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You know that girl in high school who seemed to have it all? Invited to every party, known by everyone?
Yeah. That wasn’t me.
I wasn’t an “ugly duckling” either, but I wasn’t that girl. My teenage self would never admit it, but God, how she wished she was.
Fast forward to my 20s, and my “adult” relationships weren’t what I’d imagined. There was the man who was “perfect on paper” and loved me, but I couldn’t love him back. And, of course, the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic—with me firmly in the anxious seat. Love felt dramatic and exhausting.
So I did what so many of us do when we sense something’s off: read all the books, watched all the videos, took all the courses, went to therapy. If it promised healing, I was in.
And somewhere along the way, I stumbled on this thing called “feminine energy.”
Not the universal yin-yang balance, but dating culture’s promise to women: do less, receive more, be treated like a queen, and become magnetic.
To the overlooked teenage part of me still aching to be seen and chosen, it felt like a dream.
So I went all in—and I got good at it.
It worked for a while—until it led me into the most disempowering, emotionally abusive relationship I’d ever known.
Here’s what I learned about why that kind of “feminine energy” can leave you not more magnetic, but subtly, deeply disempowered:
1. It’s just another set of rules to follow.
Like many of us, I grew up as the classic “good girl,” molding myself to be acceptable. So when I found “feminine energy,” it felt empowering at first. Don’t initiate and lean back enough times, and you get this surface-level sense of power. But it wasn’t real—it was fear of being fully seen, dressed up as softness. I wasn’t a “good girl” anymore, but I wasn’t fully me either.
Instead of trading one set of rules for another, focus on feeling safe in your body and once there, listening to what your gut is telling you. That’s real power—trusting your own wisdom and acting on it.
2. Leaning back didn’t make me feel receptive—it made me shut down.
I thought leaning back would make me feel safe and open to receive more. Instead, it kept me constantly monitoring myself: Am I too forward? Too distant? That self-policing made me feel less safe, less open. Real receptivity needs an honest relationship with yourself; otherwise, how do you even know what you want to receive in the first place?
Instead of policing yourself, slow down and feel what creates tension or ease in your body. Lovingly listening to those sensations is how you learn to recognize, ask for, and receive what you truly want.
3. It was about how others (mainly men) saw me, not how I felt.
At its core, becoming more “feminine” was still about curating myself to be desirable. Even if it was softer, it was about getting a specific reaction—making someone love me and stay. My own feelings and desires become secondary to that outcome.
Instead of performing to be desirable, light your inner fire first. Breathe deep into your pelvic floor until it feels alive, and from there, sense what you find desirable.
4. It disconnected me from my difficult emotions.
Anger, grief, rage—”feminine energy” taught me to make them pretty: express them in a soft, graceful, contained way. But some emotions don’t want to be pretty. They want to be fully felt. Diluting them only disconnected me from my real self.
Instead of making anger look “pretty,” practice somatic release: shake it out, or visualize squashing what hurt you. Let the full force of the emotion move through you so it can actually shift.
5. It made me—and my relationships—less authentic.
“Feminine energy” promised a kind of “controlled” vulnerability that soothed my deepest fear of not being chosen. It taught me to curate myself and manage connections instead of showing up honestly to experience them. The more I did that, the further I got from real, authentic connecting—with myself and others.
Instead of curating yourself, get in the habit of checking in with your body for what feels true right now. Following that truth moment by moment is how authentic connection happens.
Ultimately, I realized that what modern dating culture sells as “feminine energy” is a just a subtler patriarchal remix of ying and yang—still telling women what to do.
I get the appeal. Real love is terrifying. It asks us to be naked, vulnerable, and open to hurt. Anything that promises control over that feels good—at least on the surface.
But here’s the paradox: trying to control love by holding back and strategizing kills your real self, your real flow with life. You might avoid pain, but you also can’t be truly moved.
For me, reconnecting with my body changed that. It let me meet myself—my real energy and my own version of womanhood.
If I could invite women to do anything, it would be to meet yourself on your own terms. To reconnect with your body and the you energy that lives inside it. To decide for yourself what it means to be a woman—and to have the beautiful boldness to live in that truth every day.
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