0
Share on bsky
I coach a lot of women who have an anxious attachment style.
Because it was my style, I know the suffering that comes with it, and I was able to shift it.
For those who don’t know about attachment styles, the anxious style (or ambivalent, depending on the author) is developed when our caregivers neglect us, if not materially at least emotionally. Or they are inconsistent in giving us attention.
If as an adult you find yourself waiting, fantasizing, and chasing when it comes to relationships, chances are you have an anxious attachment style—at least for now.
Romantic relationships are where you’ll be most triggered because the charge is bigger.
But I want to tell you a personal story…
There was a point when things started to shift in my romantic relationships, and because that was my focus, I was not vigilant enough with how other people made me feel—and I almost paid a big price for it.
I went to a mechanic because each time I was driving for more than two hours, I couldn’t downshift from fifth to fourth gear. I managed with the third gear, but it was not normal.
This mechanic was new to my area. He was nice, available, and had a way of making you feel like a special client. I wouldn’t say he was flirtatious, but he was flattering and seemed happy to play the saviour: “If there’s a problem, call me anytime. I can come and take your car back with my van.”
This was the perfect potion to make an anxiously attached person lower her guard.
He looked at my gearbox and said, “There’s no problem,” then made a few adjustments. He checked the clutch as well, said it was fine, and told me everything was okay.
I told him it was important that everything was fixed, as I planned to drive to Nantes, which is a five-hour drive up north.
In the middle of the journey, as I got off the highway on a one-way exit road, which was a little bit uphill, I realized I couldn’t downshift. But this time, there were cars ahead of me and cars behind me. I couldn’t even get to third gear, like before.
I freaked out as the car behind me was going fast and I was losing speed. While panicking, I managed to press the “warning” button in time. The car behind me slowed down. (And bonus, the driver didn’t escalate the situation with insults, which happens fast with French people.)
Without pressing the “warning” button in time, I would have had an accident.
Long story short, I managed to downshift to second and made my way to Nantes. But on my way home, it became worse and the gears were blocking more and more.
So, I came back to the mechanic.
When he said the clutch was broken and needed to be changed, my internal alarm bell didn’t ring. He had told me it was safe to drive long distances and that the clutch was okay.
He kept the car for two weeks, then called to tell say, “The gimbals are dead. I can’t let you drive like this.” To save me money, he said he would try to find some in the car scrap yard. He found some, but then said the scrap yard guy couldn’t deliver them.
Three weeks passed and I was so stressed without a car, although I managed to borrow my friend’s van for the week. Then the mechanic called to say, “To make sure there’s nothing wrong with the gearbox, you’ll have to drive it for a while.”
Again, my internal alarm didn’t ring, even though he had said before that the gearbox was fine.
He finally ordered a new one at an “exceptional price,” and I took my car back, finally relieved. I drove it a bit, and soon realized it was impossible to shift in the reverse gear.
I called the mechanic. He told me to come back, so I drove back to the garage.
Again.
He purged the system three times, until finally it worked. I drove home, and each time I would start the car, the reverse gear would block again, so it really only worked about 50 percent of the time.
At that point, I was dealing with insomnia, tears, tons of frustration, and I found myself waiting anxiously for texts saying the car was ready and relying on false promises about cheaper materials.
Does this remind you of something?
This guy clearly couldn’t deliver or figure out what was wrong, and I kept coming back and trusting he would.
I was texting with him to try to find out what was wrong. I even asked ChatGPT so I could understand (turns out he’s quite good at mechanics). I had paid a lot of money to the actual mechanic but was still trying to figure out a solution on my own.
The whole situation had become a drain on me.
One morning, I went to the local coffee shop and this lady I had talked to a few times heard me complaining about my car situation. She gave me the number of a mechanic that she said could solve any problem.
I had it in my hand—the potential solution.
And yet, I was feeling bad about calling the new mechanic because my mechanic had been so good at making me feel special.
I resisted at first, but then I called.
The new mechanic, just over the phone, gave me a more rational hypothesis than the previous one had ever mentioned. I felt confident he would solve the problem, but because of his schedule and mine, I had to wait one more week to show him the car.
When I did, he sorted out the issue in 35 minutes, and for cheap.
That’s when I realised: These wasted weeks of time and energy were residue from my anxious attachment style.
Someone would flatter me and make me feel like he would take care of me, just with his words, and I would give my trust straight away—even when the facts were telling a completely different story.
This was exactly what I had done in past romantic relationships.
I would not stick to the facts. I would ignore the warning signals that it wouldn’t work. I would find excuses.
Except here, instead of losing just time, energy, and money, I could have gotten into a car accident!
When something shows up in one area of our life, it eventually shows up everywhere else.
Our nervous system is naturally wired toward secure attachment, before relationships happen. Coming back to this initial wiring as much as possible matters because all our relationships and how we interact with each other have a huge impact on our well-being and shape our life.
It matters because secure attachment is the portal to safety, to clear boundaries, to healthy connection.
It matters because it keeps us present with what truly is so we can deal with it instead of letting our presence vanish and adapting to what others want.
It matters because that’s how we bend reality, instead of having others bend it for us.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.