18 - The magic, spiritual number.
ONE - The ONENESS that is ALL. All there ever was; All there ever is; All there will ever BE!
(8) INFINITY - The ETERNAL PRESENT Moment. Eternity; Forever!
That which was never born; never dies!
My boss's boss came in to say that the points I made at the meeting were very good but they lost impact because I got too emotional when making them. I waited for the old feeling of a dagger going into my heart - the feeling that I wasn't good enough for this job or for any job or anything. It didn't come. Before CoDA: Every criticism is totally true because I am defective and it is the final verdict on me as a human being. At the same time I cannot accept any criticism because it is a rejection of all of me so every criticism is a malicious lie and I refuse to believe it. After CoDA: Maybe I did get over excited at the meeting but some people like passion. I can work on being cooler. I made some very good points. I tried to fix the light in the bathroom. I ended up twisting some wires and breaking them. I will have to call an electrician. Before CoDA: I am such as loser. Why does everything I do go wrong? I am embarrassed to call an electrician. I should have done it right. After CoDA: Maybe I could have asked for help sooner. It's okay to try and okay to make a mistake. It's not a big deal because I can pay for the electrician and I won't make that mistake again. I promised some work for a colleague. I gave it to her later than I promised but she had it before it was needed. I sent it with an apology. She didn't thank me as she usually does. Before CoDA: I have to tell her a big story (maybe with lies) about why it was late. I have to do something dramatically great for her to make up for it. I have to make her like me again. After CoDA: It would have better to get it to her when I promised but at least I got it done before it was needed. I apologised already so there isn't anything else that I need to do. It is okay if some people don't like me or don't think I'm great at my job. I will watch what I promise from now on. I don't have to be perfect all the time. Thank you CoDA.
ET: The essential factor in therapy is the state of consciousness of the therapist, regardless of the modality that the therapist is using. One would think that a psychotherapy such as Jungian has much more of a spiritual dimension to it than Freudian, for example. To some extent that’s true, but the actual method or modality used is really secondary. The primary factor is the state of consciousness of the therapist. Even in certain modalities that one would not describe as spiritual at all, there are some therapists who after years of applying their modality will suddenly develop—often without even knowing it—the ability to simply be there and listen. So, to some extent, they let go of trying to apply the particular grid or map that they have learned and applied to that particular person’s situation and they suddenly just go into spacious listening. And then whatever they contribute becomes more spontaneous. They no longer just apply what they have learned to the patient/therapist situation. They go beyond what they have learned and in many cases almost forget completely what they have learned. It’s only then that they become truly effective therapists. If they simply apply the acquired knowledge—even if the acquired knowledge seems to have a spiritual dimension to it—that’s all very good but more importantly is the therapist able to let go of their knowledge? It’s good that they had the knowledge first. They still might use fragments of their knowledge in the therapy situation, but the primary tool becomes awareness. This can happen even to a psychoanalyst who usually would be very much mind- identified, even denying anything spiritual. There are some who after years of working with people suddenly just become present. They don’t even know that this is what’s happening. And then they work more and more intuitively—and that’s when therapy becomes really effective. If that is not the case, if that dimension is missing, then of course there is the danger that you just keep telling your victim story (or whatever it is) and you never transcend that. It is helpful, of course, to know one’s own unconscious patterns—to make the unconscious patterns conscious—what we could call “self-knowledge.” Level one of self-knowledge is to become aware of your own patterns, and it’s always surprising how difficult it seems to be for people to recognize their own areas of unconsciousness. It seems to be so hard. So, self-knowledge is the hardest knowledge and this is only level one of self-knowledge: to recognize your own patterns. Level two of self-knowledge is to know who you are beyond the patterns. The patterns are important to recognize because they can block your progression. You cannot reach level two as long as you’re completely trapped in level one. If that’s the case there will be huge areas of your life that prevent you from realizing who you are. So, it’s good to approach level one. Some people do it through therapy. Others just go through a more spontaneous recognition, or they listen to their friends or people they work with. If one person says something about you, it could of course simply be their projection. Two people? It could be their projection. However, if ten people say the same thing about you, then you might want to listen! To sum up, you could have no knowledge whatsoever of therapy and start working with people and just be present. It would be quite enough, and then the correct answers would come through you and you would be a wonderful reflection for that person. So, the absolute prerequisite to being an effective therapist is presence—to be able to be the awareness; to offer the patient or client the space of awareness. You will intuitively say what is needed if you are present. So, look for a therapist who is present—or preferably, become so present that you don’t need any more therapists.
Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. -Albert Einstein
Why do I seek to be popular? I want to be loved. I want you to like me, and this desire to be liked often makes me hypocritical. In the last few years, as I've danced more and more in Spirit, I find that I'm moving closer to honesty. I still want you to like me, but I need to tell the truth. My truth is who I am.When I betray my truth and seek to appease the majority, I'm uncomfortable. Spirit is making me more real. Spirit is feeding integrity into my life. Spirit makes my life enjoyable.
