better. To be closer to them. To be in their energy field. To talk to them and listen to them. To learn about them. To brush past them so there’s the slightest of touches. And sometimes these things grow. You water each other and they grow. And whilst each of you feel good and love develops, our love is distinctive to us. It’s a shared love yes, but we will each feel it a little differently, because it’s through our own life lens.
And how remarkable in a world of over eight billion people, we all feel the sensations of love in our own unique way. We all interpret the spoken word in a slightly different manner. We all feel that pull of attraction in our own original way.
Because we do indeed love differently. It’s taken me a good many years to understand this. Your love and my love may look the same on the outside, but I’ll guarantee it’s different on the inside.
“Always keep in mind, you and the person you are in a relationship with came from different experiences and different examples of love.” ~ Bunny Michael
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