|
Sunday 5 May 2024
On Losing, Loving, Remembering & Moving with the Current.
{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~
In The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig defines amentalio as, “The sadness of realizing that you’re already forgetting sense memories of the departed—already struggling to hear their voice, picture the exact shade of their eyes, or call to mind the quirky little gestures you once knew by heart.”
It’s been four years since I lost my mother, and it’s devastating to think that I’m forgetting a little more of her every day. What breaks my heart even more, however, is the knowledge that there’s is nothing I can do about this.
When I first began writing this piece, I was torn between the many different directions it could take. Do I write about the vast endlessness of grief? Do I discuss the bittersweet importance of memories, however transient they may be? Or do I reflect on the inevitability of moving forward, even though our every instinct wants to keep us in the past—in the place where memories can never fade?
F. Scott Fitzgerald famously wrote in The Great Gatsby, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” From the moment I first read these words, they haunted me: Are we destined to forever relive the past, always fighting to move forward in a world that keeps pulling us back?
There are days when I wake up with zest and enthusiasm, with a desire to take on the world; and on those days, the realization that I’m forever being drawn backward is tragic. And then there are days—like today—when the thought of memories fading into nothingness devastates me. I’m relieved that the past, at least, has a grip on me—even as I’m losing my grip on it.
Despite this relief, these days are spent in melancholy, idleness, and a haze of sadness that clouds my judgement and makes thinking (and working) impossible.
Yes, I have my memories—but what are they worth if they’re denying me my life?
It’s impossible to live simultaneously in the past and the present. The romantic in me wants to hold on, wants to be “borne back ceaselessly,” wants to preserve my memories and keep them fresh so that the fog of time may never blur them. But the only way to preserve them is to relive them, and to do that, I have to pull a cloak around myself so I can shut out the world and its endless movement.
But is that what I’m here for—to hold onto memories of someone who will never come back?
Like Fitzgerald, Emily Brontë uses a water metaphor to describe the inevitability of time; in contrast, she believes we are inevitably pushed forward, into the future, toward life:
“Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world’s tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!”
Her love is gone, is buried, is “cold in the earth,” and by holding on too tightly, she is burying herself with him. She has to let go, not only because life compels her to, but because she wants to. It is her duty to continue living, even if that means forgetting.
My grandmother mourned my grandfather’s death for 37 years. Right until the moment she herself passed away, she cried whenever his name was mentioned. As a child, I greatly admired this: her ongoing devotion to him in a world that tried to force her to let go.
Looking back, however, I am compelled to reevaluate my opinion. Her fear of amentalio kept her anchored in the past. She could never move into the present, or embrace the future; and as a result, I’m sad to say, her life never amounted to much. She shut out friends, family, and the possibility of new loves, and chose instead to spend her days wrapped up in her cloak of grief and memories. She never allowed herself to produce or enjoy anything, and now, 12 years after her death, I have to honestly admit that she made no impression on the world. She was relieved to die, and the world was indifferent to her absence.
Why are we here? I don’t believe we were put on Earth to accumulate fame, money, and popularity by ruthlessly burying the past and forcing our way into the future. At the same time, I don’t think we are here to avoid life, either.
We exist so that we can live meaningfully—and living meaningfully can only happen in the present.
As much as I don’t want to go to my deathbed having forgotten the smell of my mother’s hair, the exact shade of brown of her eyes, or the wrinkles around her mouth whenever she smiled, I don’t want to die having wasted my life, either. And so, I choose to embrace my amentalio—even though it breaks my heart—because I have a duty to myself and to the world to keep on living.
I want to live hard, whatever that may mean, and I want to completely use up my potential so that I can safely say I tried my very best.
To quote poet and activist Andrea Gibson:
“Just to be clear, I don’t want to get out without a broken heart. I intend to leave this life so shattered, there better be a thousand separate heavens for all of my flying parts.”
~
Dear Lonely Heart: Here are some Wise Lessons from someone who has Learnt them All.
{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~
“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.” ~ Ellen Burstyn
~
I think at some point in our lives, we’ve all fallen victim to the “better somebody, than nobody” narrative.
