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While growing up, I often thought in terms of good and bad.
People could be good or bad. Situations could be good or bad. Even I was labeled as good or bad multiple times—at school, in university, within the community, by friends, and by family. This wasn’t a new concept; it was a fundamental part of my worldview.
For 30 years, I applied this belief to everything: that person is good, that person is bad, this situation is good, that situation is bad. He is unfair to me; he is fair to me.
When I started learning about conscious parenting, I still remember one class with my teacher, Dr. Shefali. She said, “There is no good or bad. It just is.” What? I didn’t get it. She repeated, “There is no good. There is no bad. It is as it is.” What does that mean? I literally couldn’t understand her simple statement. So, I asked her, what does it mean?
She further elaborated, “Imagine a farmer on one side of the street, waiting and praying for rain. Across the street, there is a woman wearing her beautiful wedding dress, hoping it doesn’t rain. Now, rain comes. The farmer, who was praying for rain, is the happiest person in that moment. The woman, who was hoping for a dry day, is one of the saddest people at that moment. The same rain became a blessing for one and a curse for another.”
She then asked me, “What do you think rain is? Good or bad?” I was clueless. “Rain is rain,” I said. “How can I say rain is good or rain is bad? Rain is just rain.” “Yes,” she said. “That’s what I was trying to explain. It is as it is. It’s not good or bad. It just is.”
Things can be good for one person and bad for another. Things are just things; people are just people. The only thing that makes them good or bad is the way we perceive them. That moment was profound for me. I told her, “Yes, I get it.” But honestly, it took many nights to truly understand the deeper meaning of this concept.
The idea that there is nothing inherently good or bad made me reflect on my life. I recalled labeling my brother, sister, parents, husband, child, and even myself as good or bad. I questioned why we do this and why nobody taught us otherwise. The answer is that many of us simply don’t know this concept. But why does this happen? Why do we label things, people, and situations as good or bad?
I realized that, especially in the case of my relationships, whenever people did things that matched my wants, likes, or expectations, they were amazing to me. The moment they did something I didn’t like or want, they were bad. My brother, my sister, my partner has been the same person for years, and my parents will hopefully remain the same. But my expectations change my perception of them.
I remember an incident with my brother. I asked him to book a ticket for me, and he forgot—not just once, but repeatedly. I labeled him as careless and unreliable. Yet, another time, he delivered something to me before I even asked, and I praised him as amazing. My brother is my brother, whether he meets my expectations or not. The gap between reality and our expectations is what creates the perception of good or bad.
This expectation gap is often the source of conflicts in relationships. We expect so much from others, from life, and from every given moment. When reality doesn’t meet our expectations, we see things as bad. When it does, we see things as good. But reality and expectations often don’t align.
In my conscious parenting journey, I learned that in every given moment, we have three choices: Accept, Change, or Leave (ACL).
If you can accept things without naming and shaming, that’s the hardest but most powerful choice. If you can’t accept, try to change—either change the other person (though this is rare) or change yourself and your expectations. If neither acceptance nor change is possible, leave the situation or relationship without blame or shame.
I’m not saying this is easy. When I learned this, I consciously started paying attention to my thoughts and words. I reminded myself again and again: there is no good or bad. I put sticky notes around my house with this mantra and taught it to my son as well.
One day, his teacher called him a good boy in class. He raised his hand and said, “Dear teacher, my mom told me there is no good or bad. Things just are.” Everyone laughed, including him, because while the concept is profound, it’s also hard to grasp at first.
If, like me before, you label your child, spouse, parents, siblings, or friends as good or bad, stop. They are who they are. We have different expectations of them, of life, and of each moment. We have little or no control or power over others, but we have all the power to change ourselves.
Change your perspective and see how it transforms your life.
Thanks for reading.
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