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Have you ever had the experience of doing something you know is wrong but you don’t stop?
I did that when I walked down the aisle the first time.
Not only did I have my friends drive me past the church as stunned guests watched us go by, but I sighed “We had better go back,” and with every step down the aisle I knew it was the wrong choice.
But that one choice led to many life lessons.
One of the main things I learned along the way was to trust my instinct a lot more, as well as the four lessons below. I hope they help you avoid some of the pitfalls I’ve experienced in my 70 years, two marriages, couple of engagements, and now as a content single woman—whose best friend is my former second husband.
(I am not on Bumble but still plan to meet someone who can benefit from me learning to love and accept myself and have an easier journey than my wonderful second husband!)
At this point in my life, I’ve learned what to do and what not to do, and how our relationships with others are so dependent on the relationship we have with ourselves. So at the risk of great vulnerability, here are four lessons that can help us do relationships better:
1. Understand Yourself, Know Yourself, and Give Yourself Grace
I think I’ve done more deep, difficult, and rewarding growth in the past year, since turning 70, than in the rest of my life combined! And I’ve always been a committed, lifelong learner. So either I’m incredibly slow, or I’ve finally allowed myself to reach the roots.
Here’s what I’ve realized: truly knowing and understanding yourself makes everything in life easier. And I believe it’s part of why we’re here: to remember we are never truly separate and we are astonishing beings, worthy of love.
I am a keynote speaker at corporate events, and you would think that topics like this are taboo in the corporate world, but they are more needed than ever. When I speak about these things, they’re actually well received because they are universal truths and affect everything we do. We often spend more time with people at work than we do with those at home, so how we treat each other really matters. And these principles apply both at work and at home.
The journey to finding and knowing myself has taken many twists and turns. I moved countries two years ago and lived in a place where I knew no one except the real estate agent. On the one hand, I am grateful for the loneliness and isolation as I tried to integrate into a new community, and on the other it has been lonely and challenging. But I suspect it was also just what I needed to dive deep enough to work out what matters to me, to understand myself better, and allow myself to feel.
John Duradini, an Australian professor of psychiatry said, “Life is not about feeling good. It is about being good at feeling.” And I sucked at feeling. Since I was a small child, I told myself a story that I was unsafe and unlovable; I lived in my head and was brilliant at analysing and thinking. But truly feeling and knowing? No!
I have learned that uncomfortable as it is at times, feeling is a great thing to do. To observe my feelings was my starting point. I had been so disconnected from my heart and body that I even had to use a list of potential feelings to be able to identify them. This might help if you are in a similar spot. So step one is to feel, or notice that you are feeling and work out what it is. Then allow the feeling to be there and breathe through it.
That was another major task. First feel, and then keep feeling? Until it went away?! Nightmare zone!
But I did, and I continued, consciously giving myself compassion as I went through the process. Which then taught me more about compassion and how to give it to ourselves. I recognised how important it was to be aware of what we tell ourselves.
Here is one way to think about this: we would never speak to, judge, or criticise others the way we do to ourselves. Why do we treat ourselves so harshly? Most often, it’s because of the lies or stories we told ourselves as children.
What if you gave yourself the same compassion you offer others? What if you spoke kindly and lovingly to yourself (at least sometimes)?
No one wakes up thinking, “How can I mess things up today?” Yet we’re often our own worst critics. Self-forgiveness and compassion don’t just change the way we see ourselves, they transform our relationships, too.
So here’s a challenge:
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself today. Are you being kind and compassionate with yourself? Are you judging yourself or others? Are you giving yourself grace for being human? If not, shift that inner dialogue, change the story, challenge the story, or at least recognise what is truly going on—even for a moment.
2. Honor Yourself—Because if You Don’t, No One Else Will
This one is tricky because so many of us were taught to do the opposite. We’re told to put others first, to be selfless, to keep the peace. But honoring ourselves doesn’t mean having a big ego or being horribly selfish; it means recognizing our own worth. And this ties into setting boundaries.
I was never taught anything about feeling good about myself, let alone honouring myself. I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my parents divorced when I was five and a number of childhood experiences had me telling myself the story that I wasn’t good enough. In fact, I told myself I was worthless, and I could barely spell honouring, let alone think about self-respect.
At its core, honoring ourselves comes from Lesson #1: knowing ourselves, and acknowledging and respecting the divine spark that exists within us and others. Everyone has that essence, but in some cases it has been covered with fear or shame or guilt or one of the many emotions (not feelings) that we humans use as learning tools.
Here’s the key though: we have to consciously choose to see that spark in the core of everyone and everything.
I was not taught this growing up. We never discussed these concepts, and my parents didn’t either, so they modelled what they knew. As I have researched, done therapy, and taken courses, I am more able to accept and allow that I do have a divine spark—and when I dishonour myself, I dishonour that divinity in me. Knowing that has helped a little. Perhaps it will for you as well.
