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Thursday 31 August 2023
On this day of your life
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I believe God wants you to know ... ... that not
everything has to turn out exactly the way you planned in order for you to
call it a success. Sometimes all God
wants you to do is to "get the ball rolling."
Then, She'll take it from there. So when things turn out other than
the way you wanted them to, don't be so quick to say,
"Bummer!" Many a Bummer is a
Blessing in disguise. Consider the possibility that
life is magic...and that there's a rabbit in that hat. |
Your Body Is a Temple (OM)
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Like yin and
yang, spirituality and physicality are two sides of creating genuine
well-being. The popular phrase “your body is a temple”
shares a concept found in all the spiritual traditions throughout the world.
As a metaphor, it signifies the body’s role as a vessel that houses our soul.
Our physical body is the vehicle that carries our life force, and through it,
we experience the world around us and interact with others. Imagining our body as a temple can inspire
us to be more mindful and loving in the ways that we treat ourselves. When we
acknowledge that our spiritual self deserves a well-cared-for physical home,
it motivates us to tend to our body’s needs, to give it respect, and to allow
the body to express its true authenticity. There are many ways we can treat our bodies
with love: choosing nourishing, wholesome foods — we eat with consciousness
and care; prioritizing our sleep and times of rest — we can recharge and feel
ready to meet life’s challenges; moving and exercising our muscles, limbs,
and cardiovascular system — we build strength and confidence; being attentive
to our body’s aging and evolution — we give it the healing and care to
support our soul’s radiance. Spirituality and physicality are both
needed. Like yin and yang, they are two sides of living a fulfilling life. To
neglect one in favor of the other leaves us feeling off-balance. By caring
for our physical health, we cultivate more inner peace and happiness. It is
through this harmonious flow that we create genuine well-being. |
Moving from Insecurity to Security: Navigating Attachment Styles.
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“We’re afraid of being vulnerable. But vulnerability creates genuine connection.” ~ Gabby Bernstein
~
When we come into the world wailing and screaming our way through, there’s only one thing that we are looking for: connection.
Someone to hold us, to make us feel safe and protected.
Someone who can put our fears to rest and make us feel that everything is okay and that they’ll be there for us no matter what.
We want to be held, cuddled, and cajoled into believing that we matter to someone.
Most importantly, when we’re our vulnerable selves, we need to be comforted the most.
We need to know that we’re not alone and that no matter what, we’ll be taken care of.
It’s not about the mere physical presence of someone, rather the emotional energy that they give out that enables us to feel safe, secure, and valued in every aspect of our lives.
It is this connection that enables us to go out there and explore the world. It tells us that no matter where we go, there will always be someone looking out for us.
We will always have a secure base to stand on and safe haven to come back to. That’s what leads to the formation of a secure attachment style—when you have this innate knowing that you matter, and you trust your loved ones to be there for you whenever you need them.
You go about exploring the world as if it belongs to you. You know you will always be seen, heard, and held in ways you need.
But what happens when this doesn’t happen? When you’re left to yourself without anyone to come back to?
When the very base you’re supposed to stand on is cracked, broken, or simply nonexistent?
Then you spend all your time and energy in trying to create that base for yourself and looking for safety in whatever you can find.
You keep crying out for someone, asking, “Are you there?”
But it feels like you’re screaming into a void and your own voice comes back to you.
Then, you don’t know what to do.
“Most people are as needy as their unmet needs.” ~ Amir Levine
It’s when this insecurity takes over, the need for connection gets overpowered by the need for safety.
You still want to reach out and connect, but you also want to keep your fragile heart protected because when it breaks, it hurts like hell.
That’s what gives rise to certain insecure ways of connecting with the world.
“Realising what your attachment style is offers you a lot of freedom. It helps you to remember that at the core you are whole.” ~ Amanda Blair Hopkins
The two most prominent insecure attachment styles that come up as a result are:
1. Anxious attachment style:
Stems from the fear of being abandoned. This often leads an individual to be preoccupied with the needs of other people in order to get attention, approval, and validation from them. The mere thought of being alone scares the living daylights out of them. They want to be close to the ones they love to the extent that they give up their own needs and desires and make their life about others.
They tend to doubt themselves a lot and struggle with feelings of low-self worth. They’re highly sensitive to criticsm, rejection, and other people’s emotions. The only way they feel safe is by being around people.
They’re constantly focussed on whether the other person is there for them, valuing them enough, and their absence, even for a few minutes, is enough to throw them off-balance. Being alone and by themselves is such a scary experience for them and brings up intense feelings of being abandoned and unworthy, that there is nothing else that they can do.
2. Avoidant attachment style:
On the other side of the spectrum lies the avoidantly attached individual, who dismisses the idea of being close to anyone for the fear of getting hurt, rejected, or abandoned. Unlike the anxiously attached who seeks closeness, proximity, and validation, avoidant individuals keep their guards up all the time. They fear closeness and intimacy. They prefer being on their own and struggle to form deep connections. While the anxiously attached individual relies on others to soothe them and validate their sense of self-worth, avoidants rely on their own selves.
Even though both these styles are completely opposite, the similarities between them are the sense of insecurity and fears of rejection and abandonment.
They just deal with them differently.
It’s not easy to grow up in an environment that is not able to support your growth and give you all that you need to bloom into a secure, stable version of yourself.
Yet, these ways of coping and relating to the world are not set in stone either.
You can change.
But for that, you need to acknowledge all the ways in which your needs haven’t been met and the impact it’s had on you.
