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When someone has hurt us, consciously
or unconsciously, one of the most difficult things we have to face in
resolving the situation is the act of forgiveness. Sometimes it feels
like it’s easier not to forgive. We may think the best answer is to
simply cut the person who hurt us out of our lives. In some cases, ending
the relationship may be the right thing to do, but even in that case, we
will be free only if we have truly forgiven. If we harbor bitterness in
our hearts against anyone, we only hurt ourselves because we are the ones
harboring the bitterness. Choosing to forgive is choosing to alleviate
ourselves of that burden — to be free of the past and no longer perceive
ourselves as victims.
One of the reasons that forgiveness can
be so challenging is that we feel we are condoning the actions of the
person who caused our suffering, but this is a misunderstanding of what
is required. In order to forgive, we simply need to get to a place where
we are ready to stop identifying ourselves with that suffering.
Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, and our forgiveness of
others is an extension of our readiness to let go of our own pain.
Getting to this point begins with fully accepting what has happened.
Through this acceptance, we allow ourselves to feel and process our
emotions.
It can be helpful to articulate our
feelings in writing over a period of days or even weeks. As we allow
ourselves to say what we need to say and ask for what we need to heal, we
will find that this changes each day. It may be confusing, but it is a
sign of progress. At times, we may feel as if we are slogging uphill
through dense mud and thick trees, getting nowhere. If we keep going,
however, we will reach a summit and see clearly that we are finally free
of the past.
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