I want to be popular, but not at the expense of truth.
Each one of us is very much needed and we all have our role to play adding to the success of the whole.
In the great symphony of life, we all have important parts to play. While some people are best suited to be conductors or soloists, their contributions would be diminished considerably without the individual musicians that lend their artistry to the fullness of an orchestra. The magical accents of the percussion section might sound random and out of place without the music they accompany. But any one member of an orchestra, doing less than their best at their particular part, can destroy the harmony of the whole piece, such is their importance. So although we may not receive the same amount or quality of attention as another, all of our contributions are valuable and integral to the success of the whole.
When we do our tasks well, we infuse them with our unique energy, making each act a gift. Each of our personalities and talents are suited to different roles of support. Even leaders and star performers support others in their own way. We can look around us at any moment to see that while we nurture some people with our work, others are supporting us with their gifts. Doing any job from this place within us allows us to do our part with humility and gratitude, while also learning lessons that move us steadily toward our goals.
When we can be fully present in every job that we do, we bring the fullness of our bodies, minds and spirits to the moment. Our contribution is enhanced by the infusion of our talents and abilities, and when we give them willingly, they attract the right people and circumstances into our experience. Anything we do begrudgingly limits the flow of our energy and closes us off from the good that is available to us in every situation. But by giving the best in us to make the world around us better, we open ourselves to receive the best from the universe in return.
My story of strength is nothing short of ordinary, but it is precisely its ordinariness that wills me to give it a voice.
Many of us know this tale intimately—the tale of the broken (and rebuilt) heart.
Like most, it begins with two people falling in love.
An enduring friendship that became more than we could’ve imagined at only 19.
In the best moments, there was unmatched honesty, peace, laughter and love.
It was the kind of loving freedom that allowed us to grow into separate people over long distances, yet still feel deeply held by each other; but, as we transitioned into a new decade, maybe those distances became more than just physical.
Tiny fractures grew with the seeming misalignment of our projected future selves. We were caught in the proverbial “shoulds” of our late 20s, rather than just living, as we were, for as long as time allowed us.
The strains on our lives spread into those emerging fracture lines like molten mud, making the lines deeper, wider, tectonic.
Then, in the culminating chapter of our relationship, we decided to leave it all behind to travel the world, but when all was stripped bare, the cracks of our relationship were exposed and we were wide apart.
Just like that, my best friend, lover, and confidant, the person who accompanied me through most of my 20s, had gone.
In this unexpected heartbreaking finale, I knew I had two choices. To retreat home to the safety of the familiar, or to keep wandering these foreign lands alone.
In what was one of the hardest decisions of my life, I kept walking. I have never looked back.
Trepidation stayed with me like an unwanted travel companion; but every day, I walked, I breathed, I was.
This feeling of alive was incredibly comforting amongst all the internal chaos.
In time, the pain slowly shed like the peeling of a second skin, and I found contentment with the remaining layers of self like I never had before.
It was the single greatest gift he could have ever given me—myself.
For the first time in 10 years, every choice was my own. It was liberating.
Sure, there were times when I felt sheer fear, panic, and grief, but I never doubted my decision to keep going.
Whenever I thought I couldn’t travel alone, I remembered I already was.
Whenever I thought something bad might happen, I remembered it already had.
Whenever I looked to a future so different than the one I envisaged a year ago, I remembered that life would unfold regardless of whether I held onto lost dreams.
As I kept walking, I saw the most incredible things, and met the most remarkable people who journeyed with me through one of the hardest and most amazing experiences of my life.
My family and friends became my overseas champions, sending me regular reminders, “you are strong,” “keep going,” “we love you.” I am so grateful for them. Despite the distance, we had never felt more connected.
So, why after all the struggles and acts of courage this past year, am I so hesitant to call myself “strong?”
Why do I still feel like it is not deserved, like my story cannot equal the kind of trials people endure daily? Perhaps the fear comes from knowing that I don’t always feel strong, that it changes from moment to moment.
Despite my ambivalence, I am compelled to speak about it. I fear that not acknowledging these everyday, ordinary acts of strength that exist within all of us, may risk a crucial part of who we are becoming un-storied from the dominant narrative of our lives.
In a world filled with perpetual discourse, the language of blame, shame, and pain permeate so much of our encounters with others, and ourselves. The fact is that the words that we and others use have the power to shape our identity.
Well, I think it’s time we redefine the word strength, and reclaim it as part of our personal lexicon.
Here are some things I learnt this year about strength:
Strength is not just for the people we read about: the famously courageous.
Strength is not just the physical prowess to climb mountains or run the furthest.
Strength is not the ability to shout the loudest while silencing the voice of others.
Strength is not subjugation through the perversion of power, hate, fear and prejudice.
Strength is the ability to anchor in the eye of a storm, and to make room for all of our experiences, no matter how painful.
Strength is the ability to keep going, despite the weight of the past or the uncertainty of the future.
