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About 1 million Lebanese people have been displaced.
More than 1,600 killed and about 6,000 wounded.
Lebanon is under attack, and as a mom who has high-functioning anxiety, my mind can’t stop thinking.
My body is filled with stress, worry, fear, and sadness, and keeping all my ugly emotions in check when my child is near me is hard.
I have to keep smiling even if I have no reason to smile. I have to play with my 13-month-old son even when I want to curl myself under a blanket and cry. I have to cook for him, feed him, and enjoy my meal even when stress kills my appetite.
I’m envious of his innocence. He feels safe, but I don’t. He is happy, but I’m not. He is playful, but I’m weary.
Small things, like changing his diaper or washing his hands, can trigger something within me so big and hard to manage.
I’m a bundle of mixed emotions right now, and although I can’t possibly share everything that goes through my mind, I just want to highlight how difficult it is to be demented with worry and fear amidst war when you’re a parent.
How am I coping with life at the moment? I’m not. My life is on hold right now and I can’t stop thinking:
I hear the sound of warplanes. Is that a warplane?
I need to prep breakfast.
It’s a warplane. How can I mask the sound? Should I turn on the TV or the kitchen hood?
My son is playing near the glass door. What if it shatters?
My fight-or-flight response is kicking in. I need to stay hydrated and run my hands under cold water.
Am I watching too much news? I think I am.
Can my son sense my stress?
Breathe, Elyane, breathe.
Oh-oh. He’s playing near the glass door again.
I should have a grab-and-go bag packed and ready.
He’s looking at me…I need to fake a smile.
I think I’m going to sleep when he sleeps. My mind could use a little break.
The dogs. Have we fed the dogs today?
Are we safe here?
Should we leave?
What if the airport isn’t safe?
Where do we go?
I need to prep lunch.
I hear bombardements. Or not. Was that my neighbour slamming the door shut?
Is my son going to remember this?
I need to stop thinking.
I can’t stop thinking.
I want to cry.
Am I grateful? I should be grateful.
I need to switch off the news.
I feel guilty. I should have organized more fun activities for my son today.
I need to go out for a walk, but I’m scared. But I’m safe where I am. But what if I’m not? I think I’m going to stay home.
I need to prep dinner.
I should stockpile food.
Was that a warplane?
I should stop worrying. What if stress reduces my milk supply?
Yep, cortisol can dramatically reduce my milk supply.
Can my son sense my sadness when breastfeeding?
I can’t wait to go back to sleep.
The world is a cruel place.
I just want to live in peace.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Author's own
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