After all, we are conditioned to believe we need another to make us whole. We need another to make us happy and fulfil us. If we are alone that will surely mean we are lonely.
Being alone is not normal according to some archaic idea that has been sold to the masses and has now become mainstream.
But here’s the thing…we are not all the same. Some of us thrive in relationships. Some of us thrive as parents. And some of us thrive alone. There is no right or wrong here; there’s simply autonomy, individuality, and respect for others. There’s the right to choose how we wish to live.
I look at relationships through a different lens these days. In my younger days, I loved the idea of love. Romance. Fairy tales. It was important for me to be chosen by someone. To be part of a couple. To leave those single days behind me. I fitted in. We all had the same goal of finding that partner, getting married, and having kids. We didn’t want to be left on the shelf because we knew those old spinsters were unhappy, crabby, miserable, crazy women who had pets because nobody wanted them. Aaah yes, that conditioning. We were better than that. We were chosen.
Several decades later, with maturity, wisdom, and a huge dose of insight and self-awareness, I now see what a ridiculous lie we were sold. How ridiculous our judgements of others were. How naïve our thinking was. Not because love and relationships are wrong or bad; they can be absolutely beautiful—with the right person. Not because there aren’t happily ever afters, because there are some genuine happy ever afters.
But because it’s not the only option. It’s not the only path to fulfilment and happiness. Because some people stay in places and with people far longer than they should for fear of being alone. For fear of being judged and different. Because we have a whole bunch of people jumping from one damaged relationship to the next, leaving a trail of destruction behind them because they don’t know how to spend time in solitude and work on themselves. They don’t know how to heal and grow alone. Because we’ve been taught that loneliness comes from being alone, which is a lie.
Here are my notes of compassionate wisdom to all the Dear Lonely Hearts:
Dear Lonely Heart…the reason you feel lonely is because you have disconnected from yourself. You have voids that you are trying to fill externally, but they need to be filled from within. You need to sit in the silence, in your own space and listen. Listen to what your heart and soul are saying. Learn to be alone and find what it is you enjoy.
Dear Lonely Heart…your desperate need to be with somebody, anybody, is attracting all the wrong people into your life. The need for validation to feel good about yourself is dismantling any boundaries you have in place.
Dear Lonely Heart…you need to learn to love yourself. Without self-love, you allow others to love you less than you deserve. You accept breadcrumbs. Your worth comes from how others treat you, when it should come from within.
Dear Lonely Heart…we are all on a journey of healing and growing. Each of us has work to do. We don’t need to be fully healed to be in a relationship, but we do need to have done some healing. We do need to have acknowledged our own part in the downfall of previous relationships. We do need to have mourned our previous losses. We do need to have awareness of our own toxicity and done work on that. We do need to have an understanding of our triggers and get underneath those. We need to always be willing to do the work. If we don’t, we inflict our pain and hurt on others.
Dear Lonely Heart…don’t bounce from one relationship to another, because you’re setting yourself up for failure. Grieve the ending of a relationship. Spend some time working through your feelings. What did you learn from the relationship and the breakup? What do you want to be different next time? What can you do to be a better partner, lover, and human? Give yourself time. Give yourself space. Disconnect from dating and connect with family, friends, nature and yourself.
Dear Lonely Heart…don’t chase. Don’t search. Don’t omit the lack you are feeling out into the world. If you’re unfulfilled and unhappy alone, you will be unfulfilled and unhappy with a partner. You will also chase people who are not necessarily healthy for you. Meeting another unhappy and unfulfilled person is a recipe for disaster.
Dear Lonely Heart…understand that love and connection come in many forms. Understand that if you don’t connect to yourself, you will never fully connect with another. Get to know yourself. Not the surface you. Not the you that wears masks. Not the you that you show others. But the real you. The multifaceted you. Strip all the layers back and discover who you are at your core. Don’t be afraid to let others see the real you in all your messiness.
There is still so much pressure and judgement in society about how we are meant to live. And quite honestly, most of it is the stories we tell ourselves that have been passed down from generation to generation. There is nothing wrong with choice. There is nothing wrong with marrying. Not marrying. Having kids. Not having kids. Being single. Not being single. The only thing wrong with any of this is the need for others to feel they have the right to judge.
