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Loss is awful.
Be it the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, losing something or someone turns our world upside down.
Two weeks ago, my husband lost his business to a fire. The physical and financial losses are severe; the emotional ones are far greater.
Although we are rebuilding the place, we are left with emotional wounds that won’t heal anytime soon.
Pep talks have briefly made us feel better. Our community has been incredibly supportive and loving, and we will be forever thankful to every person who has stood by us.
I have said many beautiful things to myself and to my husband to comfort our aching hearts…but the only phrase that has reframed our experience is this:
“This loss is real.”
The first few days, we were in total shock. We couldn’t process what had happened, and there weren’t any words to express the grief that filled our hearts.
Then came denial. It was huge. We imagined how it could have played out differently if we were better prepared. The never-ending what-ifs occupied our minds and kept us stuck in a painful loop.
We rejected our hurtful reality to protect ourselves from the scary emotions that would overwhelm us. We had thought that blaming someone or something could make us feel better…we were only feeling worse.
Looking for the whys wasn’t helpful and was wasting our energy. In fact, it was aggravating our unpleasant situation and increasing our anxiety. A few days later, fighting our reality stopped working for us. To start acting, we had to stop resisting.
Admitting that our loss is real has allowed us to feel everything—the anger, the sadness, the grief. Staying present with our discomfort has actually opened our hearts.
Accepting awful situations doesn’t erase their awfulness. We can still acknowledge the messy and the ugly, but we can also see the good. Radical acceptance is not defeat; it’s bravery. It takes a whole lot of courage to say, “Okay, it is what it is now. This pain is real. This loss is real.”
Painful emotions may be scary, but they are a source of wisdom if we lean into them and allow them to show us the way. When we give ourselves permission to feel the discomfort, we can focus on where the discomfort is instead of why the discomfort is there.
That’s how we become one with the loss. We don’t fight it or treat it as something bad that we need to ignore or defeat. The loss, then, becomes a normal part of our life that we embrace and acknowledge.
The grief will always be there, but we will let it pass through us as we rebuild and create a new place—a new reality. All we need to stay on track is permission.
Permitting ourselves to feel any emotion that arises without labels is the only way to adapt to a new routine that may be slightly different than before.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: giuliajrosa/Instagram
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