Saturday 31 October 2020

Freedom

 


"Without the possibility of choice and the exercise of choice one is not a person but a member, an instrument, a thing." Archibald MacLeish

Spirituality involves the freedom to change. Growth requires a variety of choices. My past addiction was a life of slavery because it removed my creative choice and left me obsessing about drugs and alcohol. My life, conversation, and thoughts revolved around the bottle, and I was oblivious to the true meaning of life. My freedom to experience the spiritual power of God's creativity was lost in the mindless craving for drugs. In this sense, drug addiction is slavery. Today I am free to see God's world in people, places, and things. Now I make the choice to live, love, and laugh.

I am growing in my awareness of Your multifaceted love for me.

Doing the Best You Can (OM)

 


 

Try not to expect perfection when starting out on a spiritual path or attaining inner peace.


It isn't always easy to meet the expectations we hold ourselves to. We may find ourselves in a situation such as just finishing a relaxing yoga class or meditation retreat, a serene session of deep breathing, or listening to some calming, soul-stirring music, yet we have difficulty retaining our sense of peace. A long line at the store, slow-moving traffic, or another stressful situation can unnerve you and leave you wondering why the tranquility and spiritual equilibrium you cultivate is so quick to dissipate in the face of certain stressors. You may feel guilty and angry at yourself or even feel like a hypocrite for not being able to maintain control after practicing being centered. However, being patient with yourself will help you more in your soul's journey than frustration at your perceived lack of progress. Doing the best you can in your quest for spiritual growth is vastly more important than striving for perfection.

Just because you are devoted to following a spiritual path, attaining inner peace, or living a specific ideology doesn't mean you should expect to achieve perfection. When you approach your personal evolution mindfully, you can experience intense emotions such as anger without feeling that you have somehow failed. Simply by being aware of what you are experiencing and recognizing that your feelings are temporary, you have begun taking the necessary steps to regaining your internal balance. Accepting that difficult situations will arise from time to time and treating your reaction to them as if they are passing events rather than a part of who you are can help you move past them. Practicing this form of acceptance and paying attention to your reactions in order to learn from them will make it easier for you to return to your center more quickly in the future.

Since your experiences won't be similar to others' and your behavior will be shaped by those experiences, you may never stop reacting strongly to the challenging situations you encounter. Even if you are able to do nothing more than acknowledge what you are feeling and that there is little you can do to affect your current circumstances, in time you'll alter your reaction to such circumstances. You can learn gradually to let negative thoughts come into your mind, recognize them, and then let them go. You may never reach a place of perfect peace, but you'll find serenity in having done your best.

Start Counting Your Blessings (EC)

 





Positive thinking can play a big part in your life. Instead of allowing yourself to be dragged down into that pit of darkness and become swallowed up in it, you start here and now to climb, you start searching for all the good things in your life, you start counting your blessings one by one – perhaps very slowly to begin with, because you may find it difficult to find any blessings, your vision has become so blurred. But once you start you will find you can go on. The way may be slippery and progress slow, but with patience and perseverance you will find everything begins to change. As soon as you begin to think of others you will find yourself going in the right direction. Stretch out your hand to help another being and you begin to move once again into the light.

4 Ways to Mindfully Channel Anxiety & Connect to our Hearts.

 


I was standing along the seashore of a beautiful, mystical beach, which had the most pristine, clear water giving face to the sublime sea life.

It had the opulence of the coral reef adjoining the rhythm of the flowing waves of water. The same that would make one feel as if it was the view of the ocean set at the behest of God.

I had my music switched on to a spiritual and divine tone and beat, which added more elaboration to my current state.

 

In this state I was surrounded by an enormous amount of noise, which was because I was standing at a famous tourist spot in Bali. The spot was being witnessed by several people with their own eyes and their own senses, as I was also experiencing it with mine.

I closed my eyes to lock in all my senses and tuned in to the soft music in my ears. Amidst this transcendental transformation from outward glamour to inward poise, I witnessed a strong sense of awareness, which was my personal experience with mindfulness.

This made me feel so at ease that for that particular surreal moment in time, I had completely forgotten about how anxious I could get sometimes, like most of us do, in my day-to-day activities.

In a world full of doing, doing, and only doing, it is vital to take a moment to just breathe—to just be.

Meditation, when explained in its simplest terms, refers to learning how to pay close attention. When used correctly, meditation allows us to slow down and observe the world without any form of judgment.

If we live with persistent and excessive worry, meditation can help reduce our worrying thoughts and bring about a feeling of balance, calm, and even focus.

