0
Share on bsky
I used to think that love was random…
That we fall in love unexpectedly, without any reason or trigger.
I knew that wasn’t true when I identified my pattern in choosing romantic partners. Somehow I managed to fall in love, enter relationships, and build false hope with the people who weren’t right for me.
Although I used to put my all in a relationship, the feeling that something was off was chasing me the whole time. I secretly carried it within me and had no clue what it meant.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt trapped in a relationship or marriage that might be similar to a previous one. Even if the relationship ends, we might feel compelled to repeat the same pattern with someone else.
If any of this feels familiar, know that you’re not alone. It has taken me all my adult life to realize that I don’t choose the wrong people; I choose the wrong needs, values, and goals.
You might be doing the same thing:
>> You might be obsessing over how they look.
>> You might be staying for the (good) sex.
>> You might be focusing too much on how they make you feel.
>> You might be scared of loneliness.
The list goes on and on. Then when we realize how unhappy we really are, we wonder why we keep falling for the wrong people.
The truth is we don’t fall for the person; we fall for what we focus on, and most times, we focus on the wrong things.
If we are serious about choosing the right person, we have to shift our focus. We need to define what we want:
>> What’s my goal?
>> What are my physical, emotional, and mental needs?
>> What are my nonnegotiable values?
>> What are some of the qualities that matter to me?
>> What are my expectations?
>> Where do I draw the line?
For a relationship to work, we have to ask ourselves many questions before rushing into a commitment. Our partner might not tick every box, which is perfectly normal and okay. What’s not okay, however, is relying on unrealistic things to determine the success of a relationship.
The key to a happy, healthy relationship with someone who is right for us is our willingness to remove our rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are. We have to be willing to dig deeper into our childhood wounds and what might be stopping us from focusing on the things that truly matter in a relationship—like respect, trust, consistency, responsability, teamwork, honesty, self-growth, and so on.
When we know what we want, we automatically filter potential partners. Our clear goals will set the tone for our right choices. Without clear, honest objectives, we will keep chasing the “wrong” traits—which are inevitably leading us to the wrong people.
So move beyond your checklist and focus on core needs instead. Finding someone with similar values gives your love life a better chance to thrive. The connection with your partner will deepen and the relationship will undoubtedly grow.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Daria Nekipelova/Pexels
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.