CoDA Weekly Reading

 

It Works If You Work It and I Am Worth It

On the 12th of February I'll be taking my 2-year chip. When I say I have been on a life altering journey that is putting it mildly and it continues to evolve. Coming into the CoDA program I was at death's door as there was nothing left, not therapy, medications, none of it was "fixing" me. My life had no meaning any longer for me and I wanted out. I was in constant chaotic relationships and friendships, and I also suffered in the workplace – anything that had to deal with another human being. I allowed myself to be both physically and emotionally abused as I had zero self-esteem. 

Sadly, the turning point for me was the traumatic event of losing my mother who was my biggest enabler. We loved one another dearly, but her guilt allowed me to continue with behaviors I created to survive in a dysfunctional childhood well into adulthood. 

When I started Program the first reality check for myself was 
1. I was the common denominator in all my unhappiness. 
2. Understanding my "dark" voice that kept me stuck.

In all my unmanageable relationships I was the person that either kept the relationships thriving or they would come to disastrous endings. I needed people to make me feel better about myself and if they couldn't I would fight, cry, and play the blame game completely losing myself to prove to them I was worthy. It was the voice in my head that put myself down, that made excuses for allowing my pain and suffering. In a nutshell I was the perpetual victim.

CoDA has opened my life to where I'm breathing again because now, I take responsibility for how I'm feeling. I acknowledge what I'm feeling. I sit with it and heal it for myself. I pay attention to my body. I listen to my gut instinct. I no longer require others to dictate how I should feel or think in living my life. I'm honest in letting go of friendships/relationships if it doesn't work for me but I do this now with honesty as I understand better what my triggers are. I was taught early on that my feelings were not important and that I didn't really matter. I spent a lifetime proving to others they needed to love me, to care for me and that they had to agree with me. I also thought I knew what was best for others, consuming myself with their problems. But this always proved detrimental to my wellbeing and theirs. 

Now I take responsibility for my thoughts and actions. I sit with myself. I don't allow my dark voice to be in charge any longer because sadly that dark voice will pull me into unhealthy behaviors at the drop of a hat. I am conscious now that it's up to me to remain healthy.

I have come to understand that I not only like who I am but a huge part of me loves who I am. I understand that I am enough, that I have a right to be here and a right to be happy. It comes down to me as I'm the only one who can make that happen. I no longer allow abusive behaviors. I used to "react" and that was out of fear and shame. 

Understanding that the only person who could save me was "me" was certainly no easy task. In the beginning it was tough because first I had to accept that truth and secondly change my unmanageable behaviors. Nobody was going to do it for me. Certainly not the continual hashing of my problems to another was ever going to save me.

Without Program I could never have managed but hearing the struggles and recoveries of others helped me to get to my next meeting, then meetings weekly. I read, I wrote, I shared. I finally surrendered and became increasingly honest, and then the chains began to break away.

Today in life there will always come challenges, but I continue to work at my emotional sobriety. As with all addictions if I remain around the dark stuff long enough, I can fall right back into it. Program for me is a way of life. Discovering boundaries has been one of the most valuable tools that allows me to continue my journey of healing. I remain forever committed and grateful to the CoDA program.

Brita G. 
02.10.2026