CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Shelter from the Storm

God, give me shelter from the storm of fear, confusion, and doubt. I too often panic over some real or perceived threat to my 23-year-old daughter.

A violent storm might be a useful metaphor to describe the experience. As the storm approaches, I am learning about my daughter's plan, whether it's taking the New York subway or driving to a downtown dance club late at night.  I feel a slow shift from friendly inquiry to more aggressive interrogation.  From pleasant calm weather in my mind, to a whirlwind of fear. I’m angry and afraid as the situation triggers my hypervigilant codependent pattern.

God, give me shelter from the storm.

I'm completely in the storm, stuck outside in the pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone. And the wind is blowing so hard that the trees are swaying dangerously and branches are flying across my path. Despair is beckoning, but I am powerless to stop this storm. I have no umbrella and in this tempest of emotion it would be of no use anyway. I head for a tiny overhang, inviting me to safety.

God, give me shelter from the storm.

My Higher Power, CoDA connections, and the 12 Steps start to kick in. I can think! I calmly ask my precious daughter where she is going. I tell her that I want her to live free, but I'd appreciate it if she kept us informed.  Just in case.

She resists and is irritated that I would ask.  “I'm not a little girl anymore,” she complains. Her attitude triggers my codependency again. It's like I'm venturing back out into the storm. But before I arrive at the shelter of my house, I feel a desire to lash out in fear.

I just can’t take it.  The idea of losing her or of unspeakable horrors. Or her being rejected and it sending her into a tailspin of melancholy, depression, self-harm, and even schizophrenia (it runs in the family).  I want to fiiiiixxxxxx it!!!! 

But I see my open garage door, a shelter from the storm. It is only steps away where I know warm towels and a hot shower await me.  The storm has passed.  My sanity has been restored.

Jim H. 
04.01.2025