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When I hear people talking about self-sabotage, I often get the impression that they think self-sabotage is something they are powerless over.
“Oh, it’s self-sabotage,” or “I self-sabotaged last night.”
They act as if it’s some mysterious power that overtakes them and they have zero power to change it.
Our society tends to have labels for things. Sometimes these are helpful and sometimes not. Similar to getting a diagnosis of ADHD, let’s say, it can be empowering to finally have a name for our symptoms. When we have a label, we can look up what to do, how to manage it, and tips and tricks to overcome it. The term “self-sabotage” comes from this desire to label something and figure out how to address it. But, it can also inflate the problem to a bigger issue than it actually is.
Self-sabotage is really just an emotion regulation problem. Let’s think about the things we do to self-sabotage. Procrastination, drinking too much, overspending, not pursuing a big dream, binge eating. All of these forms of self-sabotage can be boiled down to having a problem with understanding and regulating emotions.
We don’t pursue the promotion because we feel inadequate (a feeling). We end up overeating after a stressful day at work because we feel overwhelmed and spent (feelings) and don’t know any other way to take care of ourselves. We drink too much to deal with our controlling family over the holidays because we feel angry (a feeling) and can’t express how we really feel. We overspend because we are trying to keep up with friends due to a feeling of inadequacy or stress (feelings).
When we can accurately identify that feelings are underneath our self-sabotage, then we have the power to make changes that will lead us to our goals and freedom from the behavior. When we want to binge eat, for instance, we sit down and write about our feelings. What is driving the behavior? Typically it’s not just one thing. It’s usually two or three things at once: our boss was demanding and grouchy at work and we felt inadequate and nervous; we don’t know what to do with our career so we feel uncertain and frustrated; and we miss our dog that passed away this year and feel sad.
Once we identify the feelings, then the real work begins. Then we have to learn how to cope with tough feelings that we sometimes can’t change, like grief from the dog dying. Or, we have to make changes in our lives that are often uncomfortable or scary, such as making a decision about our career and taking new action on it.
I’ll give an example from my own life. In my 20s, I worked as a realtor from home in my studio apartment. I hated the work and would find myself overeating at my desk every afternoon. I would spend hours back and forth between the fridge and my desk, full of angst about why I couldn’t stop eating. Was I addicted to sugar? Did I need serious help? Was there something fundamentally flawed about me?
Then, my therapist suggested I sit down and be with my feelings every afternoon when the cravings started. I forced myself to meditate and ask my innermost self what it needed. It was slow going at first. But, as I settled into slowing down, being with myself, and understanding my feelings, answers started to bubble up.
I began to realize that the overeating came from the anxious feelings about my career. I felt trapped. I had just finished a degree in a completely different field. I felt like a loser, hated my job, and making a change would mean a big upheaval to my family and seriously disappointing my husband. There was no easy fix.
The fact that I couldn’t easily solve the problem meant that I had to deal with the feelings over the long term. But, getting clear about the facts of the situation, instead of denying my reality to myself, left me feeling empowered. At least then I could begin making small steps toward changing my career–even though it entailed a lot of personal challenges along the way.
And, guess what? I was able to stop the overeating. It became much easier once I was clear about my feelings and what I needed to do about them.
The beauty is that when we face the feelings head-on, we feel better. We stop the self-sabotaging behavior, which is incredibly esteeming. Once we tackle one small part of the actual problem, we feel empowered to keep going. It feels so much better–and in alignment with our life’s purpose–to stop self-sabotaging, deal with the feelings at face value, and make positive changes in our lives.
So, if self-sabotage is getting in the way of what you want in 2025, I encourage you to sit with your feelings and look to them for answers.
Remember, self-sabotage is just an emotion regulation problem. You’re not broken. Learn what your emotions are trying to tell you, and then give yourself what you truly need instead of succumbing to the self-sabotaging behavior.
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