I once had a friend who was terrified of public speaking.
This was particularly inconvenient because she had just gotten a promotion she had worked hard for, and part of the new role meant leading monthly agency meetings. She would have to give updates, clarify goals, inspire her team, and do it not only in a room full of people, but on camera.
She was experienced. She was capable. She was absolutely the right person for the job.
And she was terrified.
She knew the fear wasn’t rational. We worked on tools. She practiced. She took classes. She gradually exposed herself to the thing she feared.
And when the first meeting came, she nailed it.
She also barely slept for a week beforehand.
Six months later, the fear is better. But it’s still there.
I’m a huge believer in doing the thing that scares you. Fear is not a stop sign. But I also don’t believe we’re meant to white-knuckle our way through life, constantly managing the same fears. At some point, we have to ask a different question:
What am I actually afraid of?
Fear Has Layers
Most of the fears we name are surface fears.
I’m afraid of flying.
I’m afraid to start the business.
I’m afraid to get married.
I’m afraid to speak in public.
These fears are real. But often, they’re not the whole story.
Think of them as labels on a jar. The label may say “strawberry jam,” but inside are strawberries, sugar, lemon juice, zest—many ingredients that created what you’re looking at. Fear works the same way. So instead of stopping at the label, keep asking:
What am I afraid of?
Public speaking.
What am I afraid will happen?
I’ll freeze. I’ll say the wrong thing.
And what would that mean?
People will realize I don’t know what I’m talking about.
And what would that mean?
Maybe I’m not as capable as they think I am.
And what would that mean?
Maybe I don’t really belong here.
There it is.
The fear was never really about public speaking. It was about belonging.
It was about an old belief that her place in people’s lives was conditional, that if she stopped performing well enough, she could lose it. And this is why simply conquering the thing we’re afraid of often isn’t enough. If we don’t uncover the fear beneath it, it will find somewhere else to live.
Keep Asking “And What Would That Mean?”
When you get underneath a fear, something interesting happens.
First, it often becomes smaller.
“I’m terrified of public speaking” feels enormous and undefined. “I’m afraid that if I’m not impressive, people will decide I don’t belong” is painful, but it’s specific. And once something is specific, we can bring consciousness to it.
Second, you start recognizing the same fear in places that seemed completely unrelated.
My friend began seeing it in the anxiety she felt hosting a dinner, in difficult conversations with her partner, even in how quickly she apologized when she made a small mistake.
Different situations. Same fear.
And third, you become more compassionate.
Because underneath so many of our fears is something tender.
Am I enough?
Will I still be loved?
Do I belong?
What happens if I lose control?
Those aren’t public-speaking fears. They’re human fears.
What Is the Fear Protecting You From?
This is where fear becomes interesting to me. Because so often, the fear we think is protecting us is actually keeping us from confronting the very thing our soul came here to transform.
Fear of failure may be covering a fear of unworthiness.
Fear of uncertainty may be covering our need for control.
Fear of rejection may be covering our belief that connection can be taken away from us.
But Kabbalah teaches something very different. Every soul is a spark of the Light of the Creator. That means worthiness isn’t something you earn through achievement, approval, or getting everything right. It is inherent in who you are.
And control? We were never promised control. We came here for transformation.
Our work isn’t to arrange life so perfectly that nothing uncomfortable can happen. Our work is to become who we came here to become through whatever does happen. And connection, the deepest connection to ourselves, to others, and to the Creator, isn’t created by controlling everything around us. Very often, it appears when we finally stop trying to.
So perhaps the question isn’t simply:
How do I get rid of this fear?
Ask:
What is underneath this fear? What do I believe would happen if the thing I’m afraid of actually occurred? And what is this fear asking me to believe about myself that simply isn’t true?
Keep asking until you reach the fear under the fear.
Because that is usually where the real work begins.
The fears we think are keeping us safe are often just keeping us small.
And on the other side is truth.
You are already worthy.
You were never in control.
And you are far more connected than your fear would have you believe.
Once you know that, fear may still knock on the door. It just doesn’t get to decide where you go next.
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