I have been practicing meditation in the form of mindfulness for quite some time now. Even if I give this experience just 20 minutes per day, it has a tremendous impact and numerous benefits.

 

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness means knowing very well what is going on inside and outside of us, moment by moment.

It is easy to stop noticing the world around us. It is also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living “in our heads”—caught up in our thoughts without stopping even for a moment to notice how these thoughts tend to drive our emotions and then behaviour.

An important part of mindfulness is about reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they may experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of the present moment. It is about allowing ourselves to see the present moment distinctly. When we effectively start doing that, it can positively change the way we see ourselves and our lives.

Anxiety can mentally exhaust us and have a negative impact on our body.

But before you get anxious about being anxious, please do know that you can reduce your anxiety and stress with a simple mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is all about paying attention to our daily life and the things we typically rush through. It is about turning down the volume in our mind by coming back to the body.

Anxiety is a cognitive state that is connected to an inability to regulate our emotional responses to discerning threats. Mindfulness meditation strengthens a person’s cognitive ability to regulate emotions. Mindfulness can reduce anxiety and it must be practiced to enhance meditation-related anxiety relief.

How to Meditate with Anxiety

If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment; live in the breath.

The present moment is not necessarily a place of rest.

Meditation can put us in touch with our stress and anxiety, and that is why it can be so helpful. Explore how mindfulness and meditation can help soften feelings of anxiousness, reduce stress, and even calm a panic attack when it sets in.

Anxiety is our body’s way of saying that it is experiencing too much stress all at once. This can happen to the best of us. But, when the feeling of being always alert becomes a background noise that does not go away, that is when it is time to seek help.

Mindfulness and meditation for anxiety can help us navigate through the many ways that anxiety can mess up our lives. This guide is not meant to serve as a diagnostic tool or a treatment path—it is simply a collection of research and a few practices you can turn to as you begin to redress the balance.

I have personally been dealing with anxiety at a basic level for a long time now. It does not affect me to the core. However, it does stay in the back of my mind and can affect my productivity, effectiveness, and concentration levels at times.

Mindfulness helps me calm down, it enhances my concentration, and most importantly, it allows me to be in the present moment. It gives me a positive channel to focus on what is relevant, negate what is not, and do what’s best for myself.

Here are four steps you can use to mindfully channel anxiety:

1. Open your attention to the present moment. This means bringing attention to our experience in a more open manner by simply becoming a container for thoughts, feelings, or sensations in the body that are present, and then seeing if we can watch them from one moment to the next.

2. Focus on your breath. Bring focus that is more concentrated and centred. Narrow down your breath to one region of your body—the breath of the belly, or the chest, or even the nostrils, or anywhere that the breath makes itself known, and keep that as the more concentrated focus.

3. Bring your attention to your body. Become fully aware of the sensations in the body as a whole—sitting with the whole body, the whole breath pattern. With this, once again, you move back into the wider and spacious container of attention to our experience.

4. Explore your attitude. By attending to these three rhythmic movements, you can support your mindfulness practice and help it flourish with a smile on your face and a positive attitude of well-being.

The above four steps can be practiced every day, starting with five minutes and then gradually increasing your time frame as per your own rhythm and tone.

Here are the three facets of our lives that mindfulness impacts, which can help evolve one’s being and soul.

Mindfulness improves well-being. 

Increasing your capacity toward mindfulness supports many attitudes that contribute to a satisfying life. Being mindful makes it easier to savour the pleasures of life as and when they occur, it helps you become fully engaged in all your activities, and it creates a greater capacity to deal with any unfavourable events.

By focusing on the here and now, most people who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to get caught up in worries about the future or regrets over the past, are less preoccupied with concerns about success and self-esteem, and are better able to form deeper connections with others.

Mindfulness improves physical health

Mindfulness techniques help improve physical health in a number of ways. Mindfulness can help relieve stress, treat heart disease, lower blood pressure, reduce chronic pain, improve sleep, and decrease gastrointestinal difficulties.

Mindfulness improves mental health

In recent years, many psychotherapists have turned to mindfulness meditation as an important element in the treatment of a number of problems such as depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, couples’ conflicts, anxiety disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Reminding ourselves to take notice of all our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and noticing the world around us is the first step to mindfulness.

I would like to share a few tips on how to be more mindful in your day-to-day activities:

Notice that “you are” every day.

Even as we go about our daily lives, we can notice the sensations of things—the food we eat, the air moving past our body as we walk. All of this may sound small, but it has a huge power to interrupt the autopilot mode we set for ourselves from day to day, and it can give us new perspectives on life.

Keep it regular.

