My friend Nicole’s husband, Alex, was the epitome of hard work—not just hard work, but personal and physical optimization. An avid mountain climber for 20 years, Alex had attended college, gained an MBA, climbed Kilimanjaro, scaled Everest, and started a Leadership Coaching business that blended all of them. Very successful, in a loving marriage with two kids, the picture of physical health, it made sense that Alex equated his achievements with his undeniable determination and will.
Until two years ago when he faced a severe health crisis.
Once an impervious outdoorsman, his days now were filled doctor’s appointment, a limited diet, a complex medication schedule, and physical energy enough to walk around his house for awhile before needing to lay back down. His dedication to heal was no different than his dedication to anything else, he just had to work hard and undoubtedly he would prevail, right?
Unfortunately, no. Despite his unwavering efforts, Alex’s health continued to decline. The more he pushed, the more depleted he felt. It was a heartbreaking realization that his herculean ability to effort wasn’t going to work this time. Hard work, as Alex discovered, does not solve everything.
His experience can make one question the very pervasive belief that hard work is some kind of cure-all, ultimate solution.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that with enough grit and determination, we can conquer anything. It’s a powerful narrative, written to every heroic tale, one that has propelled countless individuals to extraordinary heights. But what happens when this belief clashes with the stark reality of life’s complexities?
Yes, hard work is a cornerstone of success. It’s the fuel that drives us towards our goals, the discipline that shapes our character but there’s a crucial caveat: hard work is not a blanket solution. Some challenges simply transcend effort. A strained relationship with a family member, a chronic illness, or a loved one’s mental health crisis are not problems that can be bulldozed with sheer willpower. In fact, this is what makes this approach not only ineffective, but potentially harmful.
This kind of efforting, known a bulldozing, is ultimately a desire to control things that are, by definition, out of our control. Asserting our will over anything—a person, a place, a circumstance—comes from the ego-based perspective that we are doing life totally alone. That it’s all up to us. This belief is understandable, it’s comforting to think that in the face of a challenge all we have to do is try hard and it will be solved. How painful it is then, when our hard work falls short.
The answer to these moments is found through embracing the opposite of hard work: learning to let go.
The first thing we need to do is surrender. And surrender doesn’t mean to give up. It means to give in. When we surrender, we invite the Creator in, we make room for the Light. Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Surrendering is very active. It requires shifting our perspective, taking different actions, and placing our trust in the greater process of life.
If you find yourself in a situation that you’ve been bulldozing, I invite you to pause and try applying some these tools:
Seek Support: Connection and community are absolute vital when we’re facing a challenge. Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend, sharing your burdens can provide new perspectives and emotional relief.
Be Flexible: Acknowledging that we can’t control everything is a vital step towards healing. It’s about finding peace with what is, rather than fighting against it. Spend some time getting clear on what you can control and let go of everything else.
A LOT of Self-Compassion: Hard work is commendable, but it’s just as important to be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise, without judgment, and make space for rest, stillness, and joy.
Thinking we have control over anything is the biggest illusion and one that causes great unhappiness. We all have a human need for security, and that need is what drives us to attempt to control our surroundings, our relationships, and even other people in our lives. Yet, we don’t have control over it all. That can be a scary thought, but I encourage you to reframe it. If control is impossible, what would happen if we just embraced the unknown, certain enough in ourselves and the Creator to know that we can handle it?
Remember, strength isn’t always measured by how hard you push, but by how gracefully you navigate challenges. It’s about understanding when to dig deep and when to let go, and finding the courage to choose the path that leads to healing and growth.
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