Strength is the ability to acknowledge that at times, I do not feel strong; in fact, I feel lonely, scared, and angry. But that’s okay. I will be okay. There may be a time when I need help to feel okay, and that’s fine too.
Strength is the ability to be vulnerable, and admit that I won’t always get it right, and see it not as a weakness, but as a defying act of courage.
Strength is saying from a position of value, “I am enough” and “for now this all it can be.”
Strength is sitting alongside someone in an empathetic exchange, listening and being curious. Not playing the shame-game where everyone loses.
Strength is the quiet and unyielding friend who often gets forgotten about, but is always there when we need it, if we just trust and hold on.
Strength comes from the courage we find to trust in our hearts.
Strength can help us to walk among those who seek to harm us, and to find love and gratitude for what we have.
Strength is the ability to be still and sit with our ever-changing emotions.
Strength will help me to keep breathing even if I feel like I want to stop.
Strength will allow me to be all in with the most important and challenging relationship of all, myself.
I know my story of strength may not be particularly remarkable, but it belongs to me, and it’s power comes from that very act of ownership, because owning this piece of my story will help me when I inevitably feel stuck, lost, uncertain, time and time again.
That is the true power of talking about strength.
So please, let’s start talking about our stories of struggle and strength, with those honored enough to listen and willing to share their own.
For some reason, I felt a strong urge to visit Kopan Monastery in Kathmandu. There I attended dailydharma talks and spent a few days watching the students learning Buddhism courses. At that time I was leading a 9 to 5 office job, and I didn’t have the time to enroll in any of the full courses. However, I did promise myself that one day I would.
One year later, I quit my job and traveled to India. At the end of my trip, other travelers informed me about the Tushita Meditation Centre, where I could learn more about Buddhism. Without having any idea about the connection between Kopan Monastery and Tushita Meditation Centre, I booked my ticket this year back to India and registered for the Introduction to Buddhism course at Tushita.
On the way to India, at the airport, I came across an article by a monk named Lama Yeshe on elephant journal. He tackled the ego and the dangers of attachment. I was startled by his words. I didn’t know anything about him—whether he was alive or deceased, or whether he had published any books. Nevertheless, I remembered the name “Lama Yeshe” and I was keen on finding out more about him.
On day one of the Introduction to Buddhism course, they had us gather in the big gompa where the nun gave us guidelines for the 10 upcoming days. I took a seat right next to a wall, and they locked the room.
Before delving in the precepts we had to respect, the nun told us about the history of Tushita—as she did, I sat speechless, covered with goosebumps for the next hour.
It turned out that Tushita Meditation Centre was founded by Lama Yeshe in 1972, in response to the growing requests of Western students whom Lama Yeshe taught in Nepal, in Kopan Monastery, which he founded as well. And out of respect to his abiding presence in the center, they kept his room intact, locked, and built the gompa around it.
The wall I was leaning on was the wall of his room.
I was startled when I retraced how the events in my life led me to Kopan Monastery and Tushita, both of which were founded by him. The surprise of finding his article online and leaning on the wall of his room left me even more surprised.
After this beautiful incident, I ascertained that some teachings find their way to us. In 2014 and 2016, I suffered the consequences of attachment, but thanks to the teachings of Lama Yeshe I could let go of most of them, and here I am today.
Lama Yeshe passed away at the age of 59 in 1984; however, he is still known in Nepal and India for his wise teachings about the dangers of attachment.
While reading his words, I find myself pausing many times to ascertain just how right he is.
He basically explains that attachment is the biggest problem on earth, and once we learn how to let go if it, we will experience true abundance, freedom and joy.
Thanks to Lama Yeshe’s teachings, I have reflected on my own past and am now convinced that I am the cause of my misery, which is the result of my own attachments.
Below are 14 of his sayings that have personally helped me during the Introduction to Buddhism course:
“Your ego makes a wrong projection on an object and your attachment follows without hesitation and gets completely stuck on, or tied to that object. This splits and severely agitates your mind.”
“All worry and weeping, missing and memory, comes from the two mental departments of ego and attachment. Not understanding the impermanent nature of phenomena and expecting to live happily ever after, as ego and attachment wish, brings the reaction of misery.”
“Attachment has nothing to do with the material value of an object. It’s not like the more expensive something is the greater your attachment to it. It doesn’t depend on its outer valuation. Ego and attachment are what give things their value. It depends on the mind.”
“What you need to decide once and for all is: ‘I’m tired of being a servant to my ego.'”
“You don’t have to change anything external; the only change you need to make is within your mind. As soon as you change your projection, the outside world changes too.”
“It would be wonderful if you could recognize that you own attachment is the cause of every single problem that you experience. Problems with your husband, wife, children, society, authorities, everybody; having a bad reputation; your friends not liking you; people talking badly about you; hating your teacher. All this comes from your own attachment. You check up.”