It can be helpful to pick a regular time—the morning journey to work or a walk post lunchtime—during which you decide to be fully aware of the sensations created by the world around you.

Try something.

Trying new things, such as sitting in a different seat during meetings or even going somewhere new for lunch can help you notice the world in a new way.

Keep a watch on your thoughts please.

Some people find it difficult to practice mindfulness. As soon as they stop what they are doing, a lot of thoughts and worries crowd in. It might be useful to learn that mindfulness is not about making these thoughts go away, but rather about viewing them as co-occurring mental events.

Name your thoughts and feelings.

To develop awareness toward reoccurring thoughts and feelings, some people find it helpful to silently name them. Here’s an example of the thoughts: “I might fail that exam” or “This is anxiety.”

Free yourself as much as you can from the past and future.

You can practise mindfulness anywhere you like, but it can be especially helpful to take a mindful approach if you realise that, for several minutes, you have been “trapped” in reliving your past problems or “pre-living” your future worries.

Finally, I would like to share that I have learnt and appreciated to meditate for peace and patience, leading to compassion.

Meditation for Compassion

Compassion allows us to overcome any form of fear by helping us accept ourselves, others, and life situations just as they are. This nonjudgmental acceptance is a great relief for people with anxiety. The ultimate goal of meditation is not to live a problem-free life but to learn how the mind works and how to work with the mind—not against it or for it. This deep insight naturally leads to compassion.

It is best to make sitting meditation part of your daily routine. Even five minutes a day with consistency makes a big difference.

Researchers have linked meditation not only to deep physical relaxation and peacefulness, but also to increased levels of empathy and a far more balanced sense of self. By improving our cognitive flexibility and leading toward insights into the deeper workings of the mind, meditation is an unparalleled natural remedy.

Mindfulness is a way of befriending ourselves and our experiences.

~

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Trishna Patnaik  |  Contribution: 215

AUTHOR: TRISHNA PATNAIK

IMAGE: JULIKA.ILLUSTRATION/INSTAGRAM

6 Traits of Emotionally Abandoned Adults.

 


I had a parent walk out.

It does not matter why or how. Simply that he did. “Daddy Issues” was a joke I made often. Nonchalantly squeezing it into conversations to alleviate myself from the pressure of relaying the whole story.

Sometimes I jokingly say, “I hate you, please don’t leave me” to my husband. Oof. I scoffed for years as multiple therapists repeatedly asked me about this. I had no longing or sad songs to sing about it, and it irritated me when it was mentioned as a problem source. I did not find it relevant. Except, it was. It so was.

I never felt like I had “missed out.” I had a dad who adopted me. To me, I had a dad and didn’t have much use for the other one. You can’t miss someone you never had, you know? I didn’t cry or spend hours lamenting why this had happened. I never tried to run away. I did not seek out lovers to fill some void.

 

After spending this past summer in trauma-informed and C-PTSD therapy, I can look back now and pinpoint behaviors that I genuinely believed were just part of who I am. My concept of abandonment issues was all wrong.

Abandonment is emotional trauma, see? It should go without saying that we are not born with fully developed nervous systems nor an innate ability to regulate them, but this was mind-blowing to me. Meaning that it imprinted on my nervous system because that little sucker was developing with me. Turns out, it is a fear of abandonmentanxiety, a phobia of sorts.

Here are six traits of emotionally abandoned adults:

1. Inability to trust.

Anyone or anything for any reason. And even if you do always hold back a little piece of yourself, just in case, they leave too. This also extends to trusting systems of any kind. Always assuming whatever or whoever it is will fail or leave.

My husband and I have been together for a decade. We grew up together and married young. A hometown, high school sweetheart turned Army love story I guess you could say. That man has never ever, not one time, given me any reason not to trust him. And still, I struggle to. No, I don’t mean “I think he’s going to go out and have an affair” trust either. Simple, mundane things. Like telling me he filled my car up with gas. I have no reason to question this, but I’ll still check when I get in the driver’s seat, just in case.

2. People pleasing.

Emotionally abandoned children become “adult pleasers,” and when those children grow up to be adults, we can struggle with saying no to others. When we believe someone left because we did something wrong, our autonomic nervous system can get stuck in a fawn response. In other words, we let people walk all over us because we believe, subconsciously, that making this person happy will mean they will love us. That they will stay. Sometimes we allow it to happen so much and for so long, that a big blowup happens, and a friendship ends in a torrent of angry text messages because we could no longer deal with it.