So, what does honoring yourself actually look like? It’s different for everyone, but it often means knowing what truly matters to you, and refusing to give it up just to please others. It means standing in integrity and following through on what you know is right, even when external pressures try to pull you away from it. It’s giving yourself permission to show yourself grace and compassion; to fall down and be human every so often and learn as you pick yourself up again; to rest when you need to; to stop and be still until you know what to do; to not just accept what others say about you and let yourself shrivel up!
I had a challenging first year when I moved here that gave me a wonderful opportunity to recognise where I was not honouring others, and consequently myself, and how it would have been easy to be a victim (okay, I was a victim for a while!) until I started being conscious of what I was actually doing. I was unconsciously sabotaging myself and my relationships, and dishonouring others’ confidence, their feelings, and who they were. And that was mirrored back to me in a number of ways, which were difficult yet awesome growth opportunities that gave me a better understanding of how to truly honour others and myself.
So let me ask you:
How many times have you ignored what you knew was right or wrong—only to regret it later? Because if you look at things in review, it is often clearer. When did you know that you perhaps didn’t honour others and can you see what was going on for you at that time. Were you honouring that divine spark in you at the time? Most likely not!
Maybe it’s time to start observing your behaviours and what is driving them, and honouring yourself by reminding yourself that you’re safe, you belong, and you are worth loving.
3. Like Yourself—and if You Don’t, Change
I have rarely willingly put my hand up and said, “Oh yes, I would love to go through a massive change!” This last time I moved, I knew I had to move. I didn’t really know why but I knew that feeling (finally) and I honoured it and myself and decided to sell my house, give away my belongings, and move to a country I had not lived in before. If I had thought about it, I would never have done it!
Has it been easy? No. Has it been valuable? Yes! Painful but valuable. And it will lead to a much more joyful and content life because of the new skills I’ve learned. It’s interesting to find that as I judge less, honour others more, stay present, and feel, I like myself more.
Most of us resist change—but if you don’t like yourself, isn’t change a better option than living in misery for the rest of your life?
If you struggle with self-acceptance, take a step back and ask: What story am I telling myself? What story is making me feel this way? Chances are, the reasons you don’t like yourself aren’t really yours. They’re stories (aka lies) you were told or, more likely, ones you created as a child in response to difficult experiences.
I am repeating the core fears because they are so important and pivotal in unconsciously ruling our lives:
I am not worth loving.
I am not good enough.
I am unsafe in some way.
I don’t belong—I am separate, and I don’t fit in.
I somehow managed to tell myself all of them, and no matter how much I tried to work through these fears, I still felt unworthy of love, not good enough, terrified, and separate. It has been quite the journey, but today I feel much better about myself—though like most of us, I’m still a work in progress!
So here are a few questions to consider:
What story stops you from fully accepting yourself? When did that story start? (No need to relive it; just get a general idea of when or what started it.) And who actually benefited from you telling yourself that story? (Hint: it probably wasn’t you!)
Dig deep—because once you see the story for what it is, how it started and what patterns it has created in your life, you can finally choose to rewrite it and find that you are a likeable, lovable person.
P.S. Make sure you have a conversation with your children or any child you know about these core fears so they can address them before they develop bad patterns and habits.
4. Aim to Love Yourself because You are Lovable
I wish I could say I have nailed this…but I haven’t. However, I have made progress.
In my marriages, I learned that both men really did love me (to the best of their ability; we are all facing the same battles!) but I could not believe it or accept it. Sure, I was madly in love (the second time) and felt great but it was an illusion, and once real life happened, the old stories which had become beliefs came to surface. Years and years of not understanding why “these” things kept happening to me led me to realise that I had to find a way to love myself first so I could allow others’ love in.
If loving yourself feels like too much of a stretch right now, start with acceptance. That’s where I started. I stopped telling myself how intimidating I was or challenging or difficult (all of which I had been told, on top of my own worthlessness stories) and started to realise I was a kind person. A thoughtful person.
I gave myself grace because I knew I was working hard on myself and I truly wanted to be different. I gave myself permission to be kind to myself and stop judging myself. In many small ways, step by step, I learned to believe I was a “good” person. I was capable of liking myself, most of the time.
Think of someone you truly love. Notice how much grace, compassion, and care you naturally give them. At times, you don’t necessarily like them but you know you love them. Now ask yourself: What’s stopping me from treating myself the same way?
But here’s the truth: You are worth loving—just because you are alive, just because you are human. That divine spark is in you and it loves you. You are loved, whether you love yourself or not!
You can grow, evolve, and become whoever you want to be, but your worth isn’t something you need to earn. You are worthy of love simply because you exist. This is a hard concept for some, including me, but I am working on it and much closer to knowing it. I feel it for others, which gets me closer to feeling it for myself.
So here is our mission:
Make time to be still and truly feel that connection to source, God, or the divine. Feel that love.
Catch yourself in moments of self-criticism, and give yourself a break. Practice self-acceptance without judgment. Start treating yourself with the same kindness you give to others.
Because loving yourself isn’t about perfection—it’s about finally seeing who you truly are: a human being emanating your divine spark, doing your best to remember that and honour it. And working at growing, developing, and becoming conscious in your relationship with yourself and others.
~
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