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Emotional dysregulation in relationships is hard.
It’s even harder when both partners experience it simultaneously. Although the reasons or triggers might be completely different, the energy in the room is contagious.
Some people might absorb their partner’s stress more than others. Holding their own space amidst their partner’s emotional roller coaster is not only hard; it’s also draining and confusing.
They tend to lose themselves when they aren’t able to decipher their partner’s emotions. Then, their partner’s struggle becomes theirs. Outbursts might become more frequent, and impulsive behaviors might dominate their relationship.
I strongly believe that our self-worth takes a hit when our partner is emotionally dysregulated. We might take things personally or engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to make up for the empty void that emotional dysregulation creates.
Sadly, we don’t see the damage that happens after we absorb our partner’s emotions. We fail to see our partner, who badly needs emotional support and unconditional presence. We make it about us when, in reality, it’s about empathy.
When one partner is down, the other should be mindful enough to remain stable and offer positive emotional support to the other.
That’s crucial if partners are committed to lifting each other up. They won’t be able to do that, though, if they are both struggling with overwhelming, painful feelings. When the capacity for empathy is low, the capacity for support is low too. Both partners then get stuck in a harmful loop where they keep triggering each other, often unintentionally.
The goal is to maintain connection when one partner feels disconnected. I know how challenging it is to anchor our partner without getting dragged into the stress, but if we don’t, we might cause ruptures in the relationship that aren’t easy to repair.
One of the most common ruptures that happen when the partner who’s supposed to anchor the other withdraws is a loss of trust. Finding a safe space where we can express our ugly emotions freely becomes extremely hard. Instead of trusting that our partner can support or ground us, we start seeing them as a burden.
They’re no longer our safety net, and we’re no longer the same person who used to be okay with not being okay. Now, we’re scared and lonely, and there’s no one to lift us up anymore.
What can we do when our partner is going through a difficult time? We need to find a balance between grounding ourselves and supporting our partner without the need to fix their emotional reality or spiral down with them.
Here’s how to do that:
1. Your partner’s emotions are theirs to manage. When we understand that every person is responsible for their own emotions, we stop feeling the need to fix their perspective or absorb their pain as a form of solidarity. We can offer advice or ask them what they need, but we can’t tell them what to feel.
2. Support; don’t fix. It’s important to validate and really see our partner when they feel down or dysregulated. However, there’s a thin line between offering support and forcing change. We’re not responsible for fixing or controlling our partner. The only thing we can do is guide them, but healing is totally up to them.
3. Focus on self-care. If we want to avoid spiraling deeper together, we should continue focusing on ourselves. Even when our partner is feeling down, we must maintain our self-care routine so we can maintain a stable, positive mindset. We can’t properly support our partner if our own mental health slips through the cracks.
4. Check in; don’t isolate. When we walk away, we tend to spiral down with our partner faster. The easiest, most efficient solution is to keep checking in with our partner about how they feel and how we can offer support. Instead of getting lost in unnecessary thoughts and wrong assumptions, we stay connected and communicate with our partner about what’s really happening.
5. Practice mindfulness. In other words, don’t take things personally. When our partner is struggling with difficult emotions, they might feel more triggered than normal and create pointless conflicts that feel like personal attacks. We must be mindful enough to set clear boundaries and understand that our partner’s current emotional state doesn’t define us or the relationship.
6. Stay empathetic. The most beautiful thing we can offer people who are going through a rough patch is our unconditional empathy. That means opening our hearts to get a glimpse of their painful reality and accepting it as it is. With empathy, we can solve any problem because the problem (mindfully) becomes our own.
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Мария/Pexels
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