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April Fool’s Edition:
Why I’m finally going MAGA. ~ Waylon, founder of Elephant.
Jesus says it’s high-time I’ll go where I’m wanted: the conservative movement.
As I’ve written, lately, or hinted at—well if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Change from within. I want to bring the equity and climate crisis-movements to the MAGA movement from within, because from without, we’re losing.
Hear me out.
Previously, I’ve written about how liberals and particularly progressives just don’t want people who look like me: you know, white men. Even if I’m half-Jewish, all-Buddhist, etc…a cyclist, a vegan, a zero waste lover of our planet and animals…I’m the enemy, at worst—a grudging symbol of patriarchal privilege, at best.
So I’ll go—imagine—where I’m actually wanted: the conservative movement.
Sure, I dislike Trump. He’s a blowhard, a sexual abuser, a likely pedo. His combover makes Cirque de Soleil look like child’s play. Speaking of children…
But, but: he’s making change. And at this point you’re either with him, or against him.
And sure, he’s historically unpopular, but who doesn’t love an underdog? Change is always going to unsettle the masses, the sheepadoodles, the institutions, The Man. And who better to have in office, for all his lies and hate and division, than The Greedy Bankruptcy Man in the seat of The Civil Servant/Politician Man? Because if you know how to bankrupt a casino or two, or how to evade paying the middle class contractors working on your ugly buildings, or how to tear down historic architecture and ask for forgiveness instead of permission…well you’re a stable genius in the mold of a Zuckerberg, a Musk, a Theil, any Billionaire who’d rather move fast and break things than move mindfully and help people. And that’s the kind of bold macho draft-dodging power we need, because if you’re gonna serve in the military, instead of just deploy it, you’re a sucker in my (his) book.
Speaking of books, he didn’t write his, and honestly that’s just lazy, but laziness is father of invention. He hasn’t read The Book, or listened to Elvis, but he has taken a dementia test or five and called them cognitive tests, he has put his Vice President in harm’s way and refused to call in the law and order, he has refused to apologize and that is a kind of genius in an age of Clintons and Gores and Kerrys and Clintons who bent over backward to do the right thing, failed, and (eventually) apologized when they messed up or were caught in a half-truth. That’s weakness, and we’re sick of it.
Lie away! Because it’s not about how you get there, but where you’re going. And look where we are now, thanks to The Don! We’ve never been so divided or in debt or at war, racists and extremists are emboldened, the planet is overheating and getting worse, fast…but you have to break some eggs to make an omelette.
That said, wish he wouldn’t tear down the White House, put more of our money into ICE than most countries’ entire militaries, gut our science and pandemic-preparedness and health care and policy…but honestly his work with RFK, say, in getting rid of dandelion-killing poison, which is not something they’ve actually done, makes up for most of it.
Plus he took over Venezuela for his Big Oil buddies (which, admit it, is something Bush only dreamed of doing) and now he’s taking over Iran, boom, and next up Cuba or Greenland in a peaceful way, or not…he’s doing things daily that no other President could even imagine.
And even if he killed funding the border and immigration efforts a few years back so he could run on the problem instead of supporting a solution, he’s created a private army without training or ethics that can actually get stuff done. ‘Cause you’re not going to be an effective warmaker fighter as Hegseth puts it if your [sic] stuck in “oh is this okay to do or not!?” woke land.
Woke, woke, it’s a joke. And so is affordability, which is a hoax, like environmentalism and diversity and education.
The other day, in case you think I’m kidding about all this and think Trump is a conman scumbag wannabe-authoritarian, I was in a non-profit bookstore that teaches literacy to the underprivileged for free and these two white women with colored hair were soooo irritating, talking on and on about privilege and whiteness and diversity. They were just cheerfully gatekeeping anything they could think of. They were frothing at the mouth wanting to cancel things, probably. Those two women are why so many Americans want to toss all the annoying progressive woke women into the same hole we’re gonna bury clean, cheap wind and solar energy in.
By the way, f*ck our Post Office.
F*ck EVs, f*ck privacy (let’s track what Americans post on social media because if it’s critical, that sucks). And f*ck elections, and f*ck clean water, and let’s not go to church on Sunday but say we did, shall we?
Anyways, so, I’m going MAGA. Because who doesn’t want to Make America truly Great Again. I’m gonna stop reading good journalism and supporting independent investigations into the truth by people trained in the craft of finding the truth…
…and start getting my news from Tiktok babes and youtube shorts and instagram stories by white men, and CBS and whatever else Ellison bought up, because he’s on my team now, or I’m on his.
The thing I love about social media that journalism won’t do for me is social media can make me feel better about being the first generation of white man not to be automatically promoted to the top of every social ladder. I mean, growing up in the 90s, I fully expected to be President by now.
So, best case, at least we’re being led by a white supremacist nationalist man of the 80s and 90s, a throwback to a simpler time when you could be racist, and a rapist, and people thought you were tacky but you never got in any trouble. Who doesn’t like a man who’ll grab ’em by the pussy, amirite?
For those of you who feel betrayed, or want to quote me out of context, go for it. Because Team MAGA will cancel you, even if we hate cancel culture, and protect me, and I won’t apologize! Boom! That feels good. And as you liberals sing, it’s okay to change our mind, even if I’m changing rightward, young man. This progressive song reminds us of that all-American ethic. I’ve criticized MAHA a bunch, since they seem more concerned with conspiracies (until they’re proven true, like the Epstein-Trump connections) and chemtrails than actual environmental health or sustainability…but hey, at least we got less PFAS in our newborn baby’s world (more or less).
As for my “relationship” with my wife, she got pretty uppity if we want to be frank, wanting independence and “support” and me to basically wait on her. Nah: the tradwife model gets a lot of hell from feminists with hairy legs and hairy armpits etc, but honestly wearing Christy Dawn, voting RFK/Trump, and actually enjoying my privilege for once while being served by my wife, a woman, for once, sounds pretty good. You know what they say: when you should be privileged, but you’re not, that’s oppression. Something like that anyways.
Also we had a baby girl, darnit, a boy would have been preferable TBH, but I’m not gonna raise a baby girl in an emasculating household run by Hollywood.
So why have I seen the light? Indiana. It’s a red state unlike Colorado, which reeks of pot and hippies. So guns out, real men, and join me. I’ll be holding a bi-monthly but straight backyard firepit beer-drinking men’s group the first Thursday of every Norse-named month, and our wives and babes can serve us chips and burgers and real wcow’s milk in red solo cups, because nothing’s manlier than drinking a mother cow’s milk from her breast meant for a baby cow when you’re a grown man.
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