For the most part, I do my own thing, consequences be damned. I used to describe it as a cool “rebel streak” I had. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. Truth is, I am in the strangest of ways. This summer, a neighborhood kid asked me if he could mow my lawn. I did not need or want him to, but I said yes anyway. I did not even take a second to process this. Saying no did not feel like an option in the moment.

3. Staying in unhealthy relationships.

Because we believe that we are inherently flawed in some way, we can continue in situationships that are not good for us. This often looks like being the person who does all the emotional work and makes all the effort. Our subconscious need to not fail again keeps us trapped in an unhealthy cycle. Many of us laugh this off because we are “fixers,” and fixers stay.

 

Stomach in knots, heart rate elevated, we squeak out a dissenting sentence only to end it with “But, it’s whatever you want to do.” Sound familiar?

4. Seeking approval.

Emotional abandonment leaves a void, and because of it we seek out ways in which to fill it. We can struggle to feel “good enough” and therefore look for people and sometimes substances to feel whole.

I never believed this about myself. I also never told anyone else about the hours of being stuck in my own head, torturing myself with what ifs, what abouts, what could, and what should I be doing. Forever lamenting that nearly everything was my fault. That I was just “failing at life” in every conceivable way. That is not true, nor has it ever been true. I can look back now and clearly see patterns of behavior in which I was looking for any kind of validation. This has manifested in every job I have ever held, too.

5. Perfectionism.

This played out for me professionally because I subconsciously believed I had to do everything perfect to be accepted and loved. That is what happens when you have been emotionally abandoned. Love, acceptance, and friendship all become conditional.

Perfectionism and my tendency to give up everything to achieve it has ruined aspects of my life before. I don’t even tend to do this. That may sound ludicrous but hear me out. As a military spouse who moves every two years or so, I have had a variety of jobs. For each one, I overdress for the interview. Then I am that coworker who shows up early and stays late. The one volunteering for extra stuff. It has made me the resident ass kisser before. Eventually, I am so burnt out that I can barely stomach the job. My goal is never to be the favorite, nor am I money driven. Instead, at the root, it is always my incessant need to be perfect so no one else will leave.

6. Composing an exit strategy.

Those exchanges you practice in your head on the drive home from work? That rehearsal of a conversation with your spouse? A practice text you type up on the notepad of your phone. Those are all exit strategies.

When we cannot trust, struggle to say no, stay in places we should not, continually look for approval, and do it so perfectly that we destroy ourselves, you would think it would be enough. Alas, it is not. The fear of being abandoned is so deeply ingrained that even in the most secure environments, we anticipate the proverbial “shoe drop.”

We can struggle to feel content and secure because the anxiety of a spouse or a friend leaving you, or a job falling through, is crippling. So, we compose an exist strategy as a defense mechanism. It cannot hurt, and it cannot be a surprise if we just assume, accept, and anticipate it.

This is my reddest of red flags.

I always have an exit strategy for everything and every situation. For many early years of my marriage, I refused to close my separate bank account. Many will argue that this is a smart financial move, but it felt strange to me. Eventually, I did close that account. We have a joint account now, but I maintain a separate one, still. Though we each have access to all our accounts, and it would make no difference, I still cannot bring myself to close it because deep down, what if he leaves, too?

Upon first learning and dissecting these behaviors in myself, I spent too much time in deep shame. It has given me the ability to operate with so much healing self-compassion and self-love I am overwhelmed by it.

Understanding all of this has also allowed me to view others (like my walk-away parent) with distant compassion, too. Perhaps, he struggled with emotional abandonment. I don’t know and I never will. But I know that his choices were not a reflection of me or anything I ever did wrong. People who love me will choose to stay, or leave, based on their capacity, not mine.

These traits have defined every corner of my life. Most recently, I was accused of doing something I did not do. I knew I did not do it when I was confronted about it. Instead of defending myself, I folded. The person who pointed the finger (I’ll call her Sally) is an acquaintance of a good friend. I messaged my good friend the next day, but she took a long time to respond. After a while, I was so convinced that Sally had told my friend that I had done this “wrong” thing and now my friend was going to end our relationship. I planned a whole speech that went like “I am deeply hurt that you believe Sally. I thought you knew me better than that.”

I always wait for the other shoe to drop even when I have no reason to. I always second guess myself and assume that, eventually, my relationships will fall apart. As silly as it may sound, I am also proud of myself for this scenario because I can identify what I am doing and why I’m doing it. I may not have handled it perfectly in the moment, but I am learning.

And that is freedom. Emotional abandonment identification has given me freedom, and I want you to know that if you read any of yourself here that you can have this freedom, too.

~

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Leah O'Daniel  |  Contribution: 1,665

AUTHOR: LEAH O’DANIEL

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