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“Standing alone is better than being around people who don’t value you.” ~ Unknown.
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There is a real fear of being alone.
And that fear places people in unhealthy situations and keeps people in places they should have left long ago.
There’s a discomfort in being alone for many and they spend their days running from that discomfort. Searching and searching for “that person” who will hopefully make them feel less alone.
Let’s lay the cards straight out on the table. Alone is not necessarily lonely.
I speak to many women who are willing to lower their standards. Who are willing to ignore their intuition and the blinding red flags. Who are willing to lose their boundaries. Tolerate disrespect. Permit toxic behaviour. They allow things that go against their very core. All so they are not alone. All so they can say they have a partner. Regardless of what sort of partner that is.
And let me make it perfectly clear. These women are more lonely than they would ever be if they were alone.
On the flip side, I see some men doing the same thing, but more commonly, jumping from one casual chaotic situation to another. One warm body to the next. Never investing any emotions because they have deep-seated issues that they will never address. Driven by sex because that’s the only way they understand connection. It’s the only thing that brings them any sort of comfort to be less alone.
These men are bitterly lonely, never realising they are f*cking their way through the numbness.
What a mess we are in. In my work, I endeavour to support women in reconnecting to themselves. To resolve unhealthy beliefs and patterns. To help them understand their worth and learn to love themselves. Because only then will they feel fulfilled alone. Only then will they stop attracting the wrong men into their lives. Only then will they be happy.
Yes, there are far worse things than being alone. Let’s take a look:
>> Being with someone who makes you feel more alone than actually being alone.
>> Being with someone who doesn’t align with your values.
>> Being with someone who is unfaithful.
>> Being with someone who doesn’t respect you.
>> Being with someone who treats you as an option.
>> Being with someone you cannot trust.
>> Being with someone who makes you feel worthless.
>> Being with someone who repeatedly lets you down.
>> Being with someone who deliberately crosses your boundaries.
>> Being with someone who doesn’t hear or see you.
>> Being with someone who makes you feel small.
>> Being with someone who makes you feel like you are too much.
>> Being with someone who refuses to commit to you.
>> Being with someone who controls you.
>> Being with someone who abuses you. Physically, sexually, emotionally.
>> Being a person you no longer recognise.
>> Disrespecting yourself to keep the calm.
>> People pleasing to keep the peace.
>> Avoiding confrontation because you’re scared to lose your partner.
>> Distracting yourself with someone to convince yourself you’re not alone.
So, how do we avoid loneliness when we are alone?
>> We do some work on ourselves. And I’m not talking about going to the gym and getting a new hairstyle (although both are helpful). I’m talking about the inner work. The hard stuff we avoid. Recognising your own toxic traits and patterns. Healing your inner child. Doing some shadow work.
>> Find a therapist to support you through this work.
>> Reconnect to yourself. What makes you happy? What do you enjoy? How do you fill your own cup?
>> Build strong connections with family and/or friends. As human beings, we need connection, and that connection does not need to be romantic.
>> Discover what your passions are and do some of those every single day.
>> Prioritise your own needs and learn how to meet those needs.
>> Become the most healthy emotional and energetic version of yourself.
>> Stop chasing things to distract from how you feel. Instead sit with the feelings and recognise what they are.
Believing that something or someone external from ourselves is going to fulfil us is one of the biggest lies we’ve been told. It’s taught us to constantly chase things, even if those things are harmful to us. It’s conditioned us to believe that it’s someone else’s job to bring us happiness. That being alone is not only something to fear but something that we will be judged for. It’s created a false narrative that has us seeking this constant dopamine hit from external validation, even though that validation is often inauthentic and lacks any meaning. It’s not about “once this or that happens we’ll be happy,” but rather when we are happy, better things will come into our lives. Cause and effect, it’s how energy works.
If you only see your worth through the attention from another—I say this with kindness and compassion—you need to do some work on yourself. If your idea of connection is sex, I say this with kindness and compassion, you need to do some work on yourself.
A warm body is simply that, a warm body. Nothing more. Nothing less. Most people can find someone to lie beside them for a few hours, maybe days, maybe a situationship, where one person calls the shots. But does that fill the loneliness cup? I would say in most cases, it causes you to feel more alone. Because it does nothing for your heart or soul. You lose yourself more everytime you seek validation outside of yourself. Bit by bit you are stripped away until you have no idea who you even are. It’s a vicious cycle because the more you seek, the more you lose.
We can never find someone to connect to, fulfil us, or bring us any level of happiness if we have no idea how to gift those things to ourselves.
Yes, there are far worse things than being alone. Love yourself enough to know your worth.
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