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As I sit and hear the quiet tapping of a cool autumn rain on fallen leaves I can’t help but feel into the spaces that surround me. I never thought I’d be single for so long, but also how I’ve actually gotten really good at it.
So good at it that I wonder, will I ever find someone who can be as good a partner to me as I have become for myself?
I once wrote of needing a warrior and not a man, of finding our forever love, knowing that in part we were all first meant to find that within ourselves. But once we do, something soulfully changes within us. It’s as if we’re no longer radiating that we’re looking for something, and so the question becomes, can we actually find it then.
Because what do we attract when we are already whole?
I have always been a romantic. I’ve wished on fallen stars and believed that love could not just transcend any challenges, or oceans, but time itself. And maybe, it is partially because of this I entered a relationship before I even knew myself. But, oh, how I loved that act of togetherness. Of having someone to bounce ideas off of, ask their opinions of, and experience life with. It was never that hyper independence kept others away, but rather I naturally always thought of the we and so maybe that’s why my lesson had to be focusing on me.
So I took each day as it came. I let people in and I gave second chances. I forgave, I learned, and I honored my boundaries and still it seemed that most of my loves came down between me choosing myself or choosing to sacrifice myself for them in some way.
I never walked away from love because it wasn’t felt, but because staying became impossible.
I remember, before I actually was divorced, how I used to say I was scared to be alone forever. I was scared that I would be single. Because at that point not having a relationship in my life became my biggest fear, until one day I realized it wasn’t.
I’ve held boundaries and built a life that younger me would feel safe within. But now I’ve become so good at it, I wonder, have I healed out of needing a relationship?
If we’re honest with ourselves, the less awareness we have, the less we’ve tended to our wounds or taken accountability, the easier it is to be in a relationship. Not a fated relationship, or even a healthy one, but any relationship. Of course I know now that’s because we attract the relationships we need to grow, but once we’ve reached a certain level, dating looks different.
I used to want to be saved. I wanted that warrior to sweep in and give me all the love I never gave myself. I wanted a fairytale, damn it, and I wouldn’t settle for less. But in the meantime, I’ve saved myself. And more than that, and like so many other women, I’ve become what I was seeking.
I’ve become the very partner that I always said I wanted.
Someone stable, consistent, caring, adventurous, passionate and who could help me around the house. So much so, that while I take pride in my growth, I wonder if partnership exists for me in this lifetime.
But, still that romantic muse is still inside of me whispering it’s not a matter of if, but when. And I believe that the fact I’ve gotten so good at being single will help me not just attract but be ready for that next big relationship.
Because there’s a difference between being single and actually truly embracing that single life.
I have no men on speed dial, and there are no DM’s I’m dropping into. I am not on any apps, nor have I shared my bed with anyone in years. Not because the desire is gone, but because my willingness to accept less has evaporated along with my tears from my last relationship. To be single, and learn to be in our own space is a super power. To feel secure, confident, attractive and happy, not because someone told me so, or because I got a good morning beautiful text, but because I woke up in a life that is mine is something else entirely.
And so maybe I never thought I would be single for so long, but I can’t say that I don’t love it. Because I do, and it’s that sole reason that I think for the first time ever I am actually truly ready to understand what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. Because it wasn’t all about my ex partners, but why I attracted and stayed with them so long in the first place. I always held the power to choose differently, I just didn’t know it until now.
No matter how awareness and healing changes the course of love, I do believe that there are those walking similar paths. And that while we all love to use it as a cliche, timing really does make a difference. Because nothing, especially love, ever happens when or how we think it will.
So until then, I am going to keep enjoying being single.
I’m going to keep finding joy in the way the light comes through the golden leaves, and smile in satisfaction at the completion of a house project. I’m going to make a delicious meal for one and celebrate myself. But mostly, I’ll enjoy taking up the whole bed.
~
author: Kate Rose
Image: Author's Own
Editor: Molly Murphy
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