Have you heard the viral TikTok song of the summer in which Megan Boni declares: “I’m looking for a man in finance with a trust fund, 6’5”, blue eyes.”
That’s a comedically specific “type.” Breaking down the available data, perhaps TWO single men in the U.S. meet her criteria. This is all for fun, of course, but like all good comedy, it has a kernel of truth. Check out these quick-bite bios found on a dating site:
Tall, avid cyclist, loves stand-up comedy.
Blonde, from the East Coast, loves cooking.
From London, currently in NYC, devoted plant parent
They’re short, to the point, and share enough to pique someone’s interest. This approach might work when you’re scrolling through Netflix to find the next show you want to binge, but taglines as a means to meet a love match? That’s… complicated.
It’s no wonder that the state of modern dating is leaving so many jaded, disappointed, and, at the worst, heartbroken and hopeless. Add to that that so many people are working from home post-COVID, removing a larger sense of community, naturally meeting a real partner now feels on par with winning the lottery.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yes, I know, it’s awful, but what am I supposed to do?”
My answer would be: try contra-dating.
Contra-dating is a refreshing and transformative approach that flips the script on conventional dating practices with one key directive: be open to dating outside your “type.”
We all have a vision of our ideal partner. They’re a blend of all the physical attributes we find attractive: successful, smart, nurturing, a great sense of humor, sensitive, caring, loyal… the list goes on. And by the way, that’s the kind of list I can get behind. Weeding out prospects based on wealth, specific height, eye color and personal style choices may mean you dismiss Mr. or Ms. Right before ever giving them a shot. While it is very valuable to be clear on what you want and what expectations you have, it’s just as valuable to understand your illusions. The first one is that no one person can check off this exhaustive list.
Now, I’m not saying toss the list out, nor am I saying that your ideal partner doesn’t exist. But, if dating has become a struggle, contra-dating might be an interesting answer.
Going on a date with someone that you might not consider a romantic prospect challenges the idea that dating is a means to an end, such as securing a long-term partner or fulfilling societal norms. It’s pretty difficult to experience a natural bloom of affection when you’re spending the first hour assessing whether this one is “the one.” That’s not fun for anyone! Instead, it becomes an opportunity to connect with others on a deeper level, learn about yourself, and practice being open to something new.
This doesn’t have to be something to obsess over, and of course, you want to spend time with people that you have some kind of interest in. For example, let’s say that you would list The Notebook as your favorite movie, and an ideal date would be a beach picnic. A perfect contra-date experience would be with someone who invites you to a lecture series on psychics followed by craft beers and arcade games. If you prefer the quiet type, give the extrovert a chance. It’s not where you imagine you’d find your soulmate, but that’s the entire point.
I’ve told the story of meeting my husband so many times, and while contra-dating didn’t exist at that time, I certainly wouldn’t have categorized Michael as my “type.” The way we each enjoyed being on a beach in Mexico said it all. I was luxuriating in the sun and taking in the splendor of all the activity around me. And there was Michael, uncomfortable and miserable, studying an ancient text in Aramaic in the heat, desperately trying to cover his entire body, including his head, with a towel.
Remember what I said about illusions? When we understand what illusions we might have— “a partner who is X is going to make me happy,” “if only she were more Y then our lives would be perfect”—we can practice letting them go and being open. Our five senses only allow us to see what is materially around us. Had I relied only on what my five senses reported to me that day, I would never had the chance to see just how much we actually had in common and, more importantly, how happy we would make each other.
Luckily, I didn’t. And I have been married to my soulmate for over 27 years.
Staying open and curious is a recipe not just for a fulfilling and ultimately successful dating experience but also for a fulfilling life. When we step outside of our comfort zone, we say yes to personal transformation and yes to being open to all the beauty life has to offer us. Contra-dating is one way that you can do this, but the principles within it apply to many other areas of life.
If you prefer quiet jazz, spend an evening out at a rock show.
If you love dance clubs, change it up with a candlelight yoga class.
If you usually go left, try right today.
Maybe you’ll hate it, but maybe you’ll also discover something—or someone—you love.
Contra-dating offers a refreshing alternative to the stressful and often superficial world of modern dating. By prioritizing authenticity, self-awareness, and meaningful connections, contra-dating empowers individuals to create relationships that are not only fulfilling but also aligned with their true selves. In a world where the pressure to conform can be overwhelming, contra-dating invites us to take a chance, remove the pressure, and redefine what it means to connect with another person.
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