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I’m often surprised when “happy” couples break up.
Although the reasons vary greatly, I have realized that the level of satisfaction in a relationship has nothing to do with how good the sex is or how frequent the dates are.
We have long believed that in order to build and maintain a happy relationship we must provide that “happy space” for our partner. Rom-coms, in particular, have fooled us into thinking that couples are responsible for each other’s well-being and don’t stand a chance if they are less than perfect.
I know couples who have stayed together for decades…and aren’t in perfectly happy relationships. Despite the ups and downs that creep up on them every now and then, they often find a way to join forces and save their relationship.
What’s their secret? What do they have that seemingly happy couples don’t?
Love is a complex topic, and I realize that breakups are complicated and somewhat messy. Regardless of how hard we try to dissect or understand what might have happened between people who are separated, we can never know the truth.
Through careful observation, I have simply gained insight into what might cause happy couples to go separate ways and what might keep less than happy couples together. This doesn’t mean, however, that we must stay in toxic or abusive relationships just because we’re still looking for the “secret” to staying together.
From my own experience as well, I have concluded that most of my failed relationships were deeply connected to my state of mind at the time. My own unhappiness had led to many other problems that infected my relationships and brought their demise. Were my past relationships happy? Yes. Was I happy? No.
Seemingly happy couples (might) break up because they aren’t happy with themselves.
A relationship can—and will—make us miserable if we haven’t done the necessary inner work, and often we don’t realize that we are the real problem. Sadly, we might have to go through a few miserable relationships before we can grasp that the stability we have with our partner rests within us.
I’m not suggesting that we become complacent or accept to stay with partners who treat us badly or don’t care about our welfare. Regardless of how we feel right now, we must always meet the standards that have been established in our relationships and the nonnegotiable behaviors that are meaningful to our partner.
Furthermore, it doesn’t mean that every problem in the relationship is because of us. The issue of inner unhappiness impacts both partners, so we need to be careful about when to take the blame and when to hold our partner accountable.
I’m also not suggesting to love ourselves fully before we get into a relationship because sometimes romantic love is the bridge that leads us to self-love.
Being happy with ourselves means:
>> We are confident because a lack of self-worth leads us to doubt our partner’s intentions and actions.
>> We aren’t scared of being rejected or abandoned. In other words, we don’t worry when our partner temporarily pulls away.
>> We are capable of being alone without feeling insecure or incomplete.
>> We are vulnerable and communicative, and so we don’t need to play manipulative games to get what we want.
>> We are comfortable with who our partner is and aren’t trying to constantly change who they are to match our current state of mind.
>> We find meaning through our own thoughts and actions rather than from our partner.
>> We accept our flaws but focus on the positive aspects of ourselves.
>> We are optimistic about our relationship and where it’s going.
When we become happy with ourselves, our relationship naturally takes a positive turn and fights over silly things decrease. It becomes conscious and healthy. It won’t be devoid of challenges, difficulties, boredom, or unpleasant emotions, but it will be filled with faith and contentment—two factors that are essential for a sturdy relationship that stands the test of time.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: John Diez/Pexels
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