How many times have you gone out when you wanted to stay home?
How many times have you added another meeting to an overscheduled day?
How many times did you take on that extra project when you didn’t have time?
What about the instances where you said “yes” when you really wanted (maybe even needed) to say “no”?
Most of us have been conditioned to believe that disappointing others is a terrible thing. We tiptoe around difficult conversations, stretch ourselves too thin, and say yes to things that don’t work for us just to avoid that dreaded look of dismay in someone’s eyes. I understand completely, I used to find myself here often. That was until I understood that disappointing people is actually necessary for our wellbeing. Sometimes, in order to not disappoint ourselves we will need to disappoint others.
I’m being totally serious. Someone else’s disappointment, as uncomfortable as it may be, is not a sign that we’re failing or hurting people and does not seal the deal on us being an awful person. Quite the opposite. It’s a sign that we’re setting healthy boundaries, standing in our truth, and respecting our own needs. If this feels like a wild assertion, stay with me. There is so much we’ve been conditioned to believe about letting people down so allow me to set the record straight.
Here are four myths about disappointing people—and the truths that will set you free.
Myth #1: If You Disappoint Someone, It Means You’re Letting Them Down
Many of us equate disappointment with failure. We assume that if someone is upset with us, we must have done something wrong. But that’s not necessarily true.
Truth: Disappointment often comes from unmet expectations—not from actual harm.
People expect us to behave a certain way, to always be available, to never change. When we don’t meet those expectations, they feel disappointed—but that doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong. It just means we’re not living our lives based on their script. (Which we aren’t supposed to do anyway.)
Myth #2: You Should Avoid Disappointing People Whenever Possible
There’s an unspoken rule that “nice” people don’t rock the boat. We’re taught that making others uncomfortable is selfish, that a little self-sacrifice is the price we pay for being loved.
Truth: If you never disappoint anyone, you’re probably doing something wrong. Every time you prioritize someone else’s comfort over your own needs, you chip away at your well-being. You cannot build an authentic, fulfilling life if your primary goal is to keep everyone else happy. The reality is that disappointing others is sometimes necessary to stay true to yourself.
Myth #3: People Will Be Mad at You Forever if You Let Them Down
A big fear around setting boundaries is that people will hold grudges, resent us, or even cut us off entirely.
Truth: Most people get over it—and if they don’t, that’s their issue to work through and really good information for you. Sure, some people might sulk. Some might make passive-aggressive comments. Some might even try to guilt-trip you. But most people, if they truly care about you, will eventually accept your boundaries. And if they don’t? That says more about them than it does about you.
Myth #4: Never Disappointing Anyone Means You’re a Good Person
Many of us carry the belief that being a “good” friend, partner, or family member means never upsetting others.
Truth: You can be kind, loving, and compassionate—and still disappoint people.
Being a good person doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs to make others happy. True kindness includes being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means respecting yourself enough to say no when you need to.
Disappointing people is not a reflection of your worth. It is not a sign that you are selfish or uncaring. When we commit to our authentic selves and our most fulfilled lives, it can be disruptive to the people around us especially if they are used to a version of us that focuses on be pleasing.
Kabbalah teaches that only the things we invest time and energy into will bring the blessings fully back to us. When we are giving out of a need for validation and approval or as a means to avoid conflict, we are giving from a place of ego, not authentic generosity. Anything we receive without effort, we risk experiencing what kabbalists call “the bread of shame” which means to receive without truly earning.
So the next time you feel guilty for setting a boundary, saying no, or prioritizing your needs, remember this: the people who truly love and respect you will survive their disappointment. And so will you.
No comments:
Post a Comment