“When you get hurt because somebody calls you greedy, you blame that person for how you feel. Actually, feeling hurt comes from your own attachment. Instead of of accepting their pointing out your selfish behavior, your attachment to always being right, to being perfect, causes you angrily to reject what they say.”
“The moment your ego says ‘I,’ you automatically identify yourself as totally separate from other atoms, other people. On the basis of this view of two different things—self and others—you automatically see ‘I’ as the most important one. Then, with attachment, your narrow mind chooses one particular atom as a source of sense of pleasure. That’s the way it all starts.”
“Things you see can have a strong effect on you. Therefore it’s very important that you remain aware of how the people and things around you affect your mind. Check up. Are they stimulating attachment or hatred? If you are psychologically alert you can easily tell, but usually you ignore your internal world.”
“If you conquer your worst enemy—the internal enemy of attachment—you will control all external energy, all other people, but if you try to exercise such control using just the power of your ego, it will be impossible. You think you can control others, but you can’t.”
“You must recognize that your real enemy, the thief who steals your happiness, is the inner thief, the one inside your mind—the one you have cherished since beginning-less time. Therefore, make the strong determination to throw him out and never let him back in.”
“When you choose to help others out of attachment it often results in their generating attachment to you. It’s as if you’d sent a thief to steal their peace of mind. This kind of thief is much worse than the kind who simply steals your furniture. Peace of mind is much harder to replace than a few chairs. You can’t buy peace of mind in a store no matter how rich you are. Therefore, check up whether your assistance really helps or not. Does it solve problems or create more? “
“As long as you direct your energy into the channel of peace and wisdom it will spontaneously flow that way. You don’t need to think too much. Just act in the right way and do your best to gain realizations; that’s enough.”
“We always evaluate actions by their appearance: ‘He did this; that’s bad. She did that; that’s good.’ We think that actions are fixed as good or bad. There’s no such thing as an action that’s always good or bad; actions can’t be categorized in that way. It all depends on the mind.”
This is an article I have wanted to do for some time.
It’s one many males have asked for – and I also think it will be an interesting subject for women as well.
Over the years there have on occasion been men who have accused me of focusing on recovery for women only.
The truth is guys – I have NOT been leaving you out, because everything I produce in this Community is for ANYONE who has been abused.
And … even though I have thought about doing this article for a while, there is a reason why it hasn’t been a major priority.
(Which has NOTHING to do with being sexist and leaving men out!)
Please know in no way will that detract from what I will share with you here – because it is my greatest intention to provide as much richness and depth that I can in regard to female narcissists.
My real reason for why this article was NOT a high priority is this:
When we accept evolutionary healing and evolving ourselves beyond our wounds, it really is about seeing our abusers as symptoms, and then doing the much needed work in our own being regarding our original childhood and generational traumas which unknowingly have created us as susceptible to narcissists.
Because when we change the one person we can heal and change – ourselves – we achieve Thriver Recovery.
And … I have found over the last almost ten years in this Community, that this is definitely not gender specific regarding what gender the abused is OR the abuser.
Whenever I produce an article, video, radio show or Healing Program, I am writing for heterosexual men and women, and members of the gay community as well … because I recognise that men and women can be narcissists, and victims are men and women, of all ages, within all cultures and all sexual orientations.
The manifestation of narcissism is narcissism.
I haven’t created ANY productions specifically about male narcissists either!
The narcissism manifestation regardless of gender is this: a conscienceless person trying to get narcissistic supply, hooking you in order to do so, and extracting energy and resources from you in the process.
As well as turning the tables of their atrocious behaviour on you, with methods that attack the gaps of your as yet unresolved traumas and insecurities.
(Also known as our weak spots.)
This happens to both men and women, and the results are the same – a more fractured sense of self, addiction to the narcissist and a severe confusion, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD.
The reason being – because the healing is all about tracking though your body to the original wounds, releasing the energy of them and reprogramming them with your Super Conscious self, which has the power to heal what we can’t heal cognitively.
Then we shift out of the trauma and into a new Life.
I promise you that this Community is NOT exclusively female, for the men who think it might be.
The truth is women more openly share and post – because that is just what we do!
Interestingly enough, 20% of all NARP members in this Community are men, and they comprise of both gay and straight guys.
This Is Not About Demonising Women or Anyone
I am actually loath on some occasions to talk about narcissists in depth, or have this Community put too much focus on them … because I know that every minute we are focused on “them” we are denying ourselves our own love and healing …
Which is what TRUE recovery needs.
The more we demonise “them” with our focus the more we damage ourselves – truly.
It’s like taking poison everyday and expecting “them” to drop dead, or meet their maker.
Wrong Town!
Also … some of these key points regarding “narcissism” does not necessarily make a person a narcissist.
There are attractive women who take care of their appearance who are not narcissists.
Just as there are highly successful men with acquisitions and who have status, power and nice things who are not narcissists.
Additionally, anyone can have an unconscious moment and act inappropriately when triggered into a wound, but that does not mean necessarily that they are a narcissist.
