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The Hidden You:
What parts of ourselves have we had to hide just to survive?
What needs have gone unmet for so long that it now feels too painful to even acknowledge them?
When we grow up in environments where our needs aren’t met—whether those needs are emotional, physical, or even the basic need for safety—we learn to protect ourselves by hiding those needs. Over time, it becomes easier to disconnect, to numb, rather than face the raw pain of feeling unfulfilled.
So, we create versions of ourselves that don’t need, don’t ask, don’t reach. We tell ourselves we’re fine. That we’re strong, independent, resilient. And while some of that may be true, in reality, these identities are built on a foundation of survival. We shut down the parts of us that still ache to be seen, heard, and loved, burying them deep beneath the surface.
But what if part of the person we’ve become—the one we think we are—is shaped more by what we didn’t get than what we did?
What if our relationship patterns, self-reliance, or even emotional distance aren’t traits we developed naturally, but rather, survival strategies in response to unmet needs so deeply hidden that we no longer even recognize them?
The journey back to ourselves, to our core needs, is one of unraveling these carefully constructed layers. It’s about uncovering the parts of us that have long been suppressed, the needs we have neglected for so long that even thinking about them can feel overwhelming.
It’s scary to start feeling again after years, or even decades, of disconnect.
It’s scary to question the ideas of who we are. Our “identities.”
Let me share a few examples here of identities that mask unfulfilled needs:
1. The Clown/Entertainer:
“I must keep everyone entertained to hide my pain because everyone else is in pain.”
Where it may come from: chaotic or emotionally volatile environments, where humor was used to diffuse tension.
Unmet need: the need to feel safe enough to express vulnerability and receive emotional support.
2. The Independent Person
“I can’t rely on anyone, so I have to do everything myself or I’ll be let down again.”
Where it may come from: emotional neglect or abandonment, where the person learned they couldn’t depend on others.
Unmet need: the need to feel cared for, supported, and trust that others will be there.
3. The Caretaker/People Pleaser
“If I take care of everyone else’s needs, maybe they’ll finally see my worth and love me back.”
Where it may come from: environments where love and approval were conditional, often tied to pleasing others.
Unmet need: the need to feel loved and accepted without having to earn it by sacrificing one’s own needs.
4. The Perfectionist
“If I can just do everything perfectly, no one will criticize me or reject me.”
Where it may come from: highly critical or demanding environments, where mistakes were met with punishment or withdrawal of love.
Unmet need: the need to feel accepted and loved for who they are, imperfections and all.
5. The Controller/Dominator
“I need to control everything around me, or I’ll be vulnerable and someone will hurt me.”
Where it may come from: growing up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, often leading to feelings of powerlessness.
Unmet need: the need to feel safe and trust that they won’t be harmed when things are beyond their control.
6. The Rebel/Non-Conformist
“If I don’t follow the rules or fit in, I can protect myself from being controlled or suffocated.”
Where it may come from: oppressive or rigid environments where autonomy was stifled.
Unmet need: the need for freedom, autonomy, and the ability to express one’s true self without judgment.
7. The Victim
“If I stay in the role of the victim, maybe someone will finally see my pain and protect me.”
Where it may come from: repeated experiences of powerlessness or trauma, where the person was not helped or protected.
Unmet need: the need for validation, protection, and the experience of feeling empowered in their own life.
8. The Withdrawn/Self-Isolated Person
“If I withdraw, no one can hurt me, and I’ll be safe in my own world.”
Where it may come from: environments where emotional or physical safety was at risk, leading to self-isolation as protection.
Unmet need: the need to feel safe in connection with others and experience secure attachment.
It’s terrifying to acknowledge needs that have gone unmet, especially when we have spent so long pretending we didn’t have them in the first place. The fear of wanting what we’ve never received is real. Because to acknowledge those needs is to feel the weight of the grief attached to them—the grief for all the love, safety, and care we didn’t receive. And that grief runs deep.
Deeper than we often realize.
The body becomes the repository for unmet needs, holding onto the grief, sadness, and anger of what was lost.
This is why, in trauma healing, we must hold ourselves with compassion, creating a safe space for the grief, anger, sadness, and all the difficult emotions that arise when we confront our unmet needs. Trauma healing isn’t just about looking forward—it’s about grieving the past. It’s so much about re-parenting and nourishment.
It’s about mourning the love we never received, the safety that wasn’t there, the attention and care that went missing when we needed it most.
But healing is also about opening space for something new. It’s about allowing ourselves to want again, to need again, and—perhaps most frightening of all—to receive.
For many trauma survivors, receiving love or care is one of the most vulnerable, unsettling experiences.
It feels foreign, even unsafe, after years of self-reliance.
Healing is a journey of reclamation—reclaiming the right to feel, to need, and to receive. And within that journey, we’re called to hold space for our grief and wounds, as well as for the profound transformation that begins when we finally acknowledge what we’ve buried for so long.
A Practice to Feel Deeper:
Take a few moments to sit quietly with your body and breathe deeply.
Ask yourself: What part of me feels unmet right now? What am I needing that I may not have allowed myself to feel?
Write down whatever comes up—without judgment, just curiosity. Notice any resistance or discomfort that arises. Notice any pleasure or comfort or memory that arises.
Writing Prompt:
What have I needed but been too afraid to ask for? Can I remember a moment when I stopped asking for it?
What might happen if I allowed myself to open up to that need, even if there’s no guarantee I will receive it?
What identity of mine is a guardian that is protecting a need, which is too painful to feel.
Give yourself permission to explore your answers gently, holding space for the emotions that come up as we uncover the hidden parts of ourselves.
With love,
Sarina
~
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