“We are born with inalienable emotional needs for love, safety, acceptance, freedom, attention, validation of our feelings, and physical holding. Healthy identity is based on the fulfillment of these needs.” ~ David Richo
And then it’s about unlearning certain ways of being and connecting.
For the anxiously attached, it’s about:
1. Identifying and recognising your own patterns and triggers.
2. Learning to self-regulate and soothe yourself when you’re gripped by your anxiety and fears.
3. Strengthening your sense of self so that you can rely on yourself.
4. Understanding that your needs are your responsibility and others are only a means to those needs.
5. Balancing your needs with others.
6. Learning to ask for what you want rather than complaining, criticising, and blaming others.
7. Knowing that one person cannot meet all of your needs and that doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy.
For the avoidantly attached, it’s about:
1. Going within to understand your own internal experience (i.e your own triggers).
2. Embracing the discomfort that comes with getting in touch with your own feelings.
3. Learning to express yourself.
4. Stepping out of your comfort zone to connect with more people.
5. Learning to have open conversations with people, especially loved ones, rather than avoiding, dismissing, or stonewalling.
At the end of the day, it’s important for us to understand that the world of human relations is built on connections.
Whether we reach out aggressively or shut ourselves away, the innate need for connection doesn’t go away.
But the only effective way to connect with others is to first connect with your own self and then with someone else. Irrespective of what our attachment style is, we all need to be secure in our own presence and be okay with the vulnerability that comes with it.
It’s only then that we’ll be able to sift out the relationships that are truly capable of giving us what we need.
Making room for vulnerability without letting it engulf you is the only way to be secure in you who you are.
It’s that security which leads to the formation of a genuine, open, secure connection with another.
“To heal is to touch with love that which was previously touched by fear.” ~ Stephen Levine
~
NUGGETS OF WISDOM - 969
· Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. - Christopher Reeve
· “One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” - Kahlil Gibran
· “For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.” - Kahlil Gibran
· “Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.” - Kahlil Gibran· “Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” - Kahlil Gibran
13 Things I Know for Sure.
It’s always good to dust off our beliefs and closely held opinions, shine the light on them, and see what is still juicy and relevant versus what no longer holds true.
Our credos may change radically from year to year throughout our lives.
I recently read The Bassoon King, a heartfelt and funny memoir by Rainn Wilson (the actor who played Dwight on “The Office”), at the end of which he writes a chapter on “10 things I know for sure,” which, of course, was inspired by Queen Oprah herself.
That inspired me to write this list. I hope it resonates with you and perhaps even inspires you to pen your own version.
This I Believe.
1. Life is beautiful, and the mind is a gift.
Of course, there are times I wake up with unfounded sorrow. Can I see the beauty in sadness? Can I feel grateful for my breath, my body, my mind, and my precious human life?
2. Serving others benefits everyone.
And remember, there ultimately are no others when we remember Oneness.
Paradoxically, we are each separate individual beings. So be sure to ask yourself before speaking or acting: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Cut away whatever is unkind, harmful, or unnecessary.
3. All things must pass.
No matter how fantastic or horrible, boring or neutral, shocking or blissful, this too shall pass. Aim to enjoy your inner weather, whether it’s a soothing rainstorm, a relentlessly sunny day, or a hurricane.
“Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
4. Simple life = joyful life.
Simplify, simplify. Let go of the need to always acquire more. Enjoy the baseline beauty around you in this moment.
“Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.” ~ Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
5. Life isn’t easy or fair.
Nevertheless. You’re living it. Why not put the effort in to gradually make your dream a reality? This happens step-by-step, not magically or all at once.
6. Be honest.
Cultivate clear, open communication, and bask in the clarity and ease that truth and honesty bring.
7. Have gratitude for both light and shadow.
Cultivate awareness by rejoicing in the contrast between light and dark. Meditate on the sky at dawn and dusk.
8. Look within and reach out.
The ultimate key to a meaningful life is our connection to ourselves—as well as to each other, animals, plants, and the whole of nature.
9. Life’s paths are full of lessons and wisdom when we take the time to learn and reflect.
Honor your teachers. Honor and balance your inner and outer feminine and masculine energies.
10. Let your life be guided by death, the greatest adventure into the unknown.
Engage in practices to contemplate death rather than fear it. Ask yourself regularly: How are you transforming? How are you making a difference? How are you benefiting others? What will your legacy be?
“I’m alive. Today might be my last day in this lifetime. It is uncertain when I’ll die. Because of this, I’m committed to living a full wholehearted life and letting the little things go. I’m going to be a helper and not a hurter today. I’m going to live my life to the fullest.” ~ Tibetan Buddhist death meditation
11. Wander in the wilderness.
It is a magnificent (and much-needed) way to spend time. I love going forest bathing alone or with a small group. I feel myself being healed by the green and grounding, soaring energy of the trees.
“The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results.” ~ James Dean
12. It’s essential to dedicate the merit.
May we seed our highest intention through our daily actions, moment to moment. May all of us beings know peace, joy, and liberation in our time on Earth.
13. Being fully present with gratitude, compassion, and kindness is a valuable practice.
Make an offering to Spirit. Show devotion to your ancestors. Honor all your relations.
“What is past belongs there; what is present is in your hands. But it is only through your decisions in the present time that your future is defined: every action, every decision, every plan or project you undertake will have some impact on your life or perhaps those of others in the near- or long-term future. This is why the present is all-important; indeed, it is the only fleeting bit of time of which we have any active experience.” ~ Birgitte Rasine, The Serpent and the Jaguar
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