These “witch hunts” never happen with people who do the work in their own being to become authentic and powerfully wholesome in their own skin, and start to show up without young derailing childhood wounds.
True Recovery is never about demonising.
It is more about taking the personal hate and resentment out of it and realising that these people act the way they do because they are severely damaged – generally caused by abusive or intensely neglectful childhoods.
Therefore, I am not going to lower myself to the name-calling of female narcissists, or the degrading of them in this article, and I hope you don’t either.
Especially if you leave a comment!
And ultimately our recovery is NOT even about working out who IS or ISN’T a narcissist, just as it is not about turning our hate, resentment and anger towards them …
Rather it IS about freeing and healing ourselves to the level where we CAN show up and generate healthy life relationships and events as a result of speaking up, trusting ourselves, clarifying, and be whole, solid and healed enough in our Inner Identities to walk away from things and people who aren’t healthy.
Sooo …. this article is a recognition of who Narcissistic Females are and what they do, as well as (I hope) bringing to all of us the understandings of how we may have been unconsciously stuck in this.
Where This Article May Help You in Regard to Abusive Females
This article is about the similarities and the differences between male and female narcissists but please DO NOT believe for one moment, if you are a heterosexual guy or a gay female, that knowing all the warning signs about a narcissistic female is going to protect you – because it doesn’t.
In fact, if your focus is exclusively on learning about narcissists (who they are and what they do) and is not about coming inside your own being to self-partner and love yourself enough to heal your own generational and childhood wounds, which unconsciously left you open and susceptible to narcissists, then you may be in for a very hard time.
Firstly, you will not be healing from the trauma, you can only try to manage it, and secondly your intense focus makes you more likely to fall for a cunning narcissist again.
Why?
Because your soul has one agenda and one agenda only – toevolve you – beyond the level you were previously living at that was not allowing you to be free to be your Truest Self.
Which means bringing forth the EXACT personalities who will push on these unconscious wounds to make them conscious, so that you can finally heal them.
If you are currently with a female narcissist, this article will help you recognise the truth of who you are with. The first step to recovery is realising cognitively who you are dealing with and that you do need to leave.
Then the real work within ourselves can be committed to … which is the healing of thereasons why we are stuck in this agony.
How Male and Female Narcissism Manifests As The Same
In this section, I want to make it really clear that the bigger, deeper most impactful stuff about narcissism – is consistent with BOTH male and female narcissists.
The following, I believe, is the number one criteria regarding IF someone is suffering from incurable Narcissistic Personality Disorder or not.
And this is the ONE thing that differentiates them from people who are NOT Narcissistically Personality Disordered … regardless of them acting out their unresolved trauma (all wounded people when triggered can act “selfishly”) and despite them being needy for outside energy from other people.
(Both things that narcissists do as the VERY trademarks of narcissism.)
However, there is ONE thing that separates a person who is JUST emotionally wounded and as yet has not healed these emotional traumas … and an individual suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This … “I WILL take the responsibility to meet and heal my wounds, and work on myself in order to change my life.
A person suffering with NPD will never genuinely do this.
Their ego takeover ferociously guarding the evidence of the shameful shrivelled up True Self, who the narcissist has attempted to kill off and bury (hide) … will NOT allow them to expose their damaged parts to ANYONE genuinely, and certainly not themselves … because that threatens the entire precarious False Self structure that they have erected in the True Self’s place.
That’s how you really know (apart from the extreme crazy cruel inhumane behaviour that most people are not capable of thinking, let alone doing).
The TRUE and ONLY determinant is: IS this person willing to meet, love and heal and resolve their Inner Being – including EVERYTHING they would rather not face about themselves – namely their original wounds which are causing the mayhem, destruction and pain in their life and for others?
That is the deal for BOTH male and female narcissists.
Additionally, both female and male narcissists:
Size up their targets and know how to appeal to exactly what THAT person wants to hear and receive.
Fact find a person’s weak spots.
Reduce and control a person with their weak spots after initially feigning to support them.
Discredit people, things and dreams important to you, after initially feigning to be supportive of these passions in your Life.
Need constant “ego-feeding” with stuff, attention, significance and their version of respect and acclaim.
Punish mercilessly when the False Self is not feed adequately.
Do the push / pull game, “I reel you in and then I cast you out.”
Are capable of taking out masterful smear campaigns against you.
Are controlling, possessive and insecure.
Can leave you stripped emotionally, mentally and financially.
Commonly position the children against you and attempt child alienation.
Project blame and argue with you in ways where you feel like your head is spinning.
Refuse to be durably accountable.
Harbour and keep bringing things up to punish you with – despite saying they were resolved about it in the past.
Play tit for tat – delivering punishments that do not fit the “crime” (except in their own heads).
Act out rage and react nastily on a hair-line trigger.
Make you feel like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and that this person can never be truly happy with you.
Toss you into the gutter without a second glance when they cannot get what they want anymore and / or you have been replaced with a better source of narcissistic supply.
