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Failing sucks.
It triggers many feelings that are hard to deal with. We feel shame. We feel incompetent. We feel as if life is personally attacking us.
Unlike success, failure sticks with us. Although success brings undeniable joy and pride, the negative emotions that failure activates within us can be intense—that’s why we tend to memorize them more than positive emotions.
Their intensity impacts every single thing we say and do. We wear the cloak of shame, creating false mental impressions that don’t align with our reality.
I have personal experience with this. Honestly, I’ve lost count of how many different failures I’ve experienced. I lost jobs, relationships, and places. I started projects that didn’t turn out as planned. I failed some people, and some people failed me. I was rejected. I was disappointed. I had many setbacks that almost broke me.
But, at some point, I had to redefine failure and its effects on my mental and emotional health. I was a prisoner of my own mind, and I wanted to break free—once and for all.
Buddhism has always helped me to overcome setbacks and actively manage my challenges. When I fail, I no longer withdraw from the world; I go all in and commit to inner peace.
To reduce the impact of failure, I now put these four Buddhist strategies into action:
1. Understand the nature of my expectations. To rewrite my story, I have to reframe the truth. Maybe things didn’t turn out as “I” wanted. Failure may be another word for “rebirth,” and if it weren’t for my high expectations, I would have accepted the outcome. To pick myself back up, I understand that my unrealistic expectations may have helped with the inevitable fall. So, I lower my expectations and drop any assumptions that may be false or misleading.
2. Focus on feelings instead of labels. When I fail, I tend to label myself falsely, creating further suffering and wrong defining traits. Instead of accusing myself and attributing negative traits that may not be true, I focus on how I feel. Whatever happens—no matter how disappointing it is—doesn’t define me. I’m not a failure; I’m just in pain. I’m hurting. I’m disappointed. I focus on my present emotions, instead of creating stories in my mind that disconnect me from myself.
3. Feel the feelings. I have failed. Great. Now is the time to notice where I’m stuck and what’s stopping me from leaning into my pain. I have to feel it all without trying to change how I feel. Failure is okay, but the truth is I’m not okay with it. This quote by Pema Chödrön explains it perfectly, “If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.”
4. Accept failure. Failing is a part of life. I can’t avoid it, and I can’t keep living as if it won’t happen again. I may fail again and again, and it’s my job to accept it. But accepting it doesn’t mean it’s okay to fear it. In Buddhism, courage means embracing the reality of things and cultivating compassion (toward ourselves and the world) to overcome obstacles. We must find the courage to accept the constant reappearance of failure while focusing on making choices instead of getting stuck in the why.
Most importantly, I understand that my happiness is not tied to how things should be in my life. Things may not always be pretty, but they serve a purpose nonetheless.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Lena Glukhova/Pexels
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