CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Money and Recovery

I struggle with money. I’m a saver not a spender. I can pinpoint a moment in my childhood when I received the message ‘spending money is bad, saving money is good.’ Wanting to be a good little girl it became difficult to spend my babysitting money on myself or anyone else. I felt shame when I spent money. It gradually shifted into unworthiness, not deserving of nice or fun things. 

In high school my friends and I would go out for a soda. I’d order only water. I felt guilty spending my money. As a young adult it became hitchhiking for free transportation and not buying enough food for myself.

However, in many ways the actual saving vs spending has served me well. I have no debt. I never misused credit cards. I worked hard to pay off my house and cars. It’s the emotional toll that’s been devastating. The deep depressions it has triggered. The tears and stress and pain of living in a false sense of reality.

I walked into the rooms of CoDA nine years ago. I have heard the Promises, slogans and affirmations many times over and over. I am enough and I have enough. I am a unique and precious creation. I matter. I am perfectly me. I know a new way to live. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I need to remind myself of these truths regularly.

Last month I was on a camping trip with my husband. As we were strolling along the beach he brought up money. He wanted to give away a significant chunk of money. I immediately was triggered. I shut down. I ran inside myself and angrily questioned why he was doing this to me. We were on a vacation — why bring this up and why bring this up now?

It took me an hour, maybe two to quiet all those voices in my head. My recovery brain needed time to kick in. I needed clarity. He had asked my opinion, so I asked myself what DO I want? I finally could give myself a voice. I spoke up and said, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.’ He said ‘Okay.’ And with that it was over.

I had blown this up in my mind. It was all about me. When in reality it was not about me at all.

The lesson I’m continually learning through CoDA is to stop running away. Stop shutting down. Stop abandoning myself and others. As I strive for healthy and loving relationships I must face the conflict. Embrace the opportunity. Speak my truth.

I am so grateful for CoDA. Without it I’d remain off-balance. But with tools of the program, affirmations, meetings, recovery friends and my sponsor I can reset and choose to live in the space with a realistic perspective of money and me. I’m a work in progress, progress not perfection.

Ali
08.23.2025