Because this is what False Selves do. This is how insecure egos with no functional True Self at the helm behave.
Narcissists are insatiable emotional voids that can never create their own stable, solid or peaceful feelings.
And this is completely consistent with the behaviour of male and female narcissists, and the results are the same to you – regardless of whether or not you are a male or a female, heterosexual or gay – or what gender the narcissist is who did it to you.
Okay … so let’s get into the meat of this article.
And please know I will be referring to the partners of narcissist woman in the male gender sense, simply because it is easiest to do so.
Gay women, please know this article also is for you – just as it is any woman who may have a narcissistic woman in her life in any capacity – not just a love relationship sense.
The Differences Between Male and Female Narcissists
At this point you may be wondering why I am even writing this article … if the narcissism manifestation is the same?
And TRULY the results are just the same.
People get just as devastated, traumatised and ripped to pieces by narcissistic men and women.
Narcissistic abuse is narcissistic abuse.
Despite this, within this Community very occasionally men have jumped up and down with “But it’s the narcissistic WOMEN who get the children and trash their partners financially – because they are WOMEN”.”
Noooo …. Not true!
I PROMISE you, I am a woman who was financially throttled by narcissistic men and I also have dear female friends who are going through the MOST horrible matters you could conceive of regarding their children in co-parenting at the hands of narcissistic men.
In fact it’s common!
So PLEASE guys DO NOT believe for one moment that the damage in regard to self, finances and children JUST comes from narcissistic women.
I think it’s so important that we have Unity here – because I promise you the Narcissistic Abused Community is all in this together – regardless of gender.
So what can we talk about here in regard to Narcissistic Women?
This … the different ways females “do narcissism” which actually has nothing to do with narcissism itself – it simply is to do with being female.
Please be aware though –there is STILL an overlap, most of what I describe is what male narcissists do also.
Let’s start with the BIGGEST and (really the only major) difference.
Narcissistic Female Appearance
The most obvious difference is women can use feminine wiles.
Female narcissists know that the average male is very visual, and as such perfecting her looks is often high on her agenda.
(However, the same can be said for male somatic narcissists, gay or straight – who use their physical beauty to snare potential mates.)
Because a female narcissist does not have an inner sense of Self (just like her male counterpart) she constantly needs to be get feedback from outside of herself about her worth.
Often “worth” for a woman is about her physical appearance.
Look at our advertising, magazines, movie stars and celebrities.
Is it any wonder that female narcissists, who suffer terrible self-esteem and insecurities from a very young age, can make it so much about their looks?
These women may be prone to cosmetic surgery, dieting, excessive exercise, and even eating disorders in order to maintain their looks and bodies in order to seduce people.
Also, having the right label clothes and accessories can be very important to her – regardless of the credit card bill.
Of course all of this is hiding a crippled Inner Self who feels intensely ugly, unlovable and unworthy on the inside – despite people thinking that she is intensely confident. And because she is provocative and highly flirtatious – that appears to be true.
These are all gross over-compensations for how she really feels about herself.
These women have the tendency to use their looks to gain regular narcissistic supply to try to offset the torment of having no Inner Identity, as a prop to feed the False Self.
It is usual, in amongst regular times of feeling empty and hollow on the inside, that they will do new selfies to post on social media in order to gain fresh attention and outer validation.
Again … making them feel “worthy” for a short time … until the next dose is needed.
Another trademark is that she can’t be seen without makeup.
Narcissistic women use their looks and sexuality to get what they want. This differs to most narcissistic men, who traditionally use power, acquisitions, status and intellect … (because of course these attributes are attractive to women).
Narcissistic women, simply because they are women with the deep inner DNA fears of survival and security (all women have these generationally) focus on a man’s wealth.
Someone who is generous enough to want to provide for her and make her happy – who she will be able to play the entitled “what is yours is mine” game, whilst securing a highly materialistic lifestyle that will help bolster her False Self’s worth.
Narcissistic women want successful, hardworking, good provider guys as their partners.
Or, if this is not the case, it will be something else that she wants in order to feel better about herself.
It may be lifestyle, connections, a roof over her head …
And if these men have had a history of struggling to lay boundaries – not wanting to disappoint other people, a propensity to “keep the peace” rather than speak up or assert their own needs …
… then she has hit the jackpot.
Narcissistic Women and Sex
Narcissistic women know that most men’s weaknesses are sex and female beauty, and she will come on strong like the adoring princess he wants in everyday life and a vixen in the bedroom.
She will set out to convince him the emotional connection and sex they share is unique and phenomenal.
(Narcissistic men can do this too, appeal hugely to a woman’s sexual appetite, with his charm and charisma and sexual finesse.)
Little does the partner of a female narcissist know, that that once hooked, sex usually becomes less and less frequent and commonly almost non-existent.
Sex for her is a tool to get what she wants as a form of control, and to use to punish by withholding.