So many feel lonely because they have this belief that they must have a partner to feel whole, never realising they are already whole; they have just forgotten how to connect with themselves. How to be fulfilled alone. How to love life at every stage. Why are we always waiting? Chasing? Searching? Believing if this happens or that’s achieved, we will be happy, instead of being happy and grateful for what we already have.
Thinking you will be happy when you “find” your partner is terribly sad because life is now. Every day is a gift. Find your purpose and your passions. Enjoy your life and work on being the best version of yourself and let the rest unfold. Once you’re in this space, a partner coming along will be the icing on your beautifully baked cake rather than the whole cake. And if your cake remains un-iced, you’ll still be happy to enjoy it, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Dear Lonely Heart…happiness and fulfilment are an inside job. Look within.
~
X
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.
TOP CONTRIBUTORS LATEST
AUTHOR: MICHELLE SCHAFER
IMAGE: NOTHING AHEA
How to Calm Your Anxiety no matter where You Are.
View this post on Instagram
{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get trapped in an anxiety spiral?
As soon as one anxious thought sneaks into your mind, a swarm of fellow demons follows it. Before you know it, there you are, cowering in the corner, while your anxiety fills the rest of the room.
And there isn’t always a lavender-scented bubble bath or a tropical beach sitting right next to us to help calm us down.
Anxiety is a hypnotic trance. The more attention we give it, the more attention it demands. We rehearse anxious details, memorize anxious reactions, and internalize worst-case anxious scenarios. The anxiety starts to sound like reality. Then we feel rotten. And it can seem like there’s no way out of that anxiety spiral.
But there is. You can exchange an anxiety trance for a hopeful trance that helps you feel better. It only takes a few minutes. You can do it anywhere. And as with any practicable skill, the more you practice creating these healthy trances, the more habitual they become.
Here’s how.
Notice.
Let’s say you’re experiencing a minor anxiety trigger. Perhaps you’re thinking about attending a party. Before you know it, there’s your anxiety, chanting about loneliness, rejection, and doom. If you allow it to do so, your anxiety could devour all of your attention!
This is where you must boldly notice what is happening. And pause.
Give thanks.
How you feel now is not how you will feel later. Feelings always change. Even if you’re worried right now, there will come a time when you won’t be worried at all. You’ll be just fine. Maybe even great.
With that in mind, can you thank your anxiety for trying to defend you? (Because your anxiety believes it’s protecting you from danger. It all comes from love.) Then let it know that you are going to spend the next five minutes paying attention to something else. Anxiety doesn’t like feeling abandoned. Hearing a short time limit helps it calm down.
How will you feel when you start feeling better?
Take a couple deep breaths. Feel your feet on the ground. Remind yourself that you won’t always feel anxious the way you do right now. Then ask yourself: how will you know when you’re starting to feel better?
What will be the first sign?
Can you imagine it?
Can you visualize it? Can you hear it, taste it, smell it? Can you feel it in your body? What exactly does it look like, sound like, taste like, smell like, feel like?
Slow down. Get curious. Enjoy.
What emotions come up while you imagine yourself in this “feeling better” space?
What happens next?
What happens after that first sign? How does your healthy trance evolve? The more time you allow yourself to pause and enjoy your trance, the more details reveal themselves to you. Details help trances feel real. Details help your feelings shift.
Come back.
After five minutes, give yourself a shake and return to the here and now.
How are you feeling?
Chances are you won’t feel like returning to your anxious trance.
You can also repeat this exercise.
Once you’ve calmed down, it’s easier to think critically about the situation that was causing you anxiety in the first place. Once you’re calm, you can contemplate how you would like to address your needs around the situation. But we feel strong emotions before we think thoughts (1). This is why it helps to shift our feelings first.
Practice everywhere!
You don’t need to rely on special objects or special locations to help you soothe your anxiety. You’ve always had the power inside you, all along. Now you can take this new skill with you wherever you go. You can practice it anywhere that anxiety strikes. The more you practice, the more habitual this tool will become. And that will make it really yours.
Good luck, and may the Force be with you!
~
X
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.
TOP CONTRIBUTORS LATEST
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.