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Rituals are the pulse-takers of a relationship.
They are wonderful ways of loving each other every day, but they are also information.
When they are consistent and unfailing, they create a sense of security that we don’t pay much attention to until someone omits one. Suddenly, that little ritual, or lack of it rather, speaks volumes about what’s going on between us.
Every relationship has rituals. It’s the little things we do, and do consistently, for the people we love and live with. We do them daily and usually in the exact same way. Without consciously knowing it, people come to expect them. We rely on these little reinforcements reassuring us that the connection is steady and solid.
>> Thanking the other person for the meal they prepared
>> Kissing and hugging goodbye when you leave for work
>> Saying goodnight and I love you before bed
>> Inquiring about the other person’s day when you sit down at dinner
>> Responding to the memes the person sent you
Yesterday, my husband left for work without kissing me goodbye. One minute, I was in my office listening to him make coffee in the kitchen. Ten minutes later when I emerged, he was gone. It was so out of the ordinary. I checked the garage, and the car was gone, too. What happened? Had I done something to upset him? As I replayed the previous hour, I couldn’t think of anything. So, what gives? When the ritual of our goodbye kiss is skipped, it usually means something is wrong.
Every once in a while, something random happens and there’s nothing actually wrong. My husband wasn’t mad at me; he thought I was on a call with a client—after all, my office door had been closed. It still caught me off guard because I’m so used to that reliable goodbye kiss.
What I find to be more common is that we intentionally omit the ritual. This happens most often when we’re in the midst of conflict. Just when people feel the most nervous, anxious, and uneasy, and probably need reassurance more than ever, we skip it. It makes sense—who wants to kiss someone who just hurt your feelings or respond to a meme when they pissed you off an hour ago?
I am guilty of ritual interruption when I’m upset before bed. The last thing I want to do is tell the person goodnight, something I normally do without fail every day. I’ve done it with mean intentions: you hurt me so now I’m going to hurt you by icing you out. I’ve done it with good intentions: I don’t want to make this situation worse by saying something I can’t take back. I’ve done it because I’m not ready to talk so I’d rather not engage and then unfairly walk away. I’ve done it because I’m just plain tired.
Most of the time, though, I don’t want to pretend everything is okay when it’s not. The problem with my (lack of) action is that skipping goodnights is basically weaponizing a ritual, whether intended or not. Instead of creating a feeling of relational safety, omitting the ritual introduces anxiety. Something’s wrong.
The other person is left confused. They don’t know if I’m trying to hurt them or protect them. They don’t know if I’m tired or furious. They don’t know if I forgot or if skipping the connection was calculated.
When something is wrong, it’s okay. We don’t have to lie and say we’re fine. We don’t have to pretend. We don’t have to swallow it down and just get over it. We also don’t have to deal with what’s in front of us, if we’re not ready right this second. What happened may be a really important thing that needs resolving. Tomorrow.
Let’s talk about a third option, one that helps a ton with connection and repair, and that is sticking with rituals but communicating our feelings at the same time.
We’re putting a pin in it. This is here between us and we’ll have to deal with it, but for now, I love you, and I’m going to bed.
When we keep our rituals in place, it clears up the confusion. The person gets data. Yes, you still care about them, and also yes, there is something we need to address in a future moment. While it may cause them some anxiety to know a conversation is looming, at least they aren’t left in the dark wondering if you care about them at all.
Every human wants to be loved unconditionally. We all want to believe that even though we screw things up, we will still be accepted and loved. Omitting rituals is like withholding love and sending the message that our love is not a guarantee. When we still connect in the little ways we do every day, even when there is a problem that needs to be worked out, it tells the other person that our love is steady. It can’t be destroyed by conflict. It reassures them that the connection is solid, no matter what. That reduces anxiety and allows people to let down their guard enough to engage in peaceful relationship repair.
It’s not always easy. I have had to get back out of bed to say goodnight when I’m angry and wound up, but the look of relief on the face of my loved ones has always made it worth it, and starting the follow-up conversation has always been easier because of it.
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