CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Becoming Friends with Uncertainty, Trusting Change

I came into CoDA recently after experiencing a really hard time working through the grief of a breakup that had me, and still has me, crying every single day for many months. The experience felt like an emotional hellscape. As I sat with CoDA literature, the Twelve Steps, and attended meetings, I struggled with the “God language” throughout. I grew up with a definition of God within my family’s religious beliefs that didn’t serve me, and I had long let that definition go. Still, I wanted to give the Twelve Steps a real chance to work on me. 

I then remembered an author’s definition of God that shifted my practice: God is Change. There is no definition of a Higher Power that could feel more accurate and real for me at this time. Change is the only constant. It had certainly done its work on me in the past when I struggled to remove myself from situations that didn’t serve me or didn’t align with my growth journey. 

This understanding of a Higher Power also aligns with some of the spiritual practices I’ve been studying around becoming friends with uncertainty and not “grasping” to any one emotional experience, whether it's painful or pleasing. It pushes me to let go of control in a way that feels both empowering and vulnerable. I’ve heard the term “vulnerageous” being used to describe this feeling.

Still, my practice continued to challenge me. As I let this understanding of a Higher Power work me, I found myself resisting and struggling to let go of the pain I was experiencing.  I realized that my grief was the last tether to the person I wanted to share my life with. I had never grieved a breakup, or anything else, this hard - it was tearing me to shreds. 
Still, I stayed curious through the pain and trusted that my Higher Power, Change, was doing some work on me. And then it landed - my grasping at the grief was keeping me from seeing the work that Change was doing. I felt less alone when I realized that asking - “what might Change, my Higher Power, be making possible that I cannot yet see?” - was enough to feel like I was standing on some ground instead of flailing in turbulent waters through the grief. 

I remembered that I had worked hard to feel again, after working through emotional numbness for almost 6 years throughout my sobriety journey with alcohol. I had finally been feeling, and feeling deeply, throughout my relationship with my ex and through the grief of that relationship being severed. Through the gift of feeling, Change is taking me through something that I know will result in a more deeply connected and wiser version of myself. The grief hasn’t vanished, but I’m moving through it with more trust, choice, clarity, self-compassion, and self-accountability. I can’t wait to meet this Changed self on the other side of this leg of my healing journey.

Rosa GC
04.09.2025