(The slight variable here with narcissistic men is although they do the same … they can also use sex to abuse, degrade and humiliate partners … as some narcissistic women can too.)
At the start, when she has idolised her newest Source of Narcissistic Supply as “amazing”, it is easy to shower him with attention and sex whilst caught up in her “love rush”.
“You are the best narcissistic supply ever.”
Yet, when that wears off, she will have already started devaluing and discarding him emotionally which diminishes the sexual connection.
And, it is not beyond her to create new sexual hook-ups with fresher sources of narcissistic supply whilst having her secure, stable and successful nice guy at home.
Narcissistic women are less likely to have other sexual partners than narcissistic men, however they are still very capable of adultery.
Non-intimate sex is the perfect source of narcissistic supply for her, because she can be admired and told how beautiful she is with men going “ga-ga” over her.
The truth is any settle down relationship will usually lead her to withdraw sexually – because true intimacy and being “naked” with someone without a mask is not what she can endure.
Being Everything He Wants and Needs
Narcissistic women have charm, but they also know how to get guys hooked by inciting “the protector” within men.
She has the perfect blend of look after me and love me and you need me and want megoing on.
She is an expert of working out what womanly role to play practically as well as sexually and emotionally for him.
Does he want a woman with the smarts to help him with his business?
Does he need a woman to help look after his children when he is busy working?
Does he love certain styles of cooking?
The narcissistic female (the men do this too – find out what you want to improve your life and start providing it) will morph into whatever persona to become everything you need or want her to be and do.
Most narcissistic women will embrace and improve your life, by fitting into any role you need with devotion, support and adoration.
And, it’s likely as a hostess, she excels.
She looks good, smells good and is superbly confident and charming. She is thoughtful, considerate, a good conversationalist and attentive to people. Your family, friends and work colleagues love her.
So … is it any wonder you think that your dreams to make your life incredible on ALL levels has been answered?
How could this woman be so perfect?
Little do many men know, that when a narcissistic woman is setting up her security, lifestyle and materialistic entitlements via a partner, she will go to some pretty incredible lengths to secure it.
The Cracks Appearing
As time goes on, the little wonderful and supportive niceties may take a turn for the more serious.
Falling pregnant is a distinct possibility.
And … it is likely that she will back away from working and start contributing financially less and less (pregnant or not).
Now, rather than supporting you and your life, she is doing what she wants that has nothing to do with you, and spending more and more of your money.
She will have all sorts of excuses about how she is not fulfilled in her work life, how it has been all about how she supported you in your Life and now it’s your turn to support her.
(Some narcissistic women, may be “married” to their profession because it grants them copious amounts of narcissistic supply …. and in this case the above may differ … even though she will still feel entitled to your money.)
Many men, with narcissistic women try to make them happy, paying money for this study or that course, or to help her start her own business … hoping his beloved will find something that sets her heart on fire.
But what he hasn’t realised is she is a “professional parasite”, a bottomless pit, who can never be made happy no matter what he gives her.
This list of behaviours is likely … and really in all truth there are warning signs at times, even in the beginning … (red flags).
She will often tell him what it is that he is or isn’t giving her that is wrong.
She will find fault with him in many ways.
She will chastise him for doing things wrong and then for not doing things at all.
She will charm, flatter and offer herself up sexually to get what she wants, and punish him mercilessly when her unrealistic narcissistic entitled expectations are not met.
She will throw in his face what other men do for their women and try to get him to compete with that.
She will start fights with him on a hair line trigger, performing out of bounds behaviour that can escalate to name-calling, throwing things, hitting, screeching off in the car or other assorted dramatic events – with little or no care for worrying about children being exposed to this.
Before important meetings or events in his life she may keep him up all night arguing.
She will emasculate him by regularly disregarding and ridiculing his ideas, suggestions, opinions and needs.
She may attack his sexuality verbally.
She will put him down in front of the children to bring them over to “her side” and have them as her allies.
She is uber sensitive to any little act that he does that is “disrespectful” to her.
It is likely she will be accusatory, distrustful, insecure and even accuse him point blank of terrible things.
She will demonise people and things that take his attention away from her.
She may flirt outrageously with other men or say or do things to make him feel insecure and jealous.
She will have regular dislikes of people, judge them, distrust them, have fallouts, and tell him how other people are jealous of her and are out to undermine her.
Totally contrary to how she behaved at the beginning when she was fully supportive of her partner’s dreams and aspirations, she now minimises and demeans them.
Any decisions he makes to do with their life, money, home or the children without her permission are met with hostility and anger, yet she does not have any concept of playing “team” herself.
Please note all of this list is EXACTLY what narcissistic men do too.
When He Tries to Pull Away From Her
If her partner has had enough and tries to pull away from her she is capable pf playing the “emotional female” card … blaming her emotions and behaviour on hormones or PMS.
She is capable of lying and manipulating like all narcissists are, because like all narcissists the end justifies the means.
