(New & Improved!)
Share on bsky
Are you a Cybertruck-driving yuppy-who-looks-like-a-hippie casual-Buddhist MAHA-voting insta-yogi tradwife/regenerative farmer/day trader/nepo baby?
Want everyone to know how holy you are?
Read on!
1. Mala on wrist…never used for actual meditation practice. Doesn’t have a sense of humor if asked about it; starts talking about a workshop/concert/retreat they attended that [vaguely-famous male hero] led and how great it was, and how what he did wasn’t so bad.
2. Tattoo of OM (“it means, you know…’the light inside of you bows to me’”) or anything in Sanskrit that takes long enough to explain that you can impress the casual question-asker over tea in Bali. Or Starbucks.
3. Lululemon/Alo Yoga/Nike/Outdoor Voices etc. toxic plastic yoga pants…made overseas in inhumane working conditions that poison the local river and wildlife…worn to pick up plastic-wrapped granola bars in a plastic bag at “Whole Foods” (Amazon). Also for some reason matcha lattés and a white- and beige- painted house go with this.
4. Live in Boulder, Bloomington, Crestone, Santa Fe, Berkeley, Madison, Lincoln, Lawrence, Brooklyn, Santa Monica, or Venice, Austin, Ashland, Missoula, Asheville, Portland, Seattle, Eugene, Bellingham, Flagstaff; Totnes, Belize, Sayulita, Costa Rica, Bali, India, Tibet, or Fort Lauderdale. Criteria for the list: beautiful, eco-minded, weird towns later populated by tech and/or the wealthy, turning homogenized and boring because rents are too expensive for funky bookstores or artists or service industry or families (or schools).
5. Always walking around with PVC, PFAS plastic yoga mat and saying woo-woo things like “hold space for me” and “what I am hearing you saying is…” and “light-worker” and “good vibes only” instead of practicing maitri, which is hard and vulnerable but sadly doesn’t involve buying anything. Doesn’t get to yoga class, doesn’t meditate, doesn’t read, does pay for lots of factory-farmed meat and dairy while talking about how small farms are good, does have an Amazon Prime account.
6. Loves to get spendy on smoothies or juicing (not good for you, so much sugar, all the fiber’s gone), or dandelion tea or matte lattes in plastic, for-here. Love kombucha, matcha, or chaga, also maxi-microdosing.
7. Email signature includes “injoi” or “all one family” or “Goddess Bless.”
8. Non-sequitur Burning Man references: “The line for the bathroom in Costco was worse than Black Rock City!”
9. TOMS/Birks/Uggs/Hokas/Chacos. Bonus points: barefoot.
10. Dalai Lama or Rumi or Hafiz or Buddha (doesn’t matter which) quote book prominently displayed on toilet; when at café reading Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, Cheryl Strayed, Eckhart Tolle, or, cunningest of all, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism (book held upside-down with unbent spine).
11. Ostentatiously house of cards-like claptrap contraption to put your laptop on that takes up an entire table in a crowded café
12. Vision boards and tarot and a half-dozen other card decks, oh my—tends to blame astrological signs and trauma and their ex for everything: “now if only Mercury can get out of Retrograde and we can have no more eclipses..!”
13. Sage incense; 38 barely-used bottles of essential oils and pills; pottery tray filled with half-burned Palo Santo blocks in office to hide the smell of weed (which is called “medicine.”).
14. Pretty sure they own stock in Dr. Bronner’s (actually a great company, despite all the plastic) and Bragg’s Apple Cider.
15. Comes on to fellow yogis while wearing a really long scarf. Owns three pairs of capris, was part of a “throuple,” thought about creating a subscription-access-only community therapy group.
16. Has at least two social media accounts with profound-sounding names and big plans for their future monetized success…but both have fewer than 200 followers and only four posts on them each. Followthrough is boring. Rails against screentime use, despite occasional bouts of doomscrolling.
17. Loves to use AI to ask everyday questions like “does RFK work for Trump or is human trafficking related to Fauci”—and make AI slop posters for drum circle gathering—while decrying data centers.
18. Always carries a…huge water bottle. This one we approve of as it’s the next best, least wasteful thing to public water fountains.
19. subscribe to elephantjournal.com
20. invites you to Ecstatic Dance and clears your Chakras through movements not unlike the harvesting seaweed off the seafloor; invites you to their current MLM party peddling the next essential oil and/or Miracle Powder and/or CBD infused products and still invites you even when you say no thanks.; is truly the sweetest person and you love them nonetheless.
21. incentive trust fund frustratingly distributes funds only on condition of gainful employment
22. all passwords are meaningful, ie weareone108
23. quotes that may or may not be Rumi or Rupi on Instagram stories
24. 10-punch pass to couple’s colonics conducted to the tune of blue whales singing, which they no longer do due to hot oceans killing krill and starving because of plastic pollution
25. saying “Tribe” to describe any group we’re a part of
26. definitely into tone bowl thingies, sound bath host, “I only play my guitar in A432,”
27. New, self-given name that means peace, holy, enlightened, or oops I forgot to check the meaning first and it’s actually ‘chair’, ‘basket’, ‘heap.’ True story.
28. Owns Electric car or hybrid, SUV, aforementioned princess pickup, or, hell, Cybertruck with retro Co-Exist or newer Follow your Bliss or Good Vibes Only bumper sticker on it. Also crystals mined out of cave wherever, who cares, on altar on the dashboard. Bonus round: Owns a built-out van (you know the Mercedes or somesuch that costs more than homes in the Midwest) with requisite dream catcher hanging from rear-view mirror.
29. expensive bike, not used for transportation though—SUV driving to far flung trails because local trails aren’t good enough
30. goes to all the festivals and becomes a groupie for the big names…
31. Essential oils in lieu of deodorant, cologne, perfume, showering;
32. at various times claims they used to be in a Kirtan or acroyoga band
33. dog named after a something, anything Asian.
34. Is accountable for nothing. Loves the quote “if it is heavy, let it go.”
35. Loves Ayahuasca and Coachella and Shambhala, and had a profound experience in a special power spot in nature once, and will tell you about it.
36. Used to be vegan once but “health reasons.”
37. teaches cacao ceremony, hates cultural appropriation
38. buys book on Amazon, instead of local indie shop, about creating a better world.
39. Spiritual word salad after a drink or two: “as we enter the heightened energetic level of consciousness channeled by angels and spirit…innovative meditation and visualization techniques…ground you as you develop your gifts. Life-changing tools that will transform your neuroses and assist you in advancing your journey to join the ascended masters.”
40. Posts on social about “Stop OBJECTIFYING me!” and “Body positivity is Good!!!” while stuffing said body full of foreign substances. Your body and your choice, but you were beautiful as you were before the plastic surgeon got hold of your lips with a tire pump and you’ll only be beautiful once again when you make friends more fully with your sweet self, as you are, whatever that is.
What’d I forget?
Read 1 comment and reply