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*Editor’s Note: This piece is part of a series. Read the previous part here.
In this series, I’ve been uncovering some of the habits that parents adopt with the best of intentions.
If you’ve been reading them, you know by now that I’m a parent too. And trust me, I make mistakes. As I’ve mentioned in the previous parts, most of our well-intentioned habits don’t come from a place of harm; they stem from deep, unconscious conditioning.
These habits come from everywhere. We hear them from other parents, we absorbed them from our own upbringing, and we see them daily on social media. You could say we’ve been brainwashed into believing that these tactics are actually efficient.
But, they’re not. What we fail to see is that sometimes our most “loving” tactics follow our children into adulthood, leaving them to spend decades unlearning the very behaviors we used to guide them.
Now, let me be clear: we can never be perfect parents. But we can be aware. We can cultivate just enough self-awareness to build a resilient, healthy emotional foundation for our children.
Today, I will tackle a mistake so normalized in our society that most of us don’t even realize when we’re doing it: Comparison.
“Look at how X is eating their food.”
“Why can’t you be more like Y? Look at how nicely she put on her jacket.”
“See how quietly he’s sitting?”
We say these things thinking that by presenting an example of good or polite behavior, we inspire our children to strive for better. For many of us, comparison feels like a harmless, effective tool to encourage them.
Sadly, comparison is far more damaging than mere encouragement. When we point at peers, cousins, or strangers, hoping to spark a little, healthy competition, the only thing we actually spark inside our child’s inner world is this quiet, harmful realization: I am not enough. I have to do better to be worthy.
When we measure our child against someone else, we aren’t teaching them how to succeed; we’re teaching them to measure their self-worth against everyone else in their world.
That small, repeated interaction intensifies over time. The child grows into an adult who feels constantly behind. That’s exactly how our adult perfectionism, chronic self-doubt, and imposter syndrome are born.
This habit usually comes from a place of love—a desperate desire to see our children do well, fit in, or keep up. In the previous parts of this series, we explored how overprotection and labeling hurt our children both now and in the future. But comparison teaches them a dangerous lesson—one they can’t easily heal in adulthood: Your value depends on how you measure up to the person next to you.
If you recognize yourself in this, don’t panic. I’m not here to point fingers or blame any parent. As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we have. That’s why I want to share a simple alternative. It takes practice and inner work, but it almost always transforms the dynamic.
To stop comparing our children, we have to shift our focus from specific outcomes to individual progression and growth.
The uncomfortable truth is that we compare our children because that’s how we’ve been conditioned to measure ourselves. We measure our productivity, our appearance, our success, and even our daily routines against everyone else online and in our social circles, assuming that’s how life works. But let’s be honest: This is an exhausting way to live—and without realizing it, we drag our children into that same dynamic every single day.
I know how hard it is to see your child “behind” or struggling to meet an expectation. But in those moments, our expectations aren’t what matter. What matters is how our child feels about their own journey.
We have two choices in those moments: We can make them feel small and inadequate, or we can help them honor their own effort, celebrate their small wins, and respect their unique developmental rhythm.
Every child is entirely unique and grows at their own pace. We cannot expect them all to move, learn, or behave identically. So, let’s choose to prioritize our child’s long-term self-confidence over society’s endless list of “shoulds.”
At the end of the day, our job isn’t to raise a child who keeps on winning. Our job is to raise a child who feels secure, grounded, and confident in their own skin—regardless of who is standing next to them.
When we drop the toxic habit of comparison, we give our children the greatest gift possible: the permission to simply be themselves.
In the fifth and final part of this series, I will tackle how “overpraising” can undermine a child’s confidence, leaving them dependent on external validation as adults.
Stay tuned!
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Diana/Pexels
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