She is so disordered and unhinged internally that she actually believes her own propaganda.
She refuses to take responsibility for her abusive behaviour, be accountable or acknowledge his feelings except when he is going to leave her, and then the accountability, even if forthcoming, never holds.
She is entitled, she is the victim, she is the one who has been wronged – no matter how outrageous that is.
She, like all narcissists, has a terrible broken, selfish, pathological childish persona controlling her emotions and is capable of all sorts to get even, make his life difficult and try to make him bend to her will.
Which is her skewered version of the world – making him pay for what he has “done” and granting as much compensation as possible to her.
Narcissistic women are capable of using sex, guilt, helplessness, false alarms requiring his help, faking pregnancies and / or miscarriages to get his attention … and if he doesn’t come running to her, she may turn to good old “Abuse by Proxy” (male narcissists do this too) – file false claims with police and slam him with all sorts of allegations which she has masterfully crafted to authorities and his boss.
She will use any evidence she has against him to turn his life into a living hell.
She will also punish him as much as possible with using the children as pawns … just like narcissistic men often do.
If she ended the relationship, before he left her, she will endeavour to replace him and move on without a backward glance.
And she will try to ensure the best child support deal she can muster.
She believes she is entitled to what is his indefinitely.
Narcissistic Women and Children
Narcissistic women may appear to care for and love her children more than most narcissistic men – but the truth is a narcissist does not love themselves, and is therefore not capable of loving anyone healthily – not even their own children.
Narcissistic women tend to be more attached to their children, because women are usually the caregivers of children.
Like all narcissists, her children are likely to be an extension of self, and a narcissistic woman’s influence on her children is impactful.
Children to a narcissistic woman may be engulfed as a source of narcissistic supply, or if she feels they don’t measure up in her eyes, or are not compliant enough to hand over narcissistic supply (the attention, recognition, significance and unwavering adoration that she demands) then she will project her unappeased ego self onto them in the form of criticism and punishment.
Often the narcissistic woman uses the outlet of her children as the dumpmaster for her internal shattered self, because they are defenseless targets.
Or her pathological selfishness may cause her to create caretakers and even “slaves” for her life, as she attempts to create enmeshments and dependencies that are complex and forged on guilt and obligation.
The withholding and then dispensing “love” is a way to cement these ties.
Most definitely, healing from a narcissistic parent and specifically a narcissistic mother, is essential in order to form and sustain healthy adult relationships in the future.
Sadly, until people do – if they are not someone suffering from NPD, and instead have taken on the co-dependent role in relationships (If I please you, you might love me) – it is very, very likely that the unhealed traumas from childhood will re-present in future relationship over and over.
Until healed.
Sadly, those who developed NPD as a result of narcissistic parenting will not choose inner healing.
It’s important for us – men and women alike (because we ARE all in this together) – to understand that all love partners can have issues.
Just as we have …
And … it is in fact very true that the greatest growth opportunities we will ever have is “relationship” is where people bring up in us the stuff we need to heal, and vice versa.
However … when we are doing relationship with a narcissistic personality who has a terrible lack of self-awareness, and who operates in nasty, spoil, entitled, conscienceless ways …
And … when this person is addicted to being angry, upset and causing regular drama …
And does not learn, heal or grow from the consequences of their behaviour …
And we find ourselves being diminished piece by piece …
Something is terribly wrong.
This is not the love experience our Soul really desires at ALL.
What this tells us, is we need to heal.
We need to find out what has really been going on inside us unconsciously keeping us attached to this, and heal it.
So that we CAN get on a COMPLETELY different Life Trajectory.
The following in regard to abusers is an EPIC understanding which changes your Life forever.
We can’t change them, fix it or force them to behave differently in order for our life to start going right.
But we can do the ONE thing that narcissists will never do.
It is the ONE thing that distinguishes us, being wounded ourselves, from a narcissist.
It is also the ONE thing that removes us from their Energy Field and sets our life on a trajectory where narcissists don’t exist.
It is the ONE thing that also finally frees us from all pain, symptoms and trauma of abuse.
This …
Taking personal responsibility as adults to be the generative source of our own experience.
Meaning this … we can self-partner, come inside and meet ourselves and unravel, solve and heal the original or ancestral wounding within us which has made us susceptible and hooked to these people.
We can stop the patterns that have been handed down generation to generation.
Then … when we do that … we can break away and rebuild our lives from the losses.
In fact, we are freed to experience life at a level we were never able to do before we were abused.
I promise you – this is the truth.
Myself and thousands of other people in this Community are living that reality.
That is the healing for real work that I love helping people connect to … men and women who have suffered ANY type of narcissistic abuse.
And thankfully after years or even decades of terrible trauma, many people are finding this shift within months or even weeks of getting started.
So the guys out there … please know this Community welcomes you with open arms – we have wonderful male NARP Members as well as male moderators in the NARP Forum.
Finally, I hope that everyone relates to this article in some way – heterosexual men and